03/20/2026
Experiencing strong painful emotions can impact how we approach life, view our current circumstances & even ourselves.
One of the most common side effects of experiencing trauma is that prolonged negative feeling states can become fused with an individual’s sense of self. When this begins in childhood, it is hard to determine what is a trauma reaction from what defines who you are. It’s like putting on a pair of glasses that causes you to see through the lens of those emotions, missing other shades of emotions or truths outside of these feelings.
For example,
When you live with another person’s uncontrolled anger….you may start to feel like you are bad, guilty of wrongdoing, etc.
When you live with a healthy range of emotional expression, including anger, you may start to feel all emotions are welcome & guide us.
When you live with other people who ignore or pathologize your feelings, interests & needs….you may start to feel inherently defective, unworthy of love & attention, that your impulses are not to be trusted.
When you live in an environment where needs are attended to & who you are is celebrated, you may learn to attune to what you feel/need & communicate it with the expectation that you will be seen & heard.
When you live around violence, yelling or situations that violate your boundaries, you may start to feel that the world is not safe, you are not safe & that rest puts you at risk of danger if you don’t remain vigilant.
When you live in a safe, predictable situation, we learn that it’s ok to just be.
And so the good news is that we as humans are adaptive to the situation we are in AND can learn new ways to engage within ourselves, others & our environment. That choices available in the present moment allow for new opportunities!
For most people, healing includes both reprocessing of these experiences AND learning new skills to live as you are meant to, not just survive!
These deeply ingrained feelings states & beliefs can become wired into your nervous system. And through therapy that targets the brain & body (EMDR, somatic work, mindfulness, yoga) you can begin to recalibrate your system towards a truer version of yourself. It’s hard work AND work you are worthy & capable of doing!
As for today, start with what you can do right now. When a feeling arises, place a hand on your heart or slow down by bringing your awareness to your feel on the floor. Notice what emotion you are having, name it. Notice what belief about yourself goes with that. If it’s a feeling state that fits the facts or feels good, take time to just be in that experience.
If it is a painful feeling state AND you know it’s important to feel, can you feel it with compassion? Can you listen to what you need to get through the emotion?
If it’s a painful emotion AND it feels effective to change it, can you find a truth that exists outside of this experience? If you are sad, is there a person, things or place that brings comfort/happiness? If you feel shame & a sense of unworthiness, what also makes you feel proud, capable?
Can you take even a small step towards creating an opposite emotion? Creating situations that elicit emotions that fill us up with what we need can have the same effects as the painful ones. Gravitate & create the situations that help you thrive. Contact someone that is supportive, takes some time for yourself to rest or play, spend time where you feel safe & loved, engage in an activity that reminds you of your capability, accomplish a task, etc.
Healing is an evolution taken one step at a time, involving many conflicting emotions. You got this! 😊❤️
Sending peace,
Annmarie Hardgrove, LCSW-R
Certified EMDR Therapist
Somatic Developmental Trauma Therapist
Trauma Focused Yoga & Meditation Teacher
www.embodiedhealingli.com