04/20/2026
The Bereavement Bestowals
Perhaps I will never get over the loss of Lainey. In a senseless, uncontrollable act of nature, a knot in her cord pulled tight the week before we anticipated her birth. When her mother paged, unable to get her to move, there was an onset of 18 sleepless hours of chart review, what-ifs, and searching for answers, none of which made sense until the doctor laid Lainey’s still body on her mother’s stomach and, crying, held up the cord, rich with blood to the knot, and drained and white on the other side. Stillbirth strips a soul to the bone and tests the very marrow to its weakest immunities. In the days following, the paths were cleared and all that had to be done was to walk that dark path of survival. Her parents brought her home and I supported her Dad in keeping her cool and maintained for 6 days. The funeral home happened to have a casket and vault that was too small for another infant, which fit her perfectly. The coroner gave the blessing for burial in Lainey’s own backyard, the quiet countryside. The printers did a no-charge rush printing when they saw her footprints on the program. Her labor & postpartum nurse, Sarah Bennett, arrived for the viewing and funeral at nearly the same time she’d met them 7 days prior in L&D. Four weeks ago, some honeybee fabric caught my eye and I began to sew what would become Lainey’s 2nd birthday gift, in a deeply therapeutic journey of my midwife mind. I would do anything and give everything to bring Lainey back. Her death was the death of the *Illusion of Control* I still held onto in midwifery. Her death aligned my practice with truth and light, a light that shone brightly upon deceit and deception which had been deeply hidden from me. Because of Lainey, I counsel, listen, manage, and live differently. And mark my words: NOT in fear, in humility to the work and to the illusion of control as a maternity care provider. On Friday, Lainey’s Mom asked me to stand beside her as, this afternoon, she took a gift basket to the L&D unit where Lainey was born, to be gifted to a family who gives birth to a baby girl on April 20th, in memory of Lainey. They told her story, shared their gratitude, and cried. Tonight, my family met Lainey’s family at her grave, where this quilt was gifted, a bereavement bestowal, in honor of Lainey. Bees for Lainey, the backing to match the clothing I was honored to dress her in, the daisies which she was buried with, and the herons - said to carry messages to and from heaven - who remind us that Lainey is near. We watched the sunset, all together. Blessed 2nd birthday, Lainey. You will always be my why.
