Haven Christian Counseling

02/17/2026

Empathy vs. Responsibility

Did you know there is a difference between being empathetic versus taking responsibility for someone else’s behavior or emotions? Empathy says, “I understand and care about your pain.” Empathy does not mean fixing it, carrying it, or agreeing with everything. Taking responsibility determines what you carry. If you are a compassionate person, most likely you have blurred the lines a bit between the two. Taking responsibility for someone else can look like: emotional exhaustion, feeling guilty for things you did not do, apologizing when you did nothing wrong, staying in unhealthy dynamics and losing connection with yourself and your needs. Healthy empathy says: “I care about you. But I am not responsible for your emotions.” Without boundaries, caring can turn into emotional over-functioning. Jesus himself was very compassionate, but also did not take responsibility for people’s emotional reactions. A good example of this is when Martha tries to blame him for not caring that her sister wasn’t helping out in Luke 10:41. Galations 6:5 says, “each one should carry his own load.” You may be thinking, but what about Galatians 6:2 where it says, “help carry one another’s burdens?” I think there is a difference between supporting and helping someone, versus taking on or replacing someone else’s personal responsibility. If you’ve been an emotional caretaker for a long time, stopping will feel wrong. You may feel selfish, mean or cold. You are not. You are recalibrating. You are no longer absorbing their emotions, you are simply witnessing them.
Remind yourself, “I am only responsible for my intentions and actions. I am not responsible for someone else’s emotions.”

02/13/2026

“God never asks you to lose yourself to love others. Without boundaries, you don’t grow in love — you grow distant from the person He created you to be.”

02/03/2026

Neural Synchronicity and Prayer

Neural synchronicity refers to moments when two people’s nervous systems align, and their brain waves, emotional states, breathing rhythms, or heart rates begin to mirror each other. Genesis 2:18 says, “It is not good for man to be alone.” Shared attention is one of the strongest drivers of neural synchronicity. The brain is a social organ. When safety and shared focus are present, it naturally wants to sync with others. Prayer is more than a spiritual act, it uses the same neural systems involved in connection. Prayer helps your nervous system shift from threat to connection. God designed humans to co-regulate, not just self-regulate. Co-regulation is when someone else can help settle your emotional state by making you feel heard, seen, understood or loved. You see this happen when a child turns to its mother in times of distress for comfort. We are designed to respond positively to all things that reflect God’s true nature. When we are around others who are emotionally attuned, safe, loving and full of peace it activates the vagus nerve, oxytocin is released and our heart rate slows down. Being in Christian community is meant to help us regulate, not pressure or shame us. Matthew 18:20 says, “Where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them.” When we worship together or pray for one another, we are not just synchronizing with each other, we are orienting towards God. We are aligning with His perfect, loving, and healing nature. So why do I feel able to regulate around some people, but not others? It is because their inner state is pulling your system into effort, vigilance, or emotional labor. Prayer doesn’t necessarily override nervous systems, but reveals them. Although, the Holy Spirit can certainly override our nerves! When both parties are fully attuned and focused on God, it is regulating. When we are being pulled into each others inner world, it becomes draining and unhealthy. As a psychotherapist, I have had to really work on staying attuned and focused on God or I become flooded with other people’s problems and emotions. We are to “cast our cares on God,”not transfer them to someone else.

02/03/2026

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01/20/2026

Why doesn’t God intervene? I am glad that others in the Bible have asked this question. In Job chapter 21, Job is having a heated discussion with his friends about how the wicked go unpunished. He is wondering why God seems to treat people unfairly. After all, isn’t God supposed to reward the good and punish the bad? Deuteronomy 32:4 says, “The Rock, His work is perfect, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness without iniquity; just and upright is he.” Could it be that God’s idea of justice is beyond ours? Human justice focuses on punishing the guilty and retaliation. God’s justice seeks to restore, heal and redeem. Isaiah 55:8-9, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.” Sometimes God doesn’t intervene because he sees a bigger picture. Jeremiah the prophet also asked God this same question in Jeremiah 12:1, “Why does the way of the wicked prosper?” God responded in vs.5, “If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses?” In other words, he seems to be saying that you are going to need to have better endurance for what is ahead. Maybe God loves us too much to let us settle for less than what He believes we can be? There is also the reality that some growth only happens through struggle. God often works through suffering rather than removing it, in order to help us get stronger. But most importantly, we must tell ourselves that God’s lack of intervention does not mean lack of care!! God does not leave us when we are suffering-He is present through our suffering. Satan loves to try and get us to question God’s goodness and our identity when we are going through hardship. Don’t let him! 2 Corinthians 4:17 says, “Our present troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” God is redemptive and wastes nothing. Humility and dependence on God grows in these places of pain.

Lord, you see our weariness and confusion. Some days we grow tired of trusting without seeing and hoping when circumstances don’t seem to change. Yet we know you are always good, even when life is not. Give us endurance and teach us how to lean on You. Anchor us in Your truth and remind us that this suffering is not meaningless and without purpose. Let Your Presence be our comfort when answers do not come. Fill us with courage and unwavering faith. Help us to run with the horses and go beyond our human limitations. You have the final word and I choose to trust in You! Amen.

01/13/2026

Add an Omega-3 supplement to your daily routine. Studies suggest that Omega-3 supplements can positively impact stress, anxiety, depression, sleep quality, and everyday memory in individuals with psychological distress.

01/13/2026

The word “trigger” has become a sort of buzz word these days and is being used flippantly to describe strong emotions, or things that rub people the wrong way. When it comes to mental health, being triggered means re-experiencing trauma symptoms when exposed to an internal or external cue. Clinically speaking, a trigger is when your brain registers a physical or emotional threat. Very simply, a threat is detected, your brain signals danger and your body goes into fight or flight mode overriding the prefrontal cortex where logical thinking occurs. This happens within seconds and the person being triggered has little conscious control in that moment. This happens when a painful memory or experience is “tripped" in the brain. How amazing is it that God gave us this “safety feature.” When trauma occurs big or small, this “fear center” can become overactive and mistake safe situations as threats. When traumatic experiences are not processed correctly, your nervous system’s ability to distinguish past trauma from present safety is impaired. Common triggers are feeling criticized, out of control, rejected, dismissed, abandoned, unappreciated, unsafe or misunderstood. With PTSD, triggers can be places, smells or sounds. Whenever a moment feels bigger than it should, an old wound or trauma is likely being triggered by your current situation. A really big reaction is often an indicator that the wound/trauma is really big. It is important to realize that triggers are not a sign of spiritual weakness or failure! They are indicators that something needs to be tended to or recognized. When you react to a trigger, be careful not to go straight to shame and ask yourself questions like, “Why am I like this, or What is wrong with me?” It is better to ask yourself “What am I needing in this moment or What am I feeling?” Spend some time in prayer bringing your emotions to God, and invite Him to show you what you may need to learn. For example, if you feel unsafe, remind yourself in that moment that you are safe and use a scripture like Psalm 91:1 “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” Or, if you are feeling misunderstood, remind yourself that Psalm 34:17-18 says, “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

01/06/2026

“Healing does not come by avoiding relational conflict, it comes when we learn to trust the repair process.”

Rupture is inevitable in relationships. A rupture can be big or small. It happens when there is a break in connection between two people. It can occur as a result of painful interactions, misunderstandings, assumptions, misattunement, or betrayal. But if handled carefully and correctly, ruptures can actually strengthen a relationship. If repair doesn’t occur, then resentment builds and the relationship deteriorates. Repair is about growth and healing cracks within the relationship. The key to its effectiveness is how well the ruptures is handled and that it is repaired. Is the rupture ignored and left to fester, or is it acknowledged and tended to? To repair the rupture, the first step is acknowledging the rupture. The second step is to pray and invite God to speak and heal! The relationship between Peter and Jesus was ruptured by Peter’s betrayal. Jesus initiated a repair by showing compassion, forgiving him, and giving him another chance. Often, the person who is more emotionally mature initiates the repair process. In this case, my guess is that Peter had so much shame around his behavior that he was unable to initiate the repair himself? I don’t think it matters who initiates, but you aren’t necessarily off the hook to be the initiator even when you are the one hurt or betrayed. Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” The next step is to see if there is a mutual willingness to work towards repair. An effective repair looks like: listening to one another(without defensiveness), accepting responsibility for your part, apology+planned behavioral change, forgiveness, clarifying expectations moving forward and rebuilding trust. If the person is willing, but is inconsistent in changing their behavior then you need to set boundaries and consider getting outside help from a pastor or therapist. If the person is not willing, refuses to stop behavior and/or take responsibility, then you may need to release or let them go. Releasing someone requires discernment, and requires following the steps mentioned in Matthew 18:15-17. Scripture commands us to forgive others when they hurt us, but it does not say we have to reconcile or stay in an emotionally harmful relationship.

01/01/2026

12/30/2025

How do you respond in times of uncertainty? There are two distinct ways we tend to process unknowns. One is to focus on the future, and the other is to focus on the present. Focusing on the future stirs up fear and anxiety, but remaining present in the moment helps you to accept that life is unpredictable and trust God. Fear and anxiety lead to wanting control, while staying present leads to acceptance and trust. However, uncertainty can be unsettling for anyone, especially for those already diagnosed with a mental health condition. Our brain is programmed to seek predictability and control, so when faced with uncertainty, it can go into overdrive. The body will go into fight or flight mode, release hormones that cause us to stay in a state of distress. In those moments the physiological symptoms can keep you from being able to look at things from a more logical standpoint. David experienced significant uncertainty throughout his life, especially when he fled from Saul and felt abandoned by God. He says to the Lord in Psalm 13:1, “How long , O Lord?” The apostle Paul also faced uncertainty throughout his ministry from imprisonment to shipwrecks. So what can we learn from their challenges?

It is ok to be honest and express our feelings of fear and abandonment. Faith begins with honest admission.
Shift from needing or wanting to control your circumstances to surrendering and trusting in God’s character. Instead of telling yourself “I need to know what will happen” change it to “I need to trust that God is faithful whatever happens.”
Take action, both Paul and David responded in faith and prayed to God. They remained courageous and held onto faith during times of uncertainty. James 1:2-4 encourages us to consider it joy when facing trials, as these challenges test our faith and produce perseverance. This perseverance leads us to spiritual maturity, making us complete and lacking nothing.
Community support. Galations 6:2 says to carry one another’s burdens. Community can provide us with support, encouragement and help motivate us to remain faithful when things are difficult.

12/16/2025

“Patience is a virtue” or so the saying goes. I have heard patience defined as waiting with grace and without complaining. We live in a society that dislikes waiting. There is high speed internet, fast food, same day delivery and on-demand everything. Often, waiting is viewed as disruptive, inefficient, unproductive or an obstacle to getting the things we want. But according to research, those who learn to be patient have lower stress levels, have better communication and understanding in relationships, are less impulsive, have better self-control and are more resilient. So why is waiting so difficult? Neuroscience shows that when we are forced to wait, our brain’s two main systems start a tug of war. The Amygdala(alarm center) is saying “do something” and the Prefrontal Cortex(logic and reasoning center) is saying, “evaluate, breathe and problem solve.” When the Amygdala wins, impatience floods our bodies with cortisol, fight or flight kicks in and we leak energy. When the Prefrontal Cortex wins, patience helps us to regulate our nervous system and respond rather than react. To see this in effect, just watch people around you at the airport when a flight is cancelled. Some people pause and think, while others race up to the attendant desk. In a study of 440 university students, researchers found that patient people had higher levels of empathy, altruism and discipline. They also found that patient people were less prone to negative emotions and stress. Patience is therefore something we all want to practice.

So, how do we grow in patience and learn to be ok with waiting?

Patience is a fruit of the Spirit and part of God’s nature. So most importantly, we need to stay connected to God. Praying and meditating helps us to calm our nervous system. If you are feeling the need to act, pause and let truth lead instead of fear. God is working while we wait. Reframe waiting as training, and do it without complaining. Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart.” Let hardship soften you, not harden you. Don’t lose hope. Romans 5:3-4, “Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope.” Respond rather than react, and ask yourself what God might be forming in you right now? James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” And finally, remember how patient God is with you. Recall moments when God waited on you, forgave you, or met you gently.