Essential Parenting of Rhode Island

01/19/2022

"I often counsel parents who work hard at being respectful, sensitive, and gentle; so hard, in fact, that every interaction with their child has them walking on eggshells, tentative about their choices and directions, fearful that their child might “crack” and get upset or make them feel like mean, overly strict parents.

Worries about upsetting our kids can prevent us from seeing that their undesirable behavior is a question that needs to be answered clearly. And when children aren’t getting the answers they need, these questions become more insistent..."

Hi Janet, My 3.5 year old has suddenly starting hitting, throwing things, and biting my husband and me. Most of what I read seems to apply to toddlers and those with lack of language, but since my son is older and has very advanced language, neither of these apply. During the 2’s he was an … Con...

01/10/2022

As soon as we could safely do so, we started New Moms Groups at Bellani Maternity again in 2020. Why? Because now more than ever, new mamas need to build their village.

Yes, we wear masks. And yes, of course sometimes we talk about the unique challenges of starting your parenting journey during a global pandemic. But, we also make more space for all the regular stuff - feeding challenges, sleep, developmental milestones, and your own recovery.

A new group starts January 18th, reserve your spot here, we can't wait to meet you! https://www.bellanimaternity.com/new-moms-group-0-4-months-new-moms-group/

12/12/2021

This is lovely and so helpful for understanding how the efforts you put in when they are small help carry our kids through hard times later in life.

Also, it's never too late to star doing these 7 things!

Our second daughter started college last fall. She’s an old soul who’s always strummed to her own beat, so it wasn’t surprising that she’d found high school restrictive and uninspiring, both academically and socially. But, as we’d hoped, college has been a different story. She’s thriving...

11/22/2021

As we enter into holiday season - often a time of overwhelm and reduced capacity for many of us - this cycle is something to be aware of. When you see something for what it is, it's a lot easier to figure out how to change it ❤️

09/18/2021

Good news! Preliminary studies show that our babies aren't negatively affected by people wearing masks around them.

Parents may worry that babies surrounded by face masks will suffer in their development. Studies suggest there’s no cause for concern.

08/25/2021

❤️

The other day, I innocently suggested my youngest teen call her nine-year-old cousin and wish him a happy birthday.

Judging by the over-the-top reaction I received, I thought I misspoke.

Hmm… did I mistakenly ask her to walk across hot coals and sing ‘Happy birthday’ in Russian?

No… no… I didn’t. I distinctly remember saying, “Just a five-minute call… it would mean so much.”

My teen’s response consisted of a long list of reasons why she could not/did not want to do that. It was sharp, edgy, and actually stung a little… but yet, I was able to hear a wise voice inside me say:

‘This is not about the call. She’s either hungry, tired, or worried about something else… maybe all of the above.’

I then told myself to ‘drop the rope,’ knowing that if I continued to pull as she pulled, we’d both just end up getting hurt.

I silently unpacked the groceries as my daughter fixed herself a snack. I said nothing, not even squeezing in the classic parental last words: “We’ll see.”

Later that night, my nephew called to share the details of his special day.

“The birthday boy is on the phone!” I called out to my daughter who was in her bedroom, relaxing after eating dinner and doing homework.

“Hello!” she greeted him excitedly. “Happy birthday! How was your day?”

My nephew asked if they could switch to Facetime so he could show her his gifts.

“Sure!” she said, smiling. After marveling over his birthday haul, they proceeded to stay on the line for twenty more minutes, using silly animal filters called Animoji’s to make each other laugh.

As I laid beside her, my head resting on her arm, I thought: Is this the same kid that erupted a few hours ago?

And I came to this conclusion:

Yes, it’s the same kid… which is also the same kid who is navigating the beginning of high school in an unstable climate with increased mental health challenges while learning a new “normal” while developing her self-identity, managing peer relationships, and adapting to hormonal changes.

Whew.

And although it’s not a job I really wanted to sign up for, I can be:

An anchor
A connector
A boundary setter
A sound mind
A steady hand

While so much is unstable, in both in her external and internal world, I can be a Constant.

Sometimes that may mean being a Rope Dropper.

And by setting it down, I might just be able to pick it back up later and experience unexpected connection and resolution.

It’s not every day that you get to see a unicorn chat on the phone with a giraffe.

© Rachel Stafford 2021

If you’d like personal and relational tools to lift yourself and those you love during these difficult times, please join me for . This self-paced journey with hand-in-hand guidance from me can offer practical guidance and real encouragement to you right now. Instead of pushing ourselves through the hard days, let’s learn how to love ourselves through them.

Early-bird discount for Soul Shift ends tonight > https://my.handsfreemama.com

FYI - “Drop the rope” is a powerful analogy used in a school of psychotherapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

06/17/2021

I love this ♥️

In a very spur of the moment decision, I took my teenager to see people who love her (and me) unconditionally.

Getting to this supportive destination was not only needed, but it was also necessary.

Because of my current limitations with my booted foot, I knew getting there was not going to be easy. I was prepared for pain and challenge. What I wasn’t prepared for was that each step would be unexpectedly supported.

The very person that felt so out of reach these past trying months
gave me her arm
for support.

Through the long corridors
The tall escalators
The daunting ticketing lines
The tricky ins and outs,
My child never failed to offer me her arm to hold on to.

This person, with whom it’s been a rough ride,
Who’s forced me to assume a role I did not want
Who’s opened my eyes wider than I prefer
Who’s put gray in my hair
Who’s unsettled my sleep
Who’s got me second-guessing myself
And questioning everything I thought I knew
Gave me her arm
To lean on
Again
and
Again
and
Again

And I’m holding on to that.

I’m holding on to the belief that
Our bleakest moments can be turning points if we’re willing to be flexible.

I’m holding on to the belief that
Our inner fabric can strengthen and expand if we’re willing to be curious.

I’m holding on to the belief that
Our tears can bring closure to what we've lost if we’re willing to be honest.

I’m holding on to the belief that
Our brokenness can be rebuilt if we’re willing to use both hands.

I’m holding on to the belief that
Our child’s path to independence can be tumultuous and still end up ok if we’re willing to stay strong.

I’m holding on to the belief that
The most worthwhile destinations aren’t unreachable if we’re willing to stay the course despite the pain.

And if we’re lucky, we might just feel the unexpected presence of love holding us along the way.

I shall lean on that today.

© Rachel Macy Stafford 2021

05/18/2021

You aren't a bad parent, you are a human with feelings and sensitive spots of your own, and you can always learn and grow. ❤

Exactly this! Well said, Krissy's Couch💞

"The times you yelled or even hit. The times you joined them in a fit. The time you said something that you regret and then just hoped they would forget. The thing you keep saying sorry for but still can't fix. The thing that makes you feel like s**t. You did your best. You really try. You need more support, and here is why…..

You can recover this, turn it around. You aren't too far; you haven't lost ground. Learn your trauma, triggers, and tools. Reparent yourself; you are worth it too. I know it's easier said than done, but you can create safety even if your journey has just begun." - Kristen Coggins

05/08/2021

Weekend wisdom. 💗

Artist: Mellow Doodles

04/01/2021

It's April 1st tomorrow, so please remember this!

Yearly PSA ⬇️⬇️⬇️

People don't always share their struggles with fertility, but know that these feelings are usually very close to the surface for them. Plenty of less hurtful jokes out there to use!

01/28/2021

A lovely perspective on parenting during the adolescent years.

Earlier this morning, I was sitting in the dark in a McDonald’s parking lot, waiting in case my big kid needed me.

She was getting an early start at her job (which she can do “thanks” to Covid schooling), but she’d woken up not feeling great physically in that way that wasn’t Covid and might just be being a girl, but it was too early and she was too rushed to tell.

So I took her to work instead of her driving herself, dropped her off, and then relocated down the road—for her but not with her.
This is what parenting our big kids looks like sometimes. Dark cars in parking lots and cell phones at full volume and our hearts on hold, waiting for what we can do, if it turns out to be anything.

When our kids are small and are learning to walk or ride a bike or swim, we stay close, hands outstretched to catch them if they stumble or fall or sink.

So when learning to walk or ride a bike or swim turns to learning to be employees or drive or make their own way in the world, we shouldn’t be surprised that some things stay the same: our arms (or cell phones, maybe) are still outstretched, waiting to see if our teens or college kids or young adults need to be caught.

When they don’t (just then, anyway), we step back but stay ready.

Because we are not always with them, but we are always for them.

Guilty Chocoholic Mama - Elizabeth Spencer

01/15/2021

Grief has been the theme of the week. The combination of post holiday letdown with no meaningful changes to pandemic living conditions in sight is hitting people hard.

It's helpful to realize that any increased irritability or frustration you may be experiencing is potentially masking the grief you are feeling about lost time, lost experiences, and lack of connection as this wears on.

Allow yourself some time to grieve, and then try to focus on the things that are within your control to try to reclaim some of what you are missing, in the ways that are currently possible. ❤️