03/06/2026
In this post, I tackle the difficult issue of a strained marriage and list five of the more common signs a marriage is strained and headed toward divorce.
It is rarely one single argument that ends a marriage; rather, it is usually a slow erosion of connection. Recognizing these signs early doesn't necessarily mean divorce is inevitable, but it does mean the relationship requires immediate, intentional intervention.
Here are five of the most critical signs that a marriage is under significant strain:
1. The "Four Horsemen" of Communication
Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman identified four communication patterns that are highly predictive of divorce. If these are your "default" settings, the foundation is cracking:
-Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character rather than a specific behavior.
-Contempt: Speaking with sarcasm, cynicism, or name-calling. Contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce.
-Defensiveness: Making excuses and playing the victim to avoid taking responsibility.
-Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the interaction, shutting down, and stopping a response altogether.
2. Emotional Disconnection (The "Roommate Syndrome")
Indifference is often more dangerous than anger. When you stop sharing your day, your dreams, or your fears, you:
-Feel like roommates rather than romantic partners.
-No longer turn to your spouse for emotional support.
-The silence in the house feels heavy rather than peaceful.
3. Lack of Physical and Emotional Intimacy
Intimacy is the "glue" of a marriage. While it is normal for the frequency of s*x to fluctuate, a complete lack of physical affection (hugging, holding hands, kissing) often signals a deeper emotional rift.
-The "Touch Gap": You actively avoid physical contact or feel "repulsed" by the idea of it.
-Affectionless Environment: You can't remember the last time you shared a genuine compliment or a lingering look.
4. Living in the Past or Future (Escapism)
When the present reality of the marriage is painful, partners often begin to "check out" mentally.
-Rewriting History: You find yourself remembering the beginning of your relationship negatively, as if you were "tricked" into the marriage.
-Future Fantasies: You frequently daydream about being single, living in your own apartment, or being with someone else. You are essentially "auditioning" a life without your spouse.
5. Constant Low-Level Resentment
Resentment is the "slow poison" of a relationship. It occurs when small hurts go unaddressed and eventually pile up into a mountain of bitterness.
-You keep a "scorecard" of every mistake your partner makes.
-You no longer give them the benefit of the doubt.
-Arguments aren't about solving problems anymore; they are about "winning" or hurting the other person.
I work with those in a strained marriage. I also work with business owners who have strained marriages. It is estimated that up to 20% of all M&A transactions for small businesses this year will be due to a divorce and the need to divide marital assets.
If you would like to speak with me, just call 763-458-3722.
Bill English, PhD, MDiv, MA, LP
Dr. English is an Executive Coach with over 35 years of experience starting, growing, and managing businesses. He has been the CEO of five companies, with revenue ranging from $75K to $25M and employee counts ranging from 2 to 550. English has conducted over 10,000 hours of psychotherapy as a clinical psychologist and has been a guest on Faith Radio (myfaithradio.com) for over 10 years. He has written twenty books, including Biblical Wisdom for Business Leaders, Working for a Difficult Boss, and A Christian Theology of Business Ownership. English holds a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, another in Divinity, and a PhD in Business Management. He has also completed post-graduate work in family systems therapy, trauma therapy, strategic organizational leadership, and business process management. Book a free 45-minute consultation to speak with him.
