Live Now

04/22/2026

HARD EMOTIONS - Today is my 53rd anniversary, if only Lewis was still alive. So instead of celebrating the day, I am mourning the 3rd anniversary that I have spent without him. Needless to say, I am absolutely not celebrating this occasion! I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that he is really gone! I still feel as if one day I will turn a corner and he will be coming towards me. I do not know if it is wishful thinking or a coping mechanism that my mind has set into place in order to help me survive. Whichever it is, it does help until I realize that it is just not true. I think of Lewis daily, if not hourly. He is never far from my thoughts.
It is strange that since getting the news that my cancer came back, even with the good news of my cancer mutating into a Braci gene, I have been weepy. This I must state is not me. It is not my MO. That is not to say that I do not cry when there is death in the family, or there is a traumatic situation that is overwhelming, then I cry openly. But in other manageable situations I do not cry in front of people. I have not since I was about five years of age. It all started when I refused to cry in front of my father. I would not give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I would not give him the pleasure knowing that he had hurt me. And if I did cry I actually learned to cry silently, so no one would know. For this reason, I very infrequently, even when alone, cry. If you know me and spent time with me, I am sure you have seen me start to cry, tears fill my eyes, my mouth goes still, but then I pull myself together and stop myself from crying. So to find myself all of sudden on a daily basis crying is quite unusual. I believe my crying is due to my most recent prognosis; it really hit me hard. I am just getting so tired of this merry-go-round I am on. I am tired of fighting and worrying. I am not feeling sorry for myself. And I am not crying about my cancer, it is just the day to day remembrance of Lewis, or the small aggravating issues that arise, I seem to just break into tears. Something opened the flood gates to my emotions. And without Lewis here with me to go through this once again it really sucks!!! He is the one person who would take care of me and who would help me make the hard decisions. He was my love and support!!
I just took another DNA test this week and I will be seeing my oncologist next week. Then the following week I get a Pet Scan, then an MRI. These tests will determine if I stay on the new estrogen pill I am taking or if I go on a new set of pills that target the mutated Braci gene. At least I have a new pill to take, without the mutation I was out of medications available to me. So, I am relieved!!!
My house in Costa Rica is moving forward. By next week it will have all the walls up! It is looking phenomenal. I have a lot to do before it is finished, but I take one day at a time to accomplish what is needed. I cannot wait for the house to be done!!! I believe Costa Rica will be good for me. I will be able to rest and find tranquility there. And if this crying jag continues, at least it rains every day so no one will know that I have been crying. Life is fundamentally good, and I will persevere. I know one of these days I will run out of tears and my soul will be cleansed. I will look up and see the monkeys, the birds, the butterflies and all the beauty the world has to offer and I will once again smile!!! Find something to smile about even in the roughest moments. Look for the beauty in the world and enjoy every breath that you can take!!!
Life is not merely surviving!!!

03/28/2026

Reprieve - I went to the oncologist last week to take another blood test to make sure that the new pill that I am now taking, Inlurlyo, is not doing damage to my blood count and my liver. So, I arrived at my Oncologist office with a list of questions regarding new therapies that I found available while I was doing research. I have been doing my homework to find alternative treatments. I asked about: Ivermectin, Keytruda and stem cell treatments. My doctor answered all my questions and then stated that she sent my blood from the last time I saw her to another DNA lab. I surmise that she did not like the limited choices that she had to give me for my treatment; the pill which she does not have confidence in in its effectiveness or the Enhurtu infusion, which I refused to submit myself to. The new lab test showed that my cancer has mutated. This was surprising, because I have been having DNA testing all along which showed no mutations. What is even more surprising is that it showed my cancer to be mutating into a Bracki (BRCA1 or BRCA2), cancer cell. I have had two Bracki tests in the past, once in 2002 and then again in 2020 to make sure I am not a carrier and they both came out negative.
My doctor was thrilled that the findings showed the mutation. You may ask yourself, why is this so important? Well, it is very important to me, because it now opens up a new class of drugs that I can take for my cancer. The pills have been around for a while, and they are effective in targeting this mutated cancer gene. And more importantly they are different from any other medication I have taken in the past. So, the chances of them working are even greater. And it is administered in a pill form, which facilitates my ability to continue to travel.
I refused to take the infusion and because of that I believe my doctor was more inclined to do further research and try to pursue information that would lead to an alternative treatment. Had I gone forward with the infusion, my doctor may have looked no further and even if she had found that my cancer was mutating into the Backi gene,I do not believe that my treatment would have been changed once I started the infusion.
I have been reprieved!!!!! I actually did feel as if I was on death row! It took me a few days to finally pull myself together and realize that I am not ready to die and I must keep on living. So, I bought a ticket and here I am once again in Costa Rica building my home. Today the cement was poured for the foundation of the house and by the end of the week the walls will be up! The monkeys were in my trees watching the concrete being poured, it made me smile and made my day!!
So, like I always say, ask questions, make your own decisions and do not look at medical protocols as the words of God!!! You are an individual and force your doctor to see you that way!! And while you are doing that, enjoy your life, find happiness and love deeply!!! Smile, laugh and enjoy the ride!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!!

03/16/2026

03/16/2026

WHY? - I know what you are expecting: Why is this happening to me???? But no, that question was asked way back when I first got cancer in 2002 and it was asked by my mother. My response to her at the time and even now it would be the same answer to the question: why not me???? It is a non-exclusive club that is made up of too many people and one that has no criteria for joining other than the necessity to have a breast. So no, that is not the question. The question that I get from many people about my blog is; Why are you writing your blog, being that it is so personal? Well, I thought long and hard before I started to write it and I realized that it could actually be beneficial for some people. I have seen on too many occasions a person get so wrapped up in the diagnosis of Cancer that they lose sight of anything other than trying to deal with arresting the progression and/or curing the disease. They forget that they have a life to live separate from the disease and the treatment. They lose sight of what is important in their day to day living. I try to use my blog to remind them of what is significant about life even if you have cancer.

Now, I am not saying that I am solely altruistic in writing my blog. To me writing is cathartic. I put down how I feel and all the facts surrounding what is going on and it allows me to get it out of my system. Writing has always been that way for me. On a daily basis I write in my head, what I think, what I would or should have said, conversations with others working out my differences and even what I will write in my blog prior to putting it down on paper. It works for me. It is amazing how once you put it all down in a coherent format and you can look at it all, then the hurt, the fear, the questions, and even the significance of the diagnosis seems to dissipate to some extent.

Like I have said on so many occasions, life is worth living! And no one should waste even a day!!! But for me, the question is; what kind of life? I personally do not believe in prolonging my life just to exist. I will give up days, months and even years, if the life that I live is going to be one in pain, anguish and consist only of treatment after treatment. I will weigh the treatment and the effect on my life to determine what I will consent to in regards to the doctors suggestions. Remember and most do not, that it is your life, and your body. It is for you to decide if you will take the doctors recommendations and go through with the suggested treatments. It is your decision and yours alone. And if you have a doctor that will not allow you to decide or question his recommendations. Then look for a new doctor immediately. They are not gods, just mortal men and women who have been trained in a limited scope of medicine. I will say, if you find a good doctor, they do know what they are talking about, but you must ask questions and push them to make sure that they see you as a person and not merely a statistic.

Open your eyes and see the beauty in the world!! Look for that which makes you happy and content. Do not waste a moment, because nobody knows when it will be their last day. So many variables play in the equation that it is just a calculated guess. Find love, express it every time you can and smile, laugh, and savor your moments. then look cancer in the eye and say you will beat it!! And believe it wholly in your heart and mind!!! Then you will have a fighting chance.

Life is not merely surviving!!!!! https://livenow.travel/why/

03/11/2026

PUSHED OFF A CLIFF - So I was sitting on top of the world in my last few blogs. I was cancer free for over a year. I reached the ripe old age of 70. An age achieved that at times I did not think I would make. I am building a house in Costa Rica. And all in all I was doing pretty good. I missed Lewis, but I got up every morning relatively happy. But then, I had a bi-yearly MRI and I was pushed into a deep and dark void. The MRI showed that my cancer has come back. It is located in my liver.

My Oncologist was not optimistic. And I understand, there are just so many drugs out there on the market and I have run the gambit. She said she would like to put me on an intravenous drug administered every three weeks. This drug, she said was not chemo. she proceeded to say that it does not cause you to lose your hair. And you are not as nauseous as when taking chemo. It is supposedly not as toxic. I said no thank you. I will not submit to it. If you have to compare when you are trying to sell the drug that it is not like chemo, then you have to assume that it is vile stuff. She then told me of a new drug that is manufactured by the same drug maker that makes Verzinio, which I am currently taking and it works in conjunction with it. It has just been approved and it is in essence a new estrogen blocker. She does not think it will work, because I have been on estrogen blockers now for over five years. And this one is not so different from the ones I have been taking. So I asked two questions: Can you guarantee me that the infusion will work? The answer was a resounding no, no one can guarantee that. My next question: Can you guarantee that the pill will not work. Another resounding no, there are no guarantees in medicine. So, I said, then why should I change my life style and submit myself to something that is just as unlikely to work as the pills. I at that moment made the decision that I will take the pills and take my chances.

I also stated; that if I ever do submit to the infusion, because the pills do not work. I will have the infusion not every three weeks, but every four weeks or more, so that my life is something other than just going to a doctors office. I plan to spend most of my time in Costa Rica and travel. The three week protocol is one that is an average of all the good results during the trials, and as I explained to the doctor, I am not an average, some in the trial needed it every three weeks, some every four weeks and who knows, some maybe even six or seven weeks. So again to have a life worth living, I will take my chances.

I asked the doctor if I could once again get an ablation of my liver. The radiation that removed the cancer last time. My doctor pointed out that I have at the moment too many tumors in my liver. I will have to get them under control before the procedure would even be considered. Also, it is first necessary to find out if the cancer has spread to any other parts of my body. If it has, I am s**t out of luck. But if not, then I have a fighting chance. So, I need a Pet scan. I scheduled one to be had when I return from Costa rica.

I then went to see my Radiologist, located in the same building on the same day. She was more optimistic. She deals with livers and other organs. Her bag of tricks are not limited to drugs. She indicated that yes, I do need a Pet scan. And in order to even be a candidate for an ablation, we will have to wait to see if the new pill curtails the growth and diminishes the amount of tumors in my liver. A tall order. She also stated that there was a procedure that uses radio active isotopes that can be injected into my liver which only kills the cancer cells and leaves the rest of the liver intact. So, I do have choices and I do have hope.

I was going to write this Blog right after getting the devastating news, but a dear and intuitive friend of mine said don't. "You do not need to be subjected to the heart felt reactions to the news, i.e.. pity. And she was right. I am now writing to let everyone know, because after returning from Costa Rica to buy my floor tiles for the new house, yes I went, I had my Pet scan. The report from my Pet scan indicates that there is no new growth of cancer other than in my liver. Yipee!!!!!!

So now I have a fight on my hands once again! I was so hoping that the cancer would not return for a very long time. But at least I had a year!!! I once again will start looking around for what else I can do to try to get the cancer out of my liver. But life is a crap shoot. No guarantees. So, I will continue to live my life, look for happiness, build my house in Costa Rica, and travel. I will find reasons to smile, I will laugh and I will love deeply. I will make the most of the time I have!!! What makes it all so much worse is doing it alone, without Lewis. But he would want me to fight, to live and be happy; I will do him right!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!

02/16/2026

A Milestone -
My son and his fiancé came to Miami to celebrate the occasion with me. It was truly a fun time!! We ate, drank and ran all over town. We went to the Everglades, South Beach, Joes, Miami Zoo, Lincoln Road, SW 8th Street and even Fort Lauderdale all in five days. We did not stop from the moment they arrived until they got back on the plane to go home. It was wonderful!!

But, there was something missing; my Lewis. I felt lonely at times during the celebratory activities I know I had family and friends with me, but still it is not the same. It is not the same if you do not have that someone with you to hold your hand, to give you a hug and a kiss by the person who was always there by your side. It is not the same when your best friend is missing from the party. It is just not the same when his smile is not there that brightens up your whole world. His presence always made me feel whole. His love for me warmed my heart and made me feel important. Losing a person who you love is not easy and it does not seem to get any easier. The only thing that does occur is the intensity of the loss diminishes some and the pain dulls. But there are times that it comes hurtling back and smacks you right between the eyes. A milestone will do it. But, I must say that life itself has been good to me, I have family that loves me and and friends who truly care. So I cannot really complain.

Next week I go for an MRI to check to see what is going on with my liver and iliac bone. It will determine if I am still cancer free. An important test and one that I now get at least every six months. I am not worried. But it still brings to the forefront the realization that yes, I am a victim of Stage 4 cancer.

Even though I just turned 70 and I have Stage 4 cancer and I lost my husband, lover, best friend and sole mate, I am still building a house in Costa Rica. I may only have five, ten, fifteen years to enjoy the house, but what ever time I actually get to enjoy it, it will be mine and it will bring me happiness. I am alive, I am going to live and I am going to find solace, comfort, joy and happiness as if I were still in my early years of life. Costa Rica seems to do that for me, so I am building. The well is in, the electricity is there and hopefully this week I will have the foundation laid.

Find happiness where ever it brings you! Smile whenever and where ever you can. Do things that you never tried before, go where you have never been and talk to everyone that interests you!! Be happy, don't allow a few hardships stop you!! Because it is you who determines the effect it has on you. Decide to live and enjoy life. Love deeply, laugh often and enjoy the time you have!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!

https://livenow.travel/a-milestone/

02/16/2026

So I turned 70 last week. Hard to believe that I am now more than three fourths into my life. I am not one of those people who want to live to a hundred. I do not know what age I want to live to, but all I do know is that I do not want to become feeble or not be able to take care of myself, or do all the things I want to do. I especially do not want to suffer from dementia. So, I plan not to live beyond the time that I am no longer enjoying my life or not knowing who I am. I also consider making it to 70 a milestone, because at times I did not think that I would make it to this ripe old age. So it is kind of a big deal.

My son and his fiancé came to Miami to celebrate the occasion with me. It was truly a fun time!! We ate, drank and ran all over town. We went to the Everglades, South Beach, Joes, Miami Zoo, Lincoln Road, SW 8th Street and even Fort Lauderdale all in five days. We did not stop from the moment they arrived until they got back on the plane to go home. It was wonderful!!

But, there was something missing; my Lewis. I felt lonely at times during the celebratory activities I know I had family and friends with me, but still it is not the same. It is not the same if you do not have that someone with you to hold your hand, to give you a hug and a kiss by the person who was always there by your side. It is not the same when your best friend is missing from the party. It is just not the same when his smile is not there that brightens up your whole world. His presence always made me feel whole. His love for me warmed my heart and made me feel important. Losing a person who you love is not easy and it does not seem to get any easier. The only thing that does occur is the intensity of the loss diminishes some and the pain dulls. But there are times that it comes hurtling back and smacks you right between the eyes. A milestone will do it. But, I must say that life itself has been good to me, I have family that loves me and and friends who truly care. So I cannot really complain.

Next week I go for an MRI to check to see what is going on with my liver and iliac bone. It will determine if I am still cancer free. An important test and one that I now get at least every six months. I am not worried. But it still brings to the forefront the realization that yes, I am a victim of Stage 4 cancer.

Even though I just turned 70 and I have Stage 4 cancer and I lost my husband, lover, best friend and sole mate, I am still building a house in Costa Rica. I may only have five, ten, fifteen years to enjoy the house, but what ever time I actually get to enjoy it, it will be mine and it will bring me happiness. I am alive, I am going to live and I am going to find solace, comfort, joy and happiness as if I were still in my early years of life. Costa Rica seems to do that for me, so I am building. The well is in, the electricity is there and hopefully this week I will have the foundation laid.

Find happiness where ever it brings you! Smile whenever and where ever you can. Do things that you never tried before, go where you have never been and talk to everyone that interests you!! Be happy, don't allow a few hardships stop you!! Because it is you who determines the effect it has on you. Decide to live and enjoy life. Love deeply, laugh often and enjoy the time you have!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!

01/12/2026

THE CONTRACT - I finally signed the building contract for my new home in Costa Rica. I am going forward with the project!! I will have a home here. A place that I can call my own and a place that I hopefully will fully enjoy.

My initial hesitation was twofold; first it was the money, how can I justify spending so much and the hardest part for me was wrapping my head around the fact that it was me, myself, alone, making such a big decision without Lewis by my side. We were together for over fifty years and he was my confidant, he was my sounding board, and we never made such decisions independently. And my whole life in a sense will be changed. I will be somewhere, doing something that Lewis was not even remotely a part of. Yes, we did travel to Costa Rica for over thirty years and yes, he loved Costa Rica, but still this is something we just talked about, and the last time we were here we had decided to just come back more frequently as tourists.
Another disquieting question that comes into my mind, every so often, while making this decision and I am sure it will not subside anytime soon is, am I crazy to do this? I have Stage 4 Cancer and I will be 70 years old in a few weeks, will I live to see the house finished? Will I have ample time to enjoy it when it is done? All these questions and thoughts rattle around in my brain, is quite disconcerting.

Some of you will question my statement that I have Stage 4 Cancer. I understand the question, because I have been cancer free for a year and a half. I am told that it is still considered Stage 4. I think it is because my cancer spread initially into areas that are inoperable, and it can spread there again. I am being checked for cancer via a Petscan, every six months since the cancer was removed from my iliac bone and liver, before then, it used to be every three months. The duration between scans depends on the 3D images and the radiology report. I know that when I am anticipating the next Petscan. I will ask over and over again in my head, am I crazy, am I crazy, am I crazy!!!!. But then I think that no one is guaranteed to be alive for any length of time. I could die of cancer or I could be hit by a bus. Who knows? I can live one more day or I can be fortunate or unfortunate enough, to live to a hundred years old. There is no saying.

So, I just have to assume that I will live, and therefore, I must keep on moving forward. Life is that way! No guarantees and the duration of one’s life is really a crap shoot!! Those that are sick, live and those that are healthy, die!!. So, live your life as if you will live to a hundred and three!!. Do that which will make you happy!. Find a project, smile every day, have something to look forward to and don’t give up!!!. Push forward, whether your despair is due to health or the loss of a loved one, it is up to you if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!

I finally signed the building contract for my new home in Costa Rica. I am going forward with the project!! I will have a home here. A place that I can call my own and a place that I hopefully will fully enjoy. My initial hesitation was twofold; first it was the money, how can+ Read More

12/04/2025

NEW YORK - Got back from New York a couple of days before Thanksgiving. Lucky that I did, because I needed the time to cook. Oh my, I forgot how much time and effort it took to cook such an extensive meal; brisket, turkey, potatoes, chestnut stuffing, candied sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, cranberry sauce and corn bread. I really have not cooked since Lewis and I started to travel and that was about five years ago. When we were in different parts of the world we never cooked. We may have made coffee in the morning, but that was about it. When we were in Miami we never really cooked, because we were only here for a couple of weeks at most. Then when Lewis died, I did not feel like cooking for just myself. I found it to be very lonely and no longer fun.

I made Thanksgiving for 7 people, I made enough food for 15 people and enjoyed the process. But it was more difficult than I thought or remembered it to be. I guess Lewis was much more help then I had ever given him credit for. He loved to cook as well, but Thanksgiving was my baby. Everybody seemed really pleased with the meal, so what more could I ask for. To have a Thanksgiving dinner without Lewis was bitter sweet. It brought up such memories that were wonderful, a past that I treasure, but I missed him so much it caused such indescribable pain.

Now to New York. It was a whirlwind trip, did not stop for a moment. Went to a Monet exhibit in the Brooklyn Museum, went to a Jazz club, went to a Blues club that was fabulous, the singer and lead guitarist was 80 years of age if not older who used to play with Muddy Waters, went to see a Broadway show, Beatlejuice, which I do not recommend, went to many great restaurants, went to SoHo, went shopping for food for a dinner my son and his fiancé made, went to the Village, went to China Town, met my friend for lunch uptown, met my future in-laws for Dim Sum and I know I must have missed something, these activities accomplished in less than six days was a lot of running around!! I had a great time and although I do love New York, I could not live there due to its pace, but it is a great place to visit!!

Where I can live is in Costa Rica. If it has a pace at all it would be described as slow and perhaps sleepy. But that is okay with me. I can go to all these fast paced, interesting, over indulging locations and then come back to a place where I can breath. So, I am moving forward with the contract to build not a house, but a home. Some place that I will feel comfortable and where I will want to spend a good deal of time. I will still travel, but Costa Rica will be my respite from the insanity of the world. And oh, is there plenty of that!!! But that is a different conversation to be had one of these days!!!

I am about to sign a Contract for the construction of the house and I was up all night thinking about what am I doing. Am I crazy? I am about to be 70 years of age and I am building a house in a foreign country, alone. And on top of it all, I have Stage 4 Cancer, (even though I am cancer free at the moment, it is still considered Stage 4), and who knows how long I will live. I must be crazy!! But I am going to do it anyway. Why not? You only live once no matter how long or short it may be!! And there are no guarantees for anyone. My healthy husband died without warning and I am still here, that should prove that there are no guarantees or justice!!

I believe I was up all night worrying about what I am doing, because of the fact that I am now making all the decisions on my own. When Lewis was around we made all the major decisions together, we talked about it, we gave our pros and cons and we, right or wrong, came to a conclusion. Now it is all on me. And it is a big decision. One not to be made lightly. But after all my consternation and hours of thinking through the what ifs, the alternatives and what I want and how I picture the rest of my life to be, it turns out that I feel I am doing just what Lewis would have decided for "me" to do. I do so wish that the "me" was a "we"!!!!

I look at my life and I must say with all my travails, I am damn lucky. Most people would not feel that way, but I do. I had 50 wonderful years with my husband. I loved him and in return I was loved deeply. He is now gone, but I have wonderful memories!!! I had cancer when my children were young, but I survived and had a normal and happy life with them. I did not take chemo and had 16 great years. I got cancer for a second time and once again I survived. I got Cancer for the third time and it was Stage 4. But since being diagnosed, I have survived for four years with only taking prescription medication. When the prescription medication stopped working and there were no other treatments to be had, I was told that I need to follow protocol and start to take the chemotherapy pill, Xeloda. This pill cannot be taken for a long period of time, because it is toxic and once you have to get off of it, then intravenous Chemotherapy is the only treatment available. I refused. And due to my refusal and my doctor having nothing else to prescribe, I was offered 16 months ago, radiation treatment to remove the cancer out of my Iliac bone and Liver where the cancer had spread. I was offered this, due to my refusal and because for some reason the cancer in my lungs and my chest wall, which cannot be radiated or surgically removed had disappeared. Since the radiation, I do not have any traces of cancer in my body. Am I not one of the luckiest people you have ever met? It is all in one's perspective!!!!

Go out and live your life to the fullest and fight every impediment that comes your way and tell yourself and anyone that will listen that you are not ready to be taken down!!! Ask questions and do not be afraid to make your own decisions!!! Doctors are just human and they are making educated guesses. Sometimes they can make the wrong choice, it is up to you to decide. But most of all enjoy your life, even if it is limited, smile often, laugh and love, do love greatly!!! Love your spouse, significant other, your family, your friends and tell them so. But most of all love yourself!! Let no one make you feel unworthy of love or belittle you. Stand up for your right to have a fulfilling life!! And a life worth living!!!! And then, go out and LIVE!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!! https://livenow.travel/new-york/