09/21/2025
We hear the term ‘manipulation’ thrown around in therapy a lot. It’s a pop culture term that has lost meaning in the general public. So let’s clear it up:
When someone is manipulating, they are using fraud and deceit to get some type of personal gain. They are trying to trick a person. So, what is the alleged manipulator asking you to do?
When someone explains to you how your statements, actions, and beliefs are harmful to them, and thus, makes them not want to be around you, they are setting boundaries. Boundaries are set by a person who wants to protect their psychological integrity.
If you are dissatisfied or upset by someone’s boundaries, instead of responding with defensiveness or perpetuating a story about your own victimhood, really try to listen to the other person.
We hear these stories all the time. Initially, the person with whom the boundary is drawn claims to have “no idea” or believes the rationale is frivolous, which is why they don’t give it any legitimacy. That approach never brings people back together, and sometimes that’s for the best. Ideal repair work involves truth-telling and honest exploration. Not everyone is up to the task, and a person who decides to go in another direction isn’t manipulating the situation. They are protecting themselves.
