09/30/2022
When we meet someone where they are, we release our suffering about where we believe they should be. As we bear witness to the story of their truth, we offer the safety of compassionate presence. The tears flowed quickly as the elder widow came into my office following the death of her husband. She soon declared, "I am not coming back. I just came this time out of curiosity". Perhaps you would like to come back next time just out of curiosity? "Yes, I would like that". We can invite someone to come out as we let go of our models of how they do it.
I remember a professor asking me about my mourning following the death of my mother. When I said, "Still suffering", he inquired about how long it had been. "6 months, I said". You should be getting over that by now! In that moment, I recognized that he was not a safe harbor. Amongst the areas we struggle is our belief that someone should be done with their grief. While there are indeed those who have become stuck in the process, we must be mindful of whose loss is being mourned.
We get lost in our relentless wishes for someone to change. Often engulfed in our disappointment. The thought, "I would never have done that" reinforces the strength of our righteousness. The expectations we hold for other's behavior keeps us trapped in right and wrong. We can certainly be hurt or upset by the impact of their choices. Accepting someone's unfolding reality doesn't mean letting go of our boundaries. Perhaps we decide to close the book on these chapters and let go of the relationship. However, it is always helpful to look in the mirror to see our contribution to these disconnections.
We can create the conditions in which another person feels safe to share their vulnerability. When we meet them with empathic presence, they are free to come in and out of their tree of refuge. Instead of rushing in with advice, we can inquire with an open heart that seeks to understand. It is in seeing others' pain with eyes of love, that we can hold them just as they are. That will require you to hold yourself tenderly as your heartache is awakened.
photo credit: unknown
