Cazier Counseling

10/08/2024

Had a session recently where one partner was the Avoidant. This totally resonated with her. The couple had seen several previous counselors and felt understood for the first time. It brought hope and tears. Grateful for the work I do!
https://www.facebook.com/reel/503641128886037?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

10/04/2024

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1375767490252959?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

09/20/2024

Today’s Whiteboard

09/12/2024

What a great definition and acronym!

https://www.facebook.com/100069505335894/posts/854790866847750/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

09/10/2024

Today’s Whiteboard:

In this couple‘s session we explored the idea of learning to vulnerably reach to our partner to get our relationship needs met, as a way of creating a more secure attachment bond.
I coined the terms “positive ask” vs “negative ask” vs “doesn’t ask” as 3 different methodologies used to describe trying to get needs met from “secure” vs “anxious” vs “avoidant” attachment styles.

A POSITIVE ASK might sound like: “I really would appreciate it if you would ask me out on date night on a weekly basis. It helps me feel special, and reassures me that you want to be close and connected to me”

A NEGATIVE ASK might sound like: “You never ask me on date night, you are always too busy with work, and all you ever want to do is play video games. I’m never a priority to you!”

A DOESN’T ASK might sound like: “…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….”

Which of these forms of asking is more likely to get their needs met?

Please ask questions or comment below

11/01/2022

Big feelings are normal for all of us. Feelings are never the problem, but the behaviours those feelings come wrapped can be.

Those behaviours are also opportunities. We want little ones who grow into big ones who can feel big. Being able to handle big feelings in a way that doesn’t cause breakage is a skill that takes lots of time (decades sometimes!) and experience. The only way children can learn how to manage big feelings is to have big feelings.

Our job isn’t to stop those feelings, but to give a safe harbour for those feelings to flow into. Then, when they are calm and feeling connected to us, we can take those feelings and behaviours with gentle hands, and start to show that they can be separate. Big messy feelings don’t have to drive big messy behaviour: ‘My darling there are no wrong feelings. All of your feelings are important and I can handle all of them. What you do with those feelings isn’t always okay - like yelling, but I know you know that. What might you do differently next time you get angry? What can I do that would help your anger be here in a different way to yelling at me?’

In the meantime, it’s going to get messy. We want them to feel the full range of human feels, but driving a nervous system isn’t easy! They’ll learn how to do this best with us right beside them.

For sure our job as parents would be so much easier if they only showed us the convenient feelings -but we don’t want little ones growing into big ones who have learned to put themselves away for the convenience of others. We don’t want convenient humans. We want feeling ones -ones who love big, feel big, who know their own minds, and who do their important things because of it.

We don’t get to choose which feelings have the on/off switch. When we shut down their big messy feelings, we risk shutting down all their feelings, or at least in front of us. We can’t guide them if we can’t see them.

What we want to do is help them find a healthy way to express those feelings. This will take time - and a lot of mess, and that’s okay. We’re building humans, and like all beautiful things, the way through is never clear or pristine. But it was never meant to be.♥️

09/21/2022

💛 credit: Zanna Keithley

09/15/2022

I’m learning this about love as I am redefining what it means to be married.

STOP TRYING TO FIX ME

Love me instead

Please, don't try to fix me. I am not broken. I have not asked for your solutions.

When you try to fix me, you unintentionally activate deep feelings of unworthiness, shame and failure within me. I can't help it. I feel like I have to change to please you, transform myself just to take away your anxiety, mend myself to end your resistance to the way I am. And I know I can't do that, not on your urgent timeline anyway. You put me in an impossible bind. I feel so powerless.

I know your intentions are loving! I know you really want to help. You want to serve. You want to take away people's pain when you see it. You want to uplift, awaken, caretake, educate, inspire. You truly believe that you are a positive, compassionate, unselfish, nice, good, kind, pure, spiritual person.

But I want you to know, honestly, friend, I feel like a steaming pile of s**t when you try to 'love' me in this old way. It doesn't feel loving to me at all. Quite the opposite. It feels like you're trying to relieve your own tension by controlling me. Under the guise of you being 'kind' and 'helpful' and 'spiritual', I feel suffocated, smothered, rejected, shamed, and completely unloved. I feel abandoned in your love! Do you get that? I feel like you don't actually care about ME, even though on the surface it sure looks like you care! But deep down it feels like you are holding an image of how I should be. Your image. Not mine!

It looks like your love, but it feels like your violence. Do you understand?

Yet as soon as you stop trying to 'help' me, you are of the greatest help to me !

I stop trying to change to please you !
I feel safe, respected, seen, honored for what I am.
I can fall back into my own power.
I can trust myself again, the way you are trusting me.
I can relax deeply.

Without your pressure, your demand for me to abandon myself and be different, healed, transformed, enlightened, awakened, mended, 'better', I can better see myself.
I can discover my own inner resources.
I can touch my own powerful presence.
I feel safe enough to allow and express my true feelings, thoughts, desires, hold my own perceptions. I no longer feel smothered, a victim, a little child to your expert adult.
The courageous adult in me rises.
I breathe more deeply.
I feel my feet on the ground.
Loving attention drenches my experience, even the uncomfortable parts.
My senses feel less dull. Healing energies emerge from deep within.
I feel light, free, liberated from your fear.
I feel respected, not shamed.
Seen, not compared to an image.

You help me so much when you stop trying to help me, friend !
I need my own answers, my own truth, not yours. I want a friend, present and real, not an expert or a savior.

And do you see, when you are trying to save me, you are actually abandoning yourself ?
You are running from your own discomfort, your own unlived potential, and focusing on mine ?
I become your ultimate distraction.
I don't want to be that for you anymore.
Let's break this cycle together !
Let's stop trying to fix or save each other.
Let's love each other instead.
Bow to each other.
Bless each other.
Hold each other.
As we are.
As we actually, actually, actually are.
~Jeff Foster~