Haven Christian Counseling

12/16/2025

“Patience is a virtue” or so the saying goes. I have heard patience defined as waiting with grace and without complaining. We live in a society that dislikes waiting. There is high speed internet, fast food, same day delivery and on-demand everything. Often, waiting is viewed as disruptive, inefficient, unproductive or an obstacle to getting the things we want. But according to research, those who learn to be patient have lower stress levels, have better communication and understanding in relationships, are less impulsive, have better self-control and are more resilient. So why is waiting so difficult? Neuroscience shows that when we are forced to wait, our brain’s two main systems start a tug of war. The Amygdala(alarm center) is saying “do something” and the Prefrontal Cortex(logic and reasoning center) is saying, “evaluate, breathe and problem solve.” When the Amygdala wins, impatience floods our bodies with cortisol, fight or flight kicks in and we leak energy. When the Prefrontal Cortex wins, patience helps us to regulate our nervous system and respond rather than react. To see this in effect, just watch people around you at the airport when a flight is cancelled. Some people pause and think, while others race up to the attendant desk. In a study of 440 university students, researchers found that patient people had higher levels of empathy, altruism and discipline. They also found that patient people were less prone to negative emotions and stress. Patience is therefore something we all want to practice.

So, how do we grow in patience and learn to be ok with waiting?

Patience is a fruit of the Spirit and part of God’s nature. So most importantly, we need to stay connected to God. Praying and meditating helps us to calm our nervous system. If you are feeling the need to act, pause and let truth lead instead of fear. God is working while we wait. Reframe waiting as training, and do it without complaining. Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart.” Let hardship soften you, not harden you. Don’t lose hope. Romans 5:3-4, “Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope.” Respond rather than react, and ask yourself what God might be forming in you right now? James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” And finally, remember how patient God is with you. Recall moments when God waited on you, forgave you, or met you gently.

12/08/2025

Inner Peace

Inner peace is one of those things that we all crave. Peace can be defined as a state of tranquility or calmness that transcends circumstances. The Hebrew word for peace is “shalom,” and it means “wholeness” or “completeness.” The word ‘peace’ appears nearly 429 times in the Bible, which tells us why the phrase “Peace be with you” is so important. In John 14:27 Jesus says, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” Jesus gave us a legacy of peace! It is a gift, not something we need to earn or attain. In Ephesians 2:14, Paul says, “Jesus himself is our peace.” Peace is more than a feeling or emotion, peace is a person! We can never be complete or whole on our own. But, if you are like like me, you often start the day off in peace, but find yourself without peace by the afternoon. Something happens, or gradually throughout the day my focus shifts from being sensitive to the Holy Spirit to being sensitive to fear, emotions, or stress. I have come to realize that the moment I cease to look up or keep my eyes fixed on Jesus(the Prince of Peace), my peace wavers.

Colossians 3:15 says, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts and minds.” The word rule here literally means to act like an umpire or to decide what is in you. That means my thoughts, feelings or fears do not get to dominate or have the final say! Christ gets to be the deciding voice in my heart and mind. So when anxiety creeps in, I can pause, breathe and pray, “Jesus, please come and rule in this moment. Holy Spirit meet me here. Let your voice of peace be the voice I listen to above all others.”

12/02/2025

Crying is a natural human response to intense emotions. Crying releases several hormones, including cortisol, oxytocin and endorphins. These chemicals that can help ease pain and relieve stress.The Psalms are full of passion and expressed emotions. Almost a third of the 150 Psalms are classified as expressions of grief and sadness. There is also an entire book in the OT called Lamentations that is a poetic expression of grief and mourning. I think we can learn something from the lament that is described in Scripture. Individuals and communities commonly expressed their pain to God. This helped them process suffering and turn to God for Divine help. We don’t tell someone with a broken leg to just pray more or ignore the pain, yet we often tell people with emotional pain to just pray more or move on? In my office, it is rare for people to not apologize if they start crying. Yet, no one should ever have to apologize for having a natural bioregulatory repsonse. But, in our society, people are not really encouraged to cry. Many people are taught that emotions are meant to be hidden or controlled, or not felt at all. Crying is labeled as “dramatic.” Being emotional makes you “week”, “unstable” or “too sensitive”.

But, tears are important to God. Tears can be a form of honest communication and connection. Some things are just too deep for language. So often, we can release much of the pain that we are carrying by just honestly expressing it out loud. And if someone is present and attuned, the act of crying allows your nervous system to move from feeling overwhelmed to a more balanced state.

It is essential for us to normalize crying as a part of the human experience. Let’s create an environment where we can share both our joys and our sorrows without fear or shame. Embrace your emotions, and remember: it’s perfectly okay to cry. At the end of the day, crying just like every other response to emotions passes, it won’t last forever. “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” Psalm 126:5

11/24/2025

“Withered Places”

One Sabbath day Jesus went to the synagogue to teach, and there was a man there with a withered right hand. His name is not mentioned, only his disability. Withered is a very descriptive word, and describes what happens to a plant when it shrivels up and dies. Jesus shows up, has compassion in him and tells him to “stretch out his hand.” His hand is immediately restored just like his other hand. In seconds he went from being defined by his disability, to being totally restored. Every one of us has at least one place in our lives that has dried up, or is withering. What areas may be “withered” in your life? What may you need to be confront or surrender? Is it unconfessed sin, a deep emotional wound, burnout, abandoned dreams, grudges or loneliness? Whatever it is, Jesus has the power to heal it and wants more for you! Jesus asked this man do do something he couldn’t do on his own. What may Jesus be asking you to do that you can not do on your own? This man obeyed Jesus and stretched out his hand in faith. This required him to face his own fears and to be vulnerable in front of those present. I am always honored and grateful when someone shares something with me during a counseling or prayer session that they have never told anyone. I thank them for their courage and willingness to be vulnerable. Some of them have carried the shame of their “secret” for years. It brings me great joy and I love to see the visible lightness and relief on their faces by the end of those sessions. Jesus is like that, he brings a lightness and waters our withered places. When we allow him into those places, he takes what is broken and brings restoration. Maybe you have done everything in your power to try to heal, but what if it’s not about us trying harder or being more spiritual. Could it simply be allowing His compassion and love to reach into those places that have been thirsty for years?

Lord, I open up all of the hidden and secret places in my life to you and say, “Come in.” I need Your help! I surrender completely to Your will. There is no place Your love can not reach. Come and quench my deepest thirst. I drink deeply from Your fountain of life. Water me by the power of Your Word and fill me with Your Holy Spirit. Remove all worldly dependence, and transform me into Your likeness. Amen.

11/18/2025

Have you ever wondered, “Why can’t I just get over this and move on?” Someone says something hurtful or maybe you got fired from your job. You want to be able to just let it roll off your back and move on. But, your brain just keeps playing the same old tape over and over again. Unfortunately, our brains don’t have an off switch. In psychology we call this rumination. The word originates from the way cows chew their cud, swallow it, and then bring it back up to chew some more(yuck). Rumination is our brains way of trying to solve a problem. Our brains are trying to help us find a solution so that we can take action and resolve the issue. The problem is that not everything is fixable. Therefore, we get stuck in the hamster wheel of ruminating thoughts which causes us ongoing emotional distress. And then, to make matters even worse, we beat ourselves up for not being able to get over our struggles and then take on shame! What to do?

Put on the mind of Christ. Shift Your attention or distract your brain by thinking about, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:18

If someone hurt you, forgive them and visualize handing them, and your hurt over to God

Label the thought(out loud is even better)- this reduces activity in the amygdala and lowers emotional intensity. For example, “I am having a thought that something bad will happen, I will choose to trust God…. or I notice that this is my brain reacting to a threat that isn’t actually happening now, I’m safe.”

Remember the devil will try to rob you of your future by keeping you in the past. Rehearsing the negative things from your past over and over is coming into agreement with the enemy’s plans and giving him a foothold.

It can also be helpful to figure out what the core emotion is behind the rumination. It’s usually triggered by something like shame, fear or unresolved loss/grief. Do the opposite of what you want to do when you feel those emotions arise. If you want to isolate-call someone, or if you want to lay on the couch-go for a walk. Find a bible verse that addresses your core emotion and memorize it for those times you need to refocus. Example, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

11/13/2025

Hypervigilance means you’re constantly expecting the worst is about to happen,every single day, every single minute.
It looks like: Scanning the room for exits. Jumping at sudden noises and failing to trust other people. You're struggling to relax, even when you “know” you’re safe in this very moment. It’s lying awake at night, heart pounding, replaying scenarios just in case.
Your mind may understand you’re safe, but your body still carries the images and sensations of past danger. Safety isn’t something you think. It’s something you feel.
That’s why affirmations or “talking it out” can often fall flat. They can’t convince your nervous system.
ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) helps by reprocessing those images, releasing the charge, and letting your body experience a deep felt sense of safety. Not just in thought, but in your entire being.
It brings the safety you can finally experience, not just wish for.
Find an ART-trained therapist near you www.ARTworksnow.com

11/10/2025

Safe vs. Unsafe Relationships
According to Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend in their book, “Safe People.” Safe relationships are the ones that draw us closer to God, draw us closer to others, and help us to become the person we were created be.
Many people have deep wounds and trust issues from being hurt by unsafe people. They often struggle to find healthy relationships and seem to even attract unsafe people. This can lead to ongoing abusive relationships or a total shut down and avoidance of intimacy. Both are damaging and keep people stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns. So how can we determine who is safe emotionally? What is healthy vs. unhealthy?

Healthy

Motivation- wanting wisdom and to stay healthy emotionally.
Belief- “It is ok to let people in, I will gradually open up as trust grows”
Actions- You set clear boundaries, speak up for yourself, but are open to connection and building trust
Feelings-peaceful and safe
It honors God by allowing love to flow in and flow out

Unhealthy

Motivation- hurt, fear or shame
Belief- “If I let people in, they will hurt me”
Actions-You withdraw to avoid being hurt, shut down, and assume rejection before it happens
Feelings-lonely, anxious and unseen
It keeps you from receiving the comfort and love God wants to give through others

You don’t have to justify keeping a boundary. You are allowed to protect your peace. Jesus himself didn’t trust everyone- He loved all, but was discerning about who he let close or in his inner circle (John 2:24-25). Pay attention to your body and spirit. If you leave feeling lighter, calmer and more yourself-that is a good sign. If you leave feeling drained, small, or tense-that is a warning sign. Safe people help you to grow, not shrink. Safe people’s words and actions line up. Consistency over time is the truest sign of safety. Ask God for discernment.

11/06/2025

11/04/2025

“In a word, if love reigns in our heart, we become, in a complete and luminous way, the persons we are meant to be, for every human being is created above all else for love. In the deepest fiber of our being, we were made to love and to be loved,” Pope Francis

Most if not all of our problems are caused by a lack of love, or the inability to receive love. Authentic love reflects the true nature and character of God. It doesn’t begin with human efforts or emotion. God’s message to us, “I love you no matter what, I am not afraid of your mistakes and flaws and you don’t have to be afraid of them either.” Love and fear are enemies and have opposite agendas. God’s perfect love casts out all fear and changes our hearts so that we can genuinely love others. The best way to cast out fear relationally is to leave no doubt in the mind of others and yourself that you are loved. Like a lamp that must be plugged into a power source in order to produce light, we must stay connected to the source of love in order to walk in and receive genuine love.

Characteristics of Authentic Love

Unconditional- Not withdrawing love when someone makes a mistake and being quick to forgive.

2. Selfless- Not out for personal gain, but gives without expecting something in return.

3. Honest- Vulnerable and speaks the truth with kindness and courage, even when hard
or uncomfortable. Promises are kept.

4. Respectful- Not controlling, pressuring or manipulative. Honors boundaries and willing
to validate another’s point of view even when it is different.

5. Safe- Encourages growth, isn’t envious. It is consistent and reliable even when emotions
waver. Nurturing instead of judging.

6. Accountable- Takes responsibility for emotional patterns, behaviors and past traumas.
Doing the necessary work in order to heal.

10/28/2025

Jesus was perhaps the only one in the world who ever fully lived securely and completely trusting God. Most of us have a tendency to follow our own ways when it feels risky or too dangerous to obey the will of God. I would like to say that I was immediately obedient and didn’t grapple with actively pursuing opening a Healing Center here in Charleston. I often hear people talk about how they want to start a ministry with such excitement and passion. I was NOT that person for many reasons. But, mainly I think it was because I knew the cost, commitment, pain and sacrifice that it was going to take to accept the call. I have been in the church long enough to know how hard ministry is and what it can do to good people. Mark 9:35 says, “if any man would be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all.” I don’t know about you, but this world has taught me that being a servant is hard and not a very desirable position. Jesus describes himself as meek and lowly of heart. I think He is saying that it is a good thing and not dangerous to be lowly, insignificant or unappreciated. This is so countercultural to our current world and mentality. We expect to be noticed, appreciated and understood. I have noticed that most murmuring and complaining within an organization happens when people feel unheard, misunderstood, set aside or unappreciated. This then leads to disappointment and hurt, which if left unhealed can cause division or destroy Christian fellowship. What if we as Christians could get to the place of being so secure in Christ that we could courageously remain at peace when unnoticed, misunderstood or set aside?
Lord, give us the courage to remain unnoticed, set aside and misunderstood. You never did anything in order to gain recognition or become popular. Help us to be so secure in Your love and trust you completely. May we be strong and courageous and willing to go against current cultural norms. You chose to be meek and lowly. Help us at Healing Haven to be a pure and humble ministry that brings glory to You. Help us to make people feel seen, heard and appreciated. Amen!

10/28/2025

“The settled happiness and security which we all desire, God withholds from us by the very nature of the world: but joy, pleasure, and merriment, He has scattered broadcast. We are never safe, but we have plenty of fun, and some ecstasy. It is not hard to see why. The security we crave would teach us to rest our hearts in this world and oppose an obstacle to our return to God: a few moments of happy love, a landscape, a symphony, a merry meeting with out friends, a bathe or a football match, have no such tendency. Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

10/21/2025

So beautiful to see this firsthand! :)