03/14/2026
Early in my clinical work, I studied with Tom Gordon, the author of Parent Effectiveness Training.
One of the most important questions he ever taught me to ask was deceptively simple:
Who owns the problem?
Iโve carried that question with me for decades.
When someone is suffering, our instinct is often to jump in, fix it, or take responsibility for their pain. But what I learned, both professionally and personally, is that this often does more harm than good. If the issue is internal to them, and there is no tangible, concrete impact on my life, then the problem is not mine to solve.
Compassion is always appropriate.
Taking it on is not.
When I stopped absorbing other peopleโs struggles as if they were my own, something interesting happened: I became a role model without trying to be one. By not rescuing, I allowed others the dignity of finding their own way.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give someone is the space to wrestle with their own confusion.
