11/01/2024
I often see posts about people trying to escape relationships with narcissists by using techniques like the grey rock method or going no-contact to avoid the emotional triggers the narcissist activates. So, I thought I’d share this article I wrote, which may help explain why resistance or suppression alone often fails.
"Why What We Try To Resist Persists: Understanding the Psychology and Neuroscience of Resistance and Suppression in Narcissistic Relationships"
By Scott Vinci M.S.com
There’s a saying, “What you try to resist, persists,” which refers consciously trying to avoid, push away or move away (by creating distance or limited or no contact) from feelings, thoughts or emotions commonly triggered by a narcissist (family member or intimate partner). This phrase also refers to the psychological tendency for unresolved feelings (including deeper emotions like guilt, self-criticism, and shame), (thoughts (such as beliefs about the narcissist, the relationship, and oneself), or conflicts around identity and self-actualization to intensify or re-emerge if not properly processed and released. Both psychological and neurobiological theories explain why resisting or suppressing these constructs tends to reinforce them, leading to persistent negative effects and recurring patterns.
Here is an in-depth explanation:
1. Suppression and Repression: The Psychological Examination
In psychology, actively trying to resist or suppress feelings, thoughts, or emotions can paradoxically make them stronger. This is explained through thought suppression theory, extensively studied by Daniel Wegner. His theory of ironic process suggests that when we try not to think about something, we engage two mental processes: an intentional process to suppress the feeling or thought and a monitoring process that scans for the very feeling or thought we’re trying to avoid. This scanning increases our awareness of the suppressed feeling or thought, making it harder to avoid.
• Suppression and Intrusiveness: Actively trying to push certain feelings or thoughts away typically results in their rebound, often becoming more intrusive and persistent than before.
• Rumination: Suppression can also lead to rumination, where people repeatedly focus on the distressing thought or emotion, which reinforces its presence.
2. The Role of the Amygdala and Prefrontal Cortex: The Neurobiological Explanation
In the brain, emotions are processed by regions like the amygdala, responsible for emotional responses, and the prefrontal cortex (PFC), which helps regulate those emotions. When we resist or suppress feelings, thoughts, or emotions, we inadvertently increase activity in the amygdala, the brain’s emotional center, making those emotions more prominent.
• Amygdala Activation: Research shows that attempting to suppress feelings, thoughts, or emotions—particularly negative ones—actually heightens amygdala activity, amplifying the emotional response.
• Prefrontal Cortex Strain: Suppression demands cognitive effort from the PFC. However, since emotions aren’t truly processed or resolved, this effort is ultimately unsustainable. Over time, the PFC tires, making unwanted thoughts or emotions re-emerge, often with increased intensity.
3. Cortisol and Stress Response: The Brain at Work
Resisting emotions, thoughts, and feelings keeps the body’s fight-or-flight mechanism engaged. The repeated release of stress hormones like cortisol can lead to physical manifestations, such as anxiety or other symptoms of physiological stress, due to prolonged emotional arousal. This state of heightened stress can result in physical exhaustion, activate addictive behaviors, or manifest as chronic tension, insomnia, or even psychosomatic illness.
4. The Impact of Resistance on Behavior and Well-being
Unresolved emotions or thoughts often manifest through unconscious behaviors or recurring emotional patterns. For example:
• Behavioral Avoidance: Resisting emotions or unresolved issues may lead people to avoid situations that could trigger those feelings. Over time, avoidance can create a rigid lifestyle, limit personal growth, and foster anxiety.
• Projection and Relationship Strain: Unprocessed emotions may also surface as projection—attributing one’s suppressed feelings, such as anger or blame, to others. This is common in relationships, where people unknowingly express unresolved issues through conflicts.
• Physical Symptoms: Resisting distress may lead to chronic muscle tension, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, or other stress-related symptoms, making the emotional resistance manifest physically.
5. Recognizing the Impact of Resistance and Suppression: Transforming It to Truly Let Go
Recognizing the impact of resistance involves noticing recurring negative feelings or thoughts, unprocessed emotional reactions, or disproportionate behavioral patterns. Techniques like mindfulness, emotional acceptance, and rescripting with intentionality (as discussed in Bruised…Not Broken) are effective because they allow individuals to observe rather than avoid emotions, diminishing their power and retraining the brain toward more positive and effective outcomes.
Resisting or suppressing emotions triggered by a narcissistic partner paradoxically reinforces them through both psychological processes (such as suppression and rumination) and neurobiological responses (like heightened amygdala activity and stress hormone release). These processes collectively explain why “What you try to resist, persists” and highlight the importance of processing feelings, thoughts, and emotions with an objective, supportive witness to reduce their power over one’s emotional and physical well-being, and capacity to let go and move forward.
One of the obstacles to overcome along with this understanding is that of the trauma bond associated with intermittent reinforcements typically associated with abusive or narcissistic relationships.
The trauma bond is a psychological attachment that forms between a person and their abuser, often seen in narcissistic relationships. This bond results from cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement—where periods of affection are interspersed with mistreatment. These highs and lows create a powerful attachment that becomes difficult to break, affecting the brain’s functioning on both emotional and physiological levels. Here we will explore how trauma bonding works in the brain, how resistance and suppression strengthen it, and what is required to break free.
1. How Trauma Bonding Affects Brain Function
In a narcissistic relationship, a trauma bond is driven by neurochemical changes that reinforce attachment. The brain’s reward system becomes conditioned to the intense cycles of positive and negative reinforcement, which can make the relationship feel "addictive."
• Dopamine Release: Positive moments with the narcissistic partner, like affection or love bombing, release dopamine, the brain’s reward neurotransmitter. This creates a feeling of euphoria and reinforces attachment. These moments, however, are unpredictable, so the brain craves them, constantly seeking validation from the narcissist.
• Oxytocin and Attachment: Oxytocin, often called the "bonding hormone," plays a role in attachment, making individuals feel connected to and trusting of the narcissistic partner, despite abuse.
• Cortisol and Stress Response: During conflict or abuse, the brain releases cortisol, a stress hormone, which causes emotional and physical distress. When stress and relief cycles continue, the brain begins associating the relationship with survival, reinforcing the bond even further.
These neurochemical responses create a cycle in which the brain craves the highs of affection and feels distressed during the lows, creating an addictive attachment that perpetuates the trauma bond.
2. The Role of Resistance and Suppression in Reinforcing the Trauma Bond
When individuals resist or suppress the emotions tied to the trauma bond—such as anger, hurt, or betrayal—these unprocessed feelings continue to influence their feelings, thoughts, and emotions manifesting in patterns of behavior. Here’s how resistance and suppression play into the cycle:
• Suppression of Negative Feelings, Thoughts, and Emotions: To cope with the abuse, individuals might suppress painful feelings, thoughts, and emotions (e.g., fear, sadness) instead of processing them. However, these emotions don’t disappear; they remain in the subconscious and often resurface in behaviors, intrusive thoughts, or recurring emotional patterns.
• Ironic Process and Rumination: The more someone tries to suppress thoughts of leaving or of the narcissist’s mistreatment, the more these thoughts tend to persist, leading to rumination and reinforcing the bond.
• Distorted Perception of Reality: Suppression of negative feelings, thoughts, and emotions as in a narcissistic relationship can make positive memories feel more prominent, contributing to cognitive dissonance. This discrepancy causes people to rationalize the narcissist's behavior and remain hopeful that things will improve.
By trying to suppress their feelings, thoughts, and emotions or avoid their full experience of the trauma, individuals remain in a cycle of emotional dependency, reinforcing the trauma bond.
3. Breaking Free from the Trauma Bond
Breaking a trauma bond requires working through these deep-seated attachments by acknowledging and processing feelings, thoughts, and emotions rather than suppressing or resisting them. Here are essential steps to breaking free:
• Awareness and Education: Understanding the cycle of abuse and how trauma bonding works in the brain can empower individuals to recognize unhealthy attachment patterns. Knowledge about narcissistic behavior and trauma bonding reduces the likelihood of idealizing the abuser or rationalizing their behavior.
• Emotional Processing: Techniques like mindfulness and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and rescripting with intention (as described in Bruised…not Broken) help individuals process suppressed emotions without judgment. By observing their thoughts and feelings, they can gradually detach emotionally from the abuser, decreasing the intensity of the trauma bond.
• Regulating the Nervous System: Practicing stress-reduction techniques such as deep breathing, exercise, and grounding exercises helps stabilize the nervous system, reducing the power and pull of the trauma bond. Over time, this decreases cortisol levels and retrains the brain to feel secure outside of the relationship.
• Building New Support Networks: Trauma bonds often isolate individuals from friends and family. Re-establishing connections with a supportive social circle and professional counsel helps fill the emotional void left by the narcissist, reducing the dependence on the toxic relationship.
• Therapeutic Techniques for Reconditioning: Methods such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or somatic experiencing therapy can help individuals work through trauma stored in the body and brain. These therapies reprocess traumatic memories, weakening the trauma bond and allowing new, healthier behavioral patterns to form and strengthen in the formation of identity (dignity, confidence, and self-esteem) on the path to reclaiming your authentic self.
Breaking a trauma bond is a gradual process that requires both psychological and physical healing. Addressing suppressed emotions and working through the body's conditioned responses is key to overcoming this attachment, ultimately empowering individuals to build a healthier relationship with themselves and others.
SV, 10/2021
