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Emily H. Sanders, LMFT

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United States
Newport Beach, CA
Emily H. Sanders, LMFT

Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples. Specialty areas include: Anxiety, Relationship Issues, Teen Therapy, and Leadership Health.

Fill out a contact form on my website to work with me. (CA residents only)
www.emilyhsanders.com Teen Therapy; Parent Coaching

11/21/2025

Emotional availability, part 3/5- Being emotionally available to others is what allows us to sustain an emotional connection and create intimacy in a relationship. Without an emotional connection it can be challenging to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Emotionally unavailable people have a difficult time staying engaged in relationships, and prefer to keep their distance, date casually, or keep their friendships at a surface level.

For those that desire a close emotional connection with their loved ones, attempting to connect with someone who is not available for connection is painful and frustrating.

The relationship/friendship may not progress- or even worse, the individual may pull away altogether, often without warning or reason.

We can not force someone to connect with us, regardless of how great our efforts are.

——

⚠️ I believe it’s important to be careful of using terms like “emotionally unavailable” as a bad word or weapon; people have their limitations for a reason. We have to be cautious of villainizing people.

Rather than trying to determine if someone is “good or bad,” try to focus on how the relationship is impacting you, and see if the person is trying to build the same kind of relationship you are.

If they aren’t, you are left with a hard decision: choose between settling on taking what they’re offering, or leaving to find what you’re looking for somewhere else.

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11/20/2025

Emotional availability, part 2/5- A few suggestions for those who have a tough time getting close to others or to themselves. (I’m sure you won’t be shocked to find that as a therapist I place a high priority on number 8.)

Knowing you are someone who struggles to be emotionally available to others is a huge first “step.” That awareness is a big deal; there are many for whom this doesn’t register as a personal issue, who don’t realize their own lack of availability. So if you’re frustrated with yourself, take a grain of hope from that!

Like darn near all things in life, emotional availability is not a black or white/yes or no thing, it’s a on spectrum. To what degree are we open? We need a few walls up to protect ourselves, but having massively thick walls that keep us from even getting in touch with ourselves is not ideal.

Again most unavailability is born out of some kind of necessity so don’t beat yourself up about it. There is always room for you to change.

Worth remembering: you can only change this in yourself. You can’t change this dynamic in others. In our relationships we CAN bid others to come closer to us, and be safe place for them to open up if/when they want to, and to offer comfort or grace when they are vulnerable. This is the gift relationship brings.

** Side note regarding #5: while this point emphasized verbal expression of feelings, finding an image, a color, sound or smell that represents what you’re feeling is also just fine. Sometimes words are limited, and words aren’t the only outlet for expression.**

If you’ve worked to get closer to yourself and others, what has helped you?

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11/19/2025

A few thoughts on how emotional avoidance can show up in our relationships and get in the way of being seen by those who love us.

It’s important to understand that many of these behaviors developed as a form of self protection (often developed when we were young to adapt to our family of origin, but can also develop later in life for various reasons.)

Vulnerability IS a risk, after all. Some of us have grown up being shamed, dismissed, or having our sensitivities used against us. We have a biological imperative to keep ourselves safe- of course in these circumstances vulnerability is going out the window! Why on earth would you continue to open up when it isn’t safe?

The only issue we run into, however, is that these coping skills we develop as children do not translate well into adult relationships. The things that one helped might be getting in the way.

Working on it can look like:
1. Creating the awareness that you have a tendency towards avoidance.
2. Becoming mindful of settings that make you want to pull away, shut down, or hide.
3. Pay attention to/observe your feelings from a place of neutrality- no judgement. What are you feeling? (Google a feelings chart to help out words to what you may be feeling, if needed.)
4. Gently push yourself to be 10-20% more open with people who seem to be safe- that can look like asking for someone’s input or help on a low-level need, saying you’re having a tough day without joking about it, or sharing a nice memory from your childhood.

(Reminder, safe people are those who:
- leave room for your feelings and experiences
- don’t judge, criticize or weaponize what you share
- are quick to celebrate you or be happy for you
- aren’t defensive or punishing
- make sure their words and actions line up)

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11/18/2025

It’s no surprise that respect is an important part of a healthy relationship. While all relationships have challenging seasons, it’s important to maintain respect throughout these times.

Disregarding your partner’s interests, belittling them, rolling your eyes when they’re speaking, or poking fun at things they’re self conscious about will erode safety over time.

It’s important to talk about respect with your partner early in your relationship, as often people have differing views on what this looks like for them.

Discuss with your partner:
• What respect means for each of you.
• What behaviors make you/them feel disrespected.
• Whether there are behaviors that are non-negotiable.
• What kind of repair efforts are appreciated if/when feelings are hurt.
• What behaviors clearly communicate respect.
• Discuss love languages (you can do a quick google search to explain if you don’t know what these are.)
• Revisit boundaries/needs/limitations.

Aim to do your best to treat your partner with dignity, even in heated moments.

(And yes, respect should be both given and received!)

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11/17/2025

Things you don’t need to apologize for.
What else should we add here?

✔️ Alternatives to “sorry”:
- Excuse me.
- Thank you for being patient.
- I appreciate your time.
- I appreciate your support.
- Thank you for listening.
- Thanks for waiting.
- You’ve been so helpful.
- I appreciate being given another chance.
- I understand now.

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11/16/2025

The question isn’t, “Am I going to mess up?” The question is, “How am I going to respond or repair WHEN I mess up?”

Mistakes happen.
Poor behavior happens in heated moments.
Conflicts can’t (and shouldn’t) always be avoided.

The way we show up to take responsibility for our behavior is crucial in building and maintaining trust. It’s extremely vulnerable to step up to own a mistake and make efforts to correct it, and requires courage and maturity.

——
A few thoughts:

•• Keep in mind how important guilt is. Guilt is such a helpful feeling! If you behave in a way that’s outside of your value system, guilt turns on like a little alarm bell to alert us that a correction needs to be made. Our guilt can prompt us to go make a repair so you can continue on; if handled properly our guilt can lead us towards our loved one. (Shame, on the other hand, is not helpful. Shame tells us we ARE bad, and leads us to withdraw.)

•• Take time to reflect on your behavior- especially when you made a regrettable decision.
- What were you feeling?
- Are you aware of what your trigger was?
- Were any old feelings (I.e. from childhood, past trauma, etc) resurfacing in that heated moment?
- What do you wish you had done or said instead?
- To what extent can you say or do that thing now?

** This language is just an example; take my words and put them into yours! You get the gist.

——

11/15/2025

Sometimes what used to work no longer works.
Sometimes we outgrow dynamics.
Sometimes we allow ourselves to matter.
Sometimes we need to protect ourselves.

Our relationships often need to evolve to accommodate change and to create a more satisfying connection. There are no set-it-and-forget-it relationships.

Setting boundaries and voicing your needs takes courage, but it’s worth-while work. Those who love you will do the uncomfy work of listening and adjusting. (Take note of those who consistently remain rigid and unkind in the face of your needs.)

11/14/2025

“No” isn’t a challenge to persuade you into a “yes,” however there are some people who do not take an initial “no” as the answer they’re going to settle for (hello, sales people.)

Sometimes you must say no more than once; while this may feel uncomfortable it is *really* important to do so.

Remember >>You teach people what they can expect from you, whether that’s through consistency or inconsistency.

When you gently but firmly maintain your no, over time (healthy-ish) people will learn to respect your word. If people in your life learn they can push and receive the answer they want, of course they’re going to push!

Also, do you know who will really respect you when you hold your boundaries? YOU!!

(Remember, tone and body language matter. While to some these statements may sound too harsh or too soft to you, your delivery can soften or toughen up your words as needed.)

What are you comfortable saying when you need to hold your ground?

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Book reccs:
• Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townshend
• The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab
• Boundary Boss by Terri Cole

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11/13/2025

Here are warning signs that saying YES could to lead to resentment.

Saying YES under these conditions will leave you feeling: frustrated, used, or anxious.

If you struggle with sharing your needs or limitations (aka boundaries) take these cautionary qualifiers as the moments in which you need to start pushing yourself to be more assertive.

• If giving a NO instantly is hard, practice giving yourself space to respond: “I am going to think about that; I’ll get back to you tonight.” (Then call a friend to hype you up for the NO!)

• Responding to guilt trips- Acknowledge the feeling + restate your boundary: “I know you’re sad I’m not coming home for the holiday, Mom, however, I am not able to make such a big trip right now.”

• If you don’t have the courage to practice your NO then simply observe. It’s ok, don’t make any changes. For now just be curious:

- How often *do* you say YES when you’d rather say NO?
- How do you feel afterwards?
- How is this affecting the relationship with the person you’re saying yes to?
- How do you feel about yourself?
- What do you tell yourself to make the situation feel ok? (i.e. “I don’t mind” “I didn’t want to do my thing anyway” “One day they’ll see how much I do for them.”)

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11/12/2025

It’s so important to learn to differentiate between mistakes and patterns, to differentiate sincere ownership from lack of accountability.

What an honor it is to extend patience and grace to someone who is sincerely trying to grow.

What a relief it is to part ways from someone who doesn’t want to meet you in a healthy space.

Ownership sounds like:
- “I made you feel like you didn’t matter when I didn’t include you in that decision; I am sorry. You are important to me.”
- “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was such a painful topic for you. You won’t hear me joke about that again.”
- “I got out of control there; you don’t deserve to be yelled at, I’m sorry. Do you need space or want to talk it out?”
- “I’ve never thought about it from your side; I can see why you got so angry. That’s fair. I’ll be more mindful of ___.”

Lack of accountability looks like:
- blame shifting
- deflecting
- shutting down so a conversation can’t be had
- double standards
- word and actions not lining up
- becoming critical or aggressive

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11/11/2025

“Now I know” as a statement of compassion towards yourself. Regret is a heavy load to carry, and you’d benefit to set it down- admittedly a challenge.

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. - Soren Kierkegaard

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11/10/2025

Sitting with your faith leader can be therapeutic, BUT it is not therapy.

Therapists are trained in matters of psychology, mental health, trauma care, and family systems; clergy are trained in matters of faith, spirituality, and religious doctrine.

When a mental health issue is seen through a spiritual lens, it is often treated as a sin or moral issue; the result is extremely detrimental, often bringing heavy guilt and shame (and even trauma) to an individual who is already suffering.

The best thing a faith leader can do for their congregation- besides attending their own personal therapy- is to know their limitations, and keep a healthy list of professional referrals on hand.

It is also unfair approach our clergy with expectations they were not trained to bear.

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Address

1601 Dove Street, Suite 212
Newport Beach, CA
92660

Opening Hours

Tuesday	9am - 6pm
Wednesday	2pm - 8pm
Thursday	10am - 2pm
Friday	9am - 7pm

Telephone

+17145892307

Website

http://www.emilyhsanders.com/

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