01/13/2026
January 13, 2026
Off I went to the movie theater alone, which is already a small act of rebellion in a world that insists entertainment must be shared, documented, and validated by snacks ordered in pairs.
Instead, I sat there with exactly five other theatergoers~six of us total~like a secret society of people who either knew something everyone else didnât⌠or simply showed up at the wrong time.
Honestly, it couldâve gone either way.
The movie was Anaconda. That movie has been remade who knows how many times already.
And then even in the movie it was also the theme.
Everyone in the movie was making questionable life choices.
Jack Black is in it, which should have been my first clue that this was going to be ridiculous in a very specific, existentially unhinged way.
The plot centers around three male high school friends and one female friend who, back in the golden haze of youth, all believed they were destined for cinematic greatness.
Actors. Filmmakers. Legends.
Cut to adulthood, and reality has arrived with a clipboard, a side-eye, and a resounding âno.â
One guy wants to be an actor but hasnât worked in forever and is clearly pinning his entire sense of self-worth on this one last shot.
Another guy makes wedding videos~which is its own kind of quiet grief when you once dreamed of red carpets.
Another has a medical condition that makes peeing in front of people⌠complicated, which becomes relevant in ways no one asked for.
The only female friend is a lawyer, successful on paper, miserable in spirit, and carrying the unshakable vibe of someone who keeps thinking, Is this really it?
Only one of them is married. Two never married. One is divorced. And one of them repeatedly~out loud~says, âIâm making really bad decisions. And This is another bad decision.â Which, honestly, was the most honest dialogue in the entire film.
So naturally, instead of therapy or a quiet meltdown, they decide to go into the Brazilian rainforest to remake Anaconda.
Because when life isnât working, the jungle is always the answer.
They enter the rainforest with the confidence of people who watched exactly one documentary and said, âYeah, I get it.â
The arguments start immediately.
Childlike optimism clashes with adult fear.
They underestimate everything: the terrain, the animals, the logistics, and especially the massive snake that has already killed people in previous movies.
One of them~the out-of-work actor~lies.
About everything. About his connections. About the movie. About the anaconda.
And everyone else follows him anyway, because hope makes people stupid in very predictable ways.
Then things escalate.
Illegal gold diggers appear. Guns appear. Shooting happens.
People die in ways that make you say, âOh yikes⌠wow⌠thatâs unfortunate,â while also somehow laughing because the tone is just that unhinged.
Itâs violence, but with a shrug. Death, but make it awkward.
The entire movie is basically a long montage of adults realizing~too late~that chasing a childhood dream without updating the plan is how you end up running from a giant snake while arguing about creative differences.
And there I was, sitting in my half-empty theater, laughing~not hysterically, not falling out of my seat~but that quiet, knowing laughter.
The kind where you recognize the absurdity because youâve lived it.
The kind where you think, Yeah⌠Iâve also followed a bad idea longer than I should have.
The other five moviegoers laughed too.
Strangers, briefly united by poor choices, snakes, and the universal realization that sometimes life doesnât give you a midlife crisis~it gives you an anaconda and says, âGood luck.â
I left the theater oddly satisfied.
Not inspired.
Not transformed.
Just amused.
And honestly?
That felt like a win.
Am I glad I went to see the movie? I sure AM.