Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy

03/09/2026

According to research from The Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship challenges are perpetual/unresolvable. The majority of conflict is related to stable factors, the things that make you and your partner(s) different.

It’s normal to find that you and your partner(s) are different in many of these areas. You’re different people. The goal is to manage these differences with respect and kindness, versus contempt and criticism. And sometimes, an area of difference turns out to be a dealbreaker. Everyone gets to decide for themselves what they can live with and what they can’t.

Source: The Gottman Institute.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

03/09/2026

The Five Stages of Relationships was developed by Dr. Susan Campbell. She wrote about it in her book, The Couples Journey.

1. The Romance Stage is marked by infatuation and can last up to 2 years. This is the stage of relationships that we often see portrayed in Hollywood. The l***y, can’t-live-without-you, head-over-heels kind of love. Our partner may appear to be perfect and conflict may be rare.

2. The Power Struggle Stage is when the illusion of perfection ends. We start to realize our partner’s flaws. We focus on our partner’s differences and try to make them more like the image we had of them during the romance phase. This phase can last months or even years. At this stage, partners either break up or learn how to manage conflict.

3. The Stability Stage is when we give up trying to resolve our perpetual relationship conflicts or changing our partner. Instead, we develop respect for their differences and accept them as they are.

4. The Commitment Stage is when we consciously choose to be in the relationship, despite any shortcomings or challenges. We find a balance between maintaining a connection with our partner and working toward our own personal goals.

5. The Co-Creation Stage involves partners giving back to the world. This can include raising a child(ren) together, volunteer work, or other community involvement.

To learn more about this, I found a great website that explains these stages in more detail. Check out www.loveatfirstfight.com/relationship-advice/relationship-stages

Please note, these stages may not be linear and you may experience a mix of stages at one time.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

03/09/2026

Based on Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s research (), generally happy partnerships have an average of 20:1 positive to negative interactions on a daily basis. It takes FAR more positive to outweigh the negative. This is due to our negativity bias, which exists to help us survive. During times of conflict, that ratio is about 5:1.

If you think of your relationship as an emotional bank account, we want to aim for 20 deposits for every 1 withdrawal.

Deposits are not grand gestures. Fancy getaways or big purchases won’t make up for a lot of negativity. It takes small things on a regular basis to get to this ratio.

Examples of ways to make deposits on a day-to-day basis:

• Turn toward your partner and really listen when they’re speaking
• Offer words of appreciation
• Gestures of physical affection
• Regular acts of service, doing things to take the stress off their plate
• Spend quality time together (ditch the screens)
• Send a text to let them know you’re thinking of them
• Offer to pick something up for them when you’re at the grocery store

Examples of ways to make deposits during conflict:

• Give eye contact
• Nod and show that you’re listening
• Offer vocal bursts to show that you’re tracking the other person, e.g., “mmmmhmmm”, “ahhhh”, or “yeah”
• Offer physical touch if you and your partner are open to it
• Accept influence from your partner (within reason, e.g., “I can see your point,” or “I hadn’t thought about that.”)

Source: The Gottman Institute

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

03/08/2026

When partners are able to cultivate an environment like this most of the time, it allows them to feel truly safe to express themselves, grow together, and deepen their connection.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

03/08/2026

Recommended books:

* Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz
* Becoming Org*smic by LoPiccolo and Heiman (and old read, cis and heteronormative, but still has good exercises)

I wish I knew of a good book for delayed ej*culation. If you know of one, drop it in the comments.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

03/08/2026

Did you know that according to years of research by Dr. John Gottman (), 69% of conflict in relationships is perpetual? That’s because two different people bring different personalities, lifestyles, values, needs, etc. to a relationship.

While this statistic might seem disheartening, I find it comforting. What it means is that no matter who we pair up with, there will be a set of differences that we deal with over and over again throughout the relationship, and that’s normal.

The goal is not to be void of issues or conflict (because that’s unrealistic); the goal is to figure out what differences you can live with and how to best manage them.

Some common perpetual issues include money, s*x, in-laws, parenting, and personality differences. Solvable problems are those that don’t feel like a core need or issue. This could involve which house to buy, where to live, which school your kids go to, what color to paint the living room, etc.

One partnership’s perpetual issue could be another partnership’s solvable issue and vice versa.

To learn more about this, I recommend checking out The Gottman Institute’s blog or Googling Gottman + perpetual issues.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

03/07/2026

Open-ended questions are a great way to deepen connection and get to know different parts of your partner(s) or loved one(s).

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

03/07/2026

S*x is not supposed to hurt (unless you want it to).

If you have a vu!va and s*x has been painful, you are not alone.

More than 20 million people with vu!vas in America will experience painful s*x in their lifetime.

As many as 40% of people who have s*xual pain don’t seek medical care. (Source: When S*x Hurts by Goldstein, Pukall, Goldstein, and Krapf based on research with cisgender women)

Many medical providers, including gynecologists, are not specialized in assessing and treating pelvic or s*xual pain.

Here are some resources that may be helpful:

• Consider reading the book When S*x Hurts by Goldstein, Pukall, Goldstein, and Krapf (written for people with vu!vas).
• Visit www.isswsh.org to locate a s*xual medicine specialist near you.
• Schedule an appointment with a s*x therapist or a pelvic floor physical therapist.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions. Please excuse the spelling. It’s to get around a medium that isn’t friendly to this type of educational content.

03/07/2026

03/07/2026

This shifts the communication from blame or criticism to the expression of feelings and needs. It’s more vulnerable and steers clear of all-or-none messages.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

03/07/2026

I recommend the book, Coping with Er*ctile Dysfunction by Metz and McCarthy. It’s an older read and definitely hetero and cisnormative, but still helpful. You might also benefit from the book I co-authored with , Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.

03/06/2026

When things are escalating during conflict, the Gottmans () have identified six categories of things you can say to help de-escalate the situation:

• “I feel...” - A statement that describes your own feelings, e.g., “I’m getting worried.”

• Sorry - A statement that takes responsibility for your part, e.g., “My reaction was too extreme.”

• Get to Yes - A statement that shows openness to compromise, e.g., “I never thought of things that way.”

• I Need to Calm Down - A statement that expresses the need for a break or soothing, e.g., “Can we take a break?”

• Stop Action! - A statement that expresses a need to stop/pause the interaction or change course, e.g., “We’re getting off track.”

• “I appreciate...” - A statement of appreciation, e.g., “Thank you for being patient with me.”

To see a more complete list, check out the Gottman blog:
https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/

Disclaimer: Content is for educational purposes and doesn’t constitute therapy. Posts are generalized and may not fit all individuals or situations. My posts don’t speak to situations of abuse, active addiction, or certain mental health conditions.