06/21/2023
Trust is GIVEN not earned. Let’s have a conversation about it.
Trust is not the opposite of doubt.
Trust is the opposite of control.
Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship, and, in our culture, I think we have some dangerous ideas about what that means in practice.
If we believe that trust is the opposite of doubt, we are meant to believe our partner is being truthful. If you question where your partner was after work, they might retort, “You don’t trust me? Why are we even together if you don’t trust me?” I think this is dangerous for a multitude of reasons.
1. We are conditioned to stop believing our own intuition, which is sometimes right.
2. People lie sometimes. It doesn’t always mean they are bad people or untrustworthy.
3. Abusers use this idea to deflect from their own dishonesty or infidelity and make it about their partner’s “trust issues.”
4. People are dissuaded from sharing their doubts and insecurities with their partners because they might be shamed for not “trusting.” This results in missing a great opportunity for the partner to reassure and create intimacy.
I propose that we reconceptualize trust as being the opposite of control. Trusting someone is about making a choice to give someone access to vulnerable parts of yourself and not try to modify/control their behavior to soothe your own anxieties. It is like handing someone your heart and asking them to keep it safe. The truth is, they might not keep it 100% safe all of the time. Relationships change and things happen. Trusting someone is about accepting that there is a risk of getting hurt, but you believe the reward of being in the relationship is greater. You don’t follow your partner around and micromanage the way that they handle your heart. You accept that being with them means allowing them to make decisions that could affect your heart. If they prove untrustworthy (they repeatedly allow harm to come to your heart), you make a decision about being in that relationship and whether the reward continues to be greater than the risk.
Tell me what you think!
