01/27/2026
want to speak about relationships and how our society has gone so far away from understanding what true relationships actually mean. There are plenty of studies and psychological research showing that we connect to our romantic partners not only through our conscious awareness. We consciously choose certain qualities—what we like about them—but we also connect through our childhood wounds, which usually exist in our subconscious mind.
The more wounds we have in common with another person in our suppressed awareness, in our shadow, the deeper and stronger the attraction can feel. We may find them sexy, feel an energetic pull toward them, and experience butterflies in the stomach. Butterflies in the stomach are a reaction of an activated nervous system—one that learned early on that relationships are not safe. If you have butterflies in your stomach, it often means you’ve met someone who is your biggest mirror, and you need to be prepared for many things to come to the surface in connection with this person.
Why do I say that we’ve gone so far away from knowing how to relate to each other? First of all, humanity as a whole—due to social pressure, emotional disconnection, and the near elimination of the emotional body and emotional health from our healthcare systems—has learned to interpret and treat emotions in a very unconscious way. We do not understand ourselves emotionally. Hence the deep emotional wounds that so many people around the world are carrying. Hence the wars, the diseases, the depression, the medication, and so on.
So when we choose to relate to another person—whether as a friend or a romantic partner—it’s important to understand that relationships are always about meeting needs. Our deepest needs in relationships almost always come from our deepest traumas, because behind every traumatic experience there is an unmet need that caused the trauma in the first place.
For example, if our trauma was a lack of attention in childhood, then we need to consciously bring this part of ourselves into relationships and speak about it with our partner. Not wanting them to heal our wounds for us, but finding a person who is willing to acknowledge and understand that the wound of not having enough attention in childhood is now part of who we are—and part of what they choose when they choose to be in relationship with us.
This is not about your partner being your therapist. It’s about your partner acknowledging you and saying, “I see you.” And because they are in relationship with you, they take you as part of their world and are willing to make small changes in their behavior and the way they relate to you. This shows that they are on your side and that your healing and safety matter to them.
An example of this could be sending a message that says, “Hey, I’m thinking about you.” How difficult is that? Or going to the grocery store and asking, “Is there anything you’d like me to get?” These small signs of attention communicate that the world is not the way you learned it to be in childhood—that there are people who see your needs and are willing to meet them because they care.
But in our society, and especially in the age of spirituality, where people believe that we create our own reality and that everyone is fully responsible for their own problems, we often place ourselves in a narcissistic bubble. We say, “Your trauma is your trauma, and I’m not responsible for your healing. If you feel I don’t give you enough attention, then you need to heal that wound.”
But if we truly understand spirituality—and psychology—we understand that everything is a reflection, especially our romantic relationships. Teachers and clinicians such as Gabor Maté, Teal Swan, and many others who work with trauma say that your romantic partner is your biggest mirror of your childhood wounds. So how can someone claim to be healed, enlightened, and spiritual, yet be attracted to a partner with a wound? How can you be reflected something in your closest relationships that you believe you do not have yourself?
It’s time to step out of this narcissistic bubble of “creating your own reality” and understand that when you choose a relationship with someone, you choose to take their well-being as part of your own. You choose to meet them halfway—both men and women.
If you are a man who was never able to express emotions because your feelings were not considered by your caregivers, speak about that with your partner. And if she understands that she chose you for a deeper reason, how can she not say, “I see you. I understand you. If you feel something, I am open to listening”?
Relationships are not about “you do you and I do me” and meeting only in moments where everything is perfect and fun. Relationships are about growth and expansion. And expansion means integrating what is being mirrored to you in your closest romantic encounters.
It is frightening how many people blame others for bringing vulnerability into relationships, accuse them of being “not healed enough,” and reject that vulnerability—re-traumatizing them—because they are afraid to see that there is also healing work to be done on their own side.
For people with deep emotional trauma, compatible relationships are those in which the trauma feels safe to express itself—where it is seen and not made wrong for existing.
If you find yourself repeatedly in traumatic or abusive relationships, or if you feel like you are attracting narcissists, there is likely a deep childhood wound that needs attention. Healing begins when you bring forward the vulnerable part of yourself—the part with unmet needs—and allow it to be present in relationship.
Relationships should not be chosen only based on the parts of you that are acceptable, impressive, or pleasing to others. They should also be chosen based on how you feel when you are with someone—whether your vulnerability is welcomed.
Relationship wounds are healed in relationships.
