03/10/2026
6 Things To Avoid When Your Loved One Struggles With Addiction
Loving someone who struggles with addiction is an intense, painful, and confusing ordeal that can negatively impact physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. Many families will experience trauma and battle fatigue. Subsequently, they may not realize their health is deteriorating as they fall into rescuing, controlling, and enabling behaviors.
When families cope with addiction alone, life can feel bleak and hopeless. Families will throw themselves under the bus to help their sick loved one, only to experience another relapse or broken promise. It seems the more we do for them, the worse it gets. Families might wonder, Is there anything I can do to help? It's a good question, and you might be surprised at the answer. There IS something you can do. Although you can’t make your sick loved one well, you can significantly influence a favorable outcome by starting your healing journey.
Below are 6 things to avoid when someone you love struggles with addiction.
1) Asking the person struggling with addiction to change when you’re not prepared to do the same.
Addiction is a family illness. Before asking your loved one to get help, make sure you have support. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Family Anonymous, and counseling are just a few of the many support meetings available to families, all of which are vital for setting boundaries and maintaining good health. If you’re unwilling to seek help, your chances of making a difference in your loved one's life are slim. It’s like saying, ‘Do what I say, not what I do.’
2) Suppressing emotions and ignoring intuition.
Most families suspect a problem long before they confront it. Repressing your fears and worries makes them more prominent. When your emotions erupt, they do so with a bang. Then guilt ensues. And guilt promotes enabling. Family members often act out their feelings, resulting in remorseful behavior similar to that of the person they’re concerned about. So before confronting your sick loved one, make sure to take care of yourself first. By debriefing your feelings with your support group beforehand, you break toxic behavioral patterns.
3) Rescuing your addicted loved one.
Learn to hit the pause button. Ask yourself, Am I being manipulated? Do I jump in and defend them to my other family members? When your loved one struggles with addiction, the most caring thing you can do is let them feel the consequences of their actions. If you’re cleaning up their messes, their problems aren't real to them. People struggling with addiction don’t get well when they see the light. They get well when they feel the heat. Without consequences, there is no incentive to change.
4) Trying to control your addicted loved one.
You can’t manage your loved one. You'll attempt it repeatedly, but you'll only make yourself sick with frustration for trying. You can't love them well, either. There is no quick fix. Recovery from addiction, for everyone, is a process. Be prepared to learn as much about yourself as you hope they learn about themselves.
5) Keeping secrets, protecting, and making excuses for your addicted loved one.
Addiction is POWERFUL. Families can fracture, marriages can fail, physical health can deteriorate, and bankruptcy can and does occur. Open communication is essential. Refuse to keep secrets because addiction manipulates family systems, pitting members against each other. Families don't intentionally set out to aid in their loved one's demise. It's an act of survival as they experience the intense personal fallout of trying to help. Eventually, they turn on each other rather than confronting the person struggling with addiction. Unfortunately, they also learn to walk on eggshells, avoid conflict, blame each other, keep secrets, hold resentments, and exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors.
6) Not reaching out for help.
Families may feel ashamed and not want other family members to know their loved one struggles with addiction. Instead of conveying a collective family message: "We love you." Please get help — secrets are kept, and sides are chosen. However, division increases stigma, silence, and shame. Addiction is like a mushroom; it grows in the dark. Transparency is the key to change.
There is hope...
If you love someone struggling with addiction, reach out. Because if we, the people most affected by substance use disorder, won't carry the message of hope and recovery, who will? You can stop the shame and stigma by letting others know they're not alone and that help is available.
Don’t wait for the impaired thinker to change. Get up, get active, and lead the way. Recovery means living your best life regardless of what others are doing. Education, support, and boundaries are game-changers, as statistics show people struggling with addiction are most successful when their families are informed and engaged in their own healing process.
