Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy

Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy S*x and relationship therapist
Explore desire, reduce performance anxiety, and reconnect
💻 Online sessions in 40+ states

It’s valid to need to take a break when feeling overwhelmed, frozen, or shut down. What tends to exacerbate conflict or ...
12/31/2025

It’s valid to need to take a break when feeling overwhelmed, frozen, or shut down. What tends to exacerbate conflict or break trust in relationships is when this happens consistently without communication (stonewalling) and without coming back to return to the conversation (avoidance).

According to The Gottman Institute, it takes about 20-30 minutes to move through a stress response. Giving yourself this time to do something that’s calming or soothing can be helpful. If days go by without coming back to re-engage, that’s usually an avoidance (self-protection) strategy. If that’s the case, it may help to work with a therapist to help widen your window of tolerance (Dan Siegel’s concept) and to strengthen self-regulation and relational skills.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

12/31/2025

Now this is a sport I can get behind! This silly reel became my first viral post over on Instagram. 😂

🎥:

Disclaimer: Content is for educational or entertainment purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

These are some of the top books on my 2026 TBR list. The first two are available for pre-order and the next two are more...
12/30/2025

These are some of the top books on my 2026 TBR list. The first two are available for pre-order and the next two are more recently published.

What’s on your reading list for the new year?

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

The Aftermath of a Fight is an exercise created by The Gottman Institute. It’s important to use this after the fact, whe...
12/30/2025

The Aftermath of a Fight is an exercise created by The Gottman Institute. It’s important to use this after the fact, when emotional flooding/dysregulation has diminished and each person can come to the discussion from a place of wanting to better understand what happened.

1. Talk about how you each felt. Take turns just describing your feelings.

2. Share your perspectives and validate each other. Everyone has their own perspective and subjective experience. Describe that to one another. After one person shares, their partner(s) can provide empathy and/or validation.
(Reminder that validation doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree, but that you can understand or appreciate where the other person is coming from).

3. Talk about your triggers. Oftentimes, what’s happening in the present moment can trigger or feel like situations that have happened in the past. It’s common for us to have sensitivities or raw spots.

4. Take responsibility for your role. Could you have been more gentle with what you said? Were you already feeling flooded when you tried to engage earlier? Were you being overly critical? Name that and offer an apology.

5. Discuss how to prevent this from happening again. This is where you each offer ideas for how to avoid a similar conflict in the future. Reminder that many relational conflicts are perpetual issues (not solvable). If it’s a perpetual issue, the plans are not necessarily about how to resolve it, but how to better manage it in the future.

To learn more about this tool with an example, check out this blog post ➡️ https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-we-used-the-aftermath-of-a-fight-to-repair-our-relationship/

Source: The Gottman Institute

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

Conflict | Arguing | Fighting | Couples | Partners | Marriage | Communication

12/30/2025

I think culturally we are doing a really good job of normalizing the use of therapy and medication, but I wonder if we underemphasize that therapy takes time and effort to work. Quick-fix "breakthroughs" get glamorized in pop culture's version of therapy, but in real life, change comes slowly.

If your is getting care for yourself through , give it time.

A study of 10,000 people showed that it took about 20 sessions (that's about six months of weekly sessions) for 50% of people to experience notable symptom improvement. With a full year of treatment, that number jumped to 75%. Research like this is tricky, and numbers change depending on how researchers measure "improvement" and other studies suggest different timelines, but this large study really highlights that a key part of effective therapy is giving it time to work.

Source: Shedler & Gnaulati (2020, Networker) full link in profile.

12/29/2025

Of course I forgot to include my favorite book that I read this year in the last post. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Repairing Attachment Injuries in Close Relationships by Dr. Clare Rosoman is now one of my go-to resources for partners. It’s my top recommendation for healing from betrayal, including affairs, emotional infidelity, financial infidelity, and incidents where someone is in a time of need and their partner isn’t there for them.

Highly recommended. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

These are some of the highlights. What books did you enjoy this year?Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and...
12/28/2025

These are some of the highlights. What books did you enjoy this year?

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

It may help to also be in individual therapy and/or relationship therapy. I recommend working with a therapist who is fa...
12/26/2025

It may help to also be in individual therapy and/or relationship therapy. I recommend working with a therapist who is familiar with attachment theory.

Books to read:
1. Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
2. Atlas of the Heart by Dr. BrenĂŠ Brown
3. Validation by Dr. Caroline Fleck
4. The Power of Attachment by Dr. Diane Poole Heller
5. Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

I recommend the book, Coping with Er*ctile Dysfunction by Metz and McCarthy. It’s an older read and definitely hetero an...
12/25/2025

I recommend the book, Coping with Er*ctile Dysfunction by Metz and McCarthy. It’s an older read and definitely hetero and cisnormative, but still helpful. You might also benefit from the book I co-authored with , Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

There are many great books to help with anxious attachment. These are the ones I’d start with.1. Hold Me Tight by Dr. Su...
12/24/2025

There are many great books to help with anxious attachment. These are the ones I’d start with.

1. Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
2. Anxiously Attached by Jessica Baum
3. The Anxious Hearts Guide by Rikki Cloos
4. Relationship OCD by Sheva Rajaee

Any other books you’d add to this list?

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

I’m still looking for a good book that’s specifically about avoidant attachment. I know of one that’s currently being wr...
12/24/2025

I’m still looking for a good book that’s specifically about avoidant attachment. I know of one that’s currently being written and I’ll share once it publishes.

1. Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
2. Atlas of the Heart by Dr. BrenĂŠ Brown
3. Validation by Dr. Caroline Fleck
4. The Power of Attachment by Dr. Diane Poole Heller

Any other books you’d add to this list?

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

12/23/2025

I use the word “never” here to emphasize the importance of working on these behaviors. Sometimes, we slip and do one of these things (hey, we’re human!). When that happens, it’s important to repair as effectively and quickly as possible. Repair is more important than how you argue, but how you argue still matters.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

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