Live Now

03/11/2026

PUSHED OFF A CLIFF - So I was sitting on top of the world in my last few blogs. I was cancer free for over a year. I reached the ripe old age of 70. An age achieved that at times I did not think I would make. I am building a house in Costa Rica. And all in all I was doing pretty good. I missed Lewis, but I got up every morning relatively happy. But then, I had a bi-yearly MRI and I was pushed into a deep and dark void. The MRI showed that my cancer has come back. It is located in my liver.

My Oncologist was not optimistic. And I understand, there are just so many drugs out there on the market and I have run the gambit. She said she would like to put me on an intravenous drug administered every three weeks. This drug, she said was not chemo. she proceeded to say that it does not cause you to lose your hair. And you are not as nauseous as when taking chemo. It is supposedly not as toxic. I said no thank you. I will not submit to it. If you have to compare when you are trying to sell the drug that it is not like chemo, then you have to assume that it is vile stuff. She then told me of a new drug that is manufactured by the same drug maker that makes Verzinio, which I am currently taking and it works in conjunction with it. It has just been approved and it is in essence a new estrogen blocker. She does not think it will work, because I have been on estrogen blockers now for over five years. And this one is not so different from the ones I have been taking. So I asked two questions: Can you guarantee me that the infusion will work? The answer was a resounding no, no one can guarantee that. My next question: Can you guarantee that the pill will not work. Another resounding no, there are no guarantees in medicine. So, I said, then why should I change my life style and submit myself to something that is just as unlikely to work as the pills. I at that moment made the decision that I will take the pills and take my chances.

I also stated; that if I ever do submit to the infusion, because the pills do not work. I will have the infusion not every three weeks, but every four weeks or more, so that my life is something other than just going to a doctors office. I plan to spend most of my time in Costa Rica and travel. The three week protocol is one that is an average of all the good results during the trials, and as I explained to the doctor, I am not an average, some in the trial needed it every three weeks, some every four weeks and who knows, some maybe even six or seven weeks. So again to have a life worth living, I will take my chances.

I asked the doctor if I could once again get an ablation of my liver. The radiation that removed the cancer last time. My doctor pointed out that I have at the moment too many tumors in my liver. I will have to get them under control before the procedure would even be considered. Also, it is first necessary to find out if the cancer has spread to any other parts of my body. If it has, I am s**t out of luck. But if not, then I have a fighting chance. So, I need a Pet scan. I scheduled one to be had when I return from Costa rica.

I then went to see my Radiologist, located in the same building on the same day. She was more optimistic. She deals with livers and other organs. Her bag of tricks are not limited to drugs. She indicated that yes, I do need a Pet scan. And in order to even be a candidate for an ablation, we will have to wait to see if the new pill curtails the growth and diminishes the amount of tumors in my liver. A tall order. She also stated that there was a procedure that uses radio active isotopes that can be injected into my liver which only kills the cancer cells and leaves the rest of the liver intact. So, I do have choices and I do have hope.

I was going to write this Blog right after getting the devastating news, but a dear and intuitive friend of mine said don't. "You do not need to be subjected to the heart felt reactions to the news, i.e.. pity. And she was right. I am now writing to let everyone know, because after returning from Costa Rica to buy my floor tiles for the new house, yes I went, I had my Pet scan. The report from my Pet scan indicates that there is no new growth of cancer other than in my liver. Yipee!!!!!!

So now I have a fight on my hands once again! I was so hoping that the cancer would not return for a very long time. But at least I had a year!!! I once again will start looking around for what else I can do to try to get the cancer out of my liver. But life is a crap shoot. No guarantees. So, I will continue to live my life, look for happiness, build my house in Costa Rica, and travel. I will find reasons to smile, I will laugh and I will love deeply. I will make the most of the time I have!!! What makes it all so much worse is doing it alone, without Lewis. But he would want me to fight, to live and be happy; I will do him right!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!

02/16/2026

A Milestone -
My son and his fiancé came to Miami to celebrate the occasion with me. It was truly a fun time!! We ate, drank and ran all over town. We went to the Everglades, South Beach, Joes, Miami Zoo, Lincoln Road, SW 8th Street and even Fort Lauderdale all in five days. We did not stop from the moment they arrived until they got back on the plane to go home. It was wonderful!!

But, there was something missing; my Lewis. I felt lonely at times during the celebratory activities I know I had family and friends with me, but still it is not the same. It is not the same if you do not have that someone with you to hold your hand, to give you a hug and a kiss by the person who was always there by your side. It is not the same when your best friend is missing from the party. It is just not the same when his smile is not there that brightens up your whole world. His presence always made me feel whole. His love for me warmed my heart and made me feel important. Losing a person who you love is not easy and it does not seem to get any easier. The only thing that does occur is the intensity of the loss diminishes some and the pain dulls. But there are times that it comes hurtling back and smacks you right between the eyes. A milestone will do it. But, I must say that life itself has been good to me, I have family that loves me and and friends who truly care. So I cannot really complain.

Next week I go for an MRI to check to see what is going on with my liver and iliac bone. It will determine if I am still cancer free. An important test and one that I now get at least every six months. I am not worried. But it still brings to the forefront the realization that yes, I am a victim of Stage 4 cancer.

Even though I just turned 70 and I have Stage 4 cancer and I lost my husband, lover, best friend and sole mate, I am still building a house in Costa Rica. I may only have five, ten, fifteen years to enjoy the house, but what ever time I actually get to enjoy it, it will be mine and it will bring me happiness. I am alive, I am going to live and I am going to find solace, comfort, joy and happiness as if I were still in my early years of life. Costa Rica seems to do that for me, so I am building. The well is in, the electricity is there and hopefully this week I will have the foundation laid.

Find happiness where ever it brings you! Smile whenever and where ever you can. Do things that you never tried before, go where you have never been and talk to everyone that interests you!! Be happy, don't allow a few hardships stop you!! Because it is you who determines the effect it has on you. Decide to live and enjoy life. Love deeply, laugh often and enjoy the time you have!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!

https://livenow.travel/a-milestone/

02/16/2026

So I turned 70 last week. Hard to believe that I am now more than three fourths into my life. I am not one of those people who want to live to a hundred. I do not know what age I want to live to, but all I do know is that I do not want to become feeble or not be able to take care of myself, or do all the things I want to do. I especially do not want to suffer from dementia. So, I plan not to live beyond the time that I am no longer enjoying my life or not knowing who I am. I also consider making it to 70 a milestone, because at times I did not think that I would make it to this ripe old age. So it is kind of a big deal.

My son and his fiancé came to Miami to celebrate the occasion with me. It was truly a fun time!! We ate, drank and ran all over town. We went to the Everglades, South Beach, Joes, Miami Zoo, Lincoln Road, SW 8th Street and even Fort Lauderdale all in five days. We did not stop from the moment they arrived until they got back on the plane to go home. It was wonderful!!

But, there was something missing; my Lewis. I felt lonely at times during the celebratory activities I know I had family and friends with me, but still it is not the same. It is not the same if you do not have that someone with you to hold your hand, to give you a hug and a kiss by the person who was always there by your side. It is not the same when your best friend is missing from the party. It is just not the same when his smile is not there that brightens up your whole world. His presence always made me feel whole. His love for me warmed my heart and made me feel important. Losing a person who you love is not easy and it does not seem to get any easier. The only thing that does occur is the intensity of the loss diminishes some and the pain dulls. But there are times that it comes hurtling back and smacks you right between the eyes. A milestone will do it. But, I must say that life itself has been good to me, I have family that loves me and and friends who truly care. So I cannot really complain.

Next week I go for an MRI to check to see what is going on with my liver and iliac bone. It will determine if I am still cancer free. An important test and one that I now get at least every six months. I am not worried. But it still brings to the forefront the realization that yes, I am a victim of Stage 4 cancer.

Even though I just turned 70 and I have Stage 4 cancer and I lost my husband, lover, best friend and sole mate, I am still building a house in Costa Rica. I may only have five, ten, fifteen years to enjoy the house, but what ever time I actually get to enjoy it, it will be mine and it will bring me happiness. I am alive, I am going to live and I am going to find solace, comfort, joy and happiness as if I were still in my early years of life. Costa Rica seems to do that for me, so I am building. The well is in, the electricity is there and hopefully this week I will have the foundation laid.

Find happiness where ever it brings you! Smile whenever and where ever you can. Do things that you never tried before, go where you have never been and talk to everyone that interests you!! Be happy, don't allow a few hardships stop you!! Because it is you who determines the effect it has on you. Decide to live and enjoy life. Love deeply, laugh often and enjoy the time you have!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!

01/12/2026

THE CONTRACT - I finally signed the building contract for my new home in Costa Rica. I am going forward with the project!! I will have a home here. A place that I can call my own and a place that I hopefully will fully enjoy.

My initial hesitation was twofold; first it was the money, how can I justify spending so much and the hardest part for me was wrapping my head around the fact that it was me, myself, alone, making such a big decision without Lewis by my side. We were together for over fifty years and he was my confidant, he was my sounding board, and we never made such decisions independently. And my whole life in a sense will be changed. I will be somewhere, doing something that Lewis was not even remotely a part of. Yes, we did travel to Costa Rica for over thirty years and yes, he loved Costa Rica, but still this is something we just talked about, and the last time we were here we had decided to just come back more frequently as tourists.
Another disquieting question that comes into my mind, every so often, while making this decision and I am sure it will not subside anytime soon is, am I crazy to do this? I have Stage 4 Cancer and I will be 70 years old in a few weeks, will I live to see the house finished? Will I have ample time to enjoy it when it is done? All these questions and thoughts rattle around in my brain, is quite disconcerting.

Some of you will question my statement that I have Stage 4 Cancer. I understand the question, because I have been cancer free for a year and a half. I am told that it is still considered Stage 4. I think it is because my cancer spread initially into areas that are inoperable, and it can spread there again. I am being checked for cancer via a Petscan, every six months since the cancer was removed from my iliac bone and liver, before then, it used to be every three months. The duration between scans depends on the 3D images and the radiology report. I know that when I am anticipating the next Petscan. I will ask over and over again in my head, am I crazy, am I crazy, am I crazy!!!!. But then I think that no one is guaranteed to be alive for any length of time. I could die of cancer or I could be hit by a bus. Who knows? I can live one more day or I can be fortunate or unfortunate enough, to live to a hundred years old. There is no saying.

So, I just have to assume that I will live, and therefore, I must keep on moving forward. Life is that way! No guarantees and the duration of one’s life is really a crap shoot!! Those that are sick, live and those that are healthy, die!!. So, live your life as if you will live to a hundred and three!!. Do that which will make you happy!. Find a project, smile every day, have something to look forward to and don’t give up!!!. Push forward, whether your despair is due to health or the loss of a loved one, it is up to you if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!

I finally signed the building contract for my new home in Costa Rica. I am going forward with the project!! I will have a home here. A place that I can call my own and a place that I hopefully will fully enjoy. My initial hesitation was twofold; first it was the money, how can+ Read More

12/04/2025

NEW YORK - Got back from New York a couple of days before Thanksgiving. Lucky that I did, because I needed the time to cook. Oh my, I forgot how much time and effort it took to cook such an extensive meal; brisket, turkey, potatoes, chestnut stuffing, candied sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, cranberry sauce and corn bread. I really have not cooked since Lewis and I started to travel and that was about five years ago. When we were in different parts of the world we never cooked. We may have made coffee in the morning, but that was about it. When we were in Miami we never really cooked, because we were only here for a couple of weeks at most. Then when Lewis died, I did not feel like cooking for just myself. I found it to be very lonely and no longer fun.

I made Thanksgiving for 7 people, I made enough food for 15 people and enjoyed the process. But it was more difficult than I thought or remembered it to be. I guess Lewis was much more help then I had ever given him credit for. He loved to cook as well, but Thanksgiving was my baby. Everybody seemed really pleased with the meal, so what more could I ask for. To have a Thanksgiving dinner without Lewis was bitter sweet. It brought up such memories that were wonderful, a past that I treasure, but I missed him so much it caused such indescribable pain.

Now to New York. It was a whirlwind trip, did not stop for a moment. Went to a Monet exhibit in the Brooklyn Museum, went to a Jazz club, went to a Blues club that was fabulous, the singer and lead guitarist was 80 years of age if not older who used to play with Muddy Waters, went to see a Broadway show, Beatlejuice, which I do not recommend, went to many great restaurants, went to SoHo, went shopping for food for a dinner my son and his fiancé made, went to the Village, went to China Town, met my friend for lunch uptown, met my future in-laws for Dim Sum and I know I must have missed something, these activities accomplished in less than six days was a lot of running around!! I had a great time and although I do love New York, I could not live there due to its pace, but it is a great place to visit!!

Where I can live is in Costa Rica. If it has a pace at all it would be described as slow and perhaps sleepy. But that is okay with me. I can go to all these fast paced, interesting, over indulging locations and then come back to a place where I can breath. So, I am moving forward with the contract to build not a house, but a home. Some place that I will feel comfortable and where I will want to spend a good deal of time. I will still travel, but Costa Rica will be my respite from the insanity of the world. And oh, is there plenty of that!!! But that is a different conversation to be had one of these days!!!

I am about to sign a Contract for the construction of the house and I was up all night thinking about what am I doing. Am I crazy? I am about to be 70 years of age and I am building a house in a foreign country, alone. And on top of it all, I have Stage 4 Cancer, (even though I am cancer free at the moment, it is still considered Stage 4), and who knows how long I will live. I must be crazy!! But I am going to do it anyway. Why not? You only live once no matter how long or short it may be!! And there are no guarantees for anyone. My healthy husband died without warning and I am still here, that should prove that there are no guarantees or justice!!

I believe I was up all night worrying about what I am doing, because of the fact that I am now making all the decisions on my own. When Lewis was around we made all the major decisions together, we talked about it, we gave our pros and cons and we, right or wrong, came to a conclusion. Now it is all on me. And it is a big decision. One not to be made lightly. But after all my consternation and hours of thinking through the what ifs, the alternatives and what I want and how I picture the rest of my life to be, it turns out that I feel I am doing just what Lewis would have decided for "me" to do. I do so wish that the "me" was a "we"!!!!

I look at my life and I must say with all my travails, I am damn lucky. Most people would not feel that way, but I do. I had 50 wonderful years with my husband. I loved him and in return I was loved deeply. He is now gone, but I have wonderful memories!!! I had cancer when my children were young, but I survived and had a normal and happy life with them. I did not take chemo and had 16 great years. I got cancer for a second time and once again I survived. I got Cancer for the third time and it was Stage 4. But since being diagnosed, I have survived for four years with only taking prescription medication. When the prescription medication stopped working and there were no other treatments to be had, I was told that I need to follow protocol and start to take the chemotherapy pill, Xeloda. This pill cannot be taken for a long period of time, because it is toxic and once you have to get off of it, then intravenous Chemotherapy is the only treatment available. I refused. And due to my refusal and my doctor having nothing else to prescribe, I was offered 16 months ago, radiation treatment to remove the cancer out of my Iliac bone and Liver where the cancer had spread. I was offered this, due to my refusal and because for some reason the cancer in my lungs and my chest wall, which cannot be radiated or surgically removed had disappeared. Since the radiation, I do not have any traces of cancer in my body. Am I not one of the luckiest people you have ever met? It is all in one's perspective!!!!

Go out and live your life to the fullest and fight every impediment that comes your way and tell yourself and anyone that will listen that you are not ready to be taken down!!! Ask questions and do not be afraid to make your own decisions!!! Doctors are just human and they are making educated guesses. Sometimes they can make the wrong choice, it is up to you to decide. But most of all enjoy your life, even if it is limited, smile often, laugh and love, do love greatly!!! Love your spouse, significant other, your family, your friends and tell them so. But most of all love yourself!! Let no one make you feel unworthy of love or belittle you. Stand up for your right to have a fulfilling life!! And a life worth living!!!! And then, go out and LIVE!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!! https://livenow.travel/new-york/

12/04/2025

Got back from New York a couple of days before Thanksgiving. Lucky that I did, because I needed the time to cook. Oh my, I forgot how much time and effort it took to cook such an extensive meal; brisket, turkey, potatoes, chestnut stuffing, candied sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, cranberry sauce an...

12/04/2025

NEW YORK - Got back from New York a couple of days before Thanksgiving. Lucky that I did, because I needed the time to cook. Oh my, I forgot how much time and effort it took to cook such an extensive meal; brisket, turkey, potatoes, chestnut stuffing, candied sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, cranberry sauce and corn bread. I really have not cooked since Lewis and I started to travel and that was about five years ago. When we were in different parts of the world we never cooked. We may have made coffee in the morning, but that was about it. When we were in Miami we never really cooked, because we were only here for a couple of weeks at most. Then when Lewis died, I did not feel like cooking for just myself. I found it to be very lonely and no longer fun.

I made Thanksgiving for 7 people, I made enough food for 15 people and enjoyed the process. But it was more difficult than I thought or remembered it to be. I guess Lewis was much more help then I had ever given him credit for. He loved to cook as well, but Thanksgiving was my baby. Everybody seemed really pleased with the meal, so what more could I ask for. To have a Thanksgiving dinner without Lewis was bitter sweet. It brought up such memories that were wonderful, a past that I treasure, but I missed him so much it caused such indescribable pain.

Now to New York. It was a whirlwind trip, did not stop for a moment. Went to a Monet exhibit in the Brooklyn Museum, went to a Jazz club, went to a Blues club that was fabulous, the singer and lead guitarist was 80 years of age if not older who used to play with Muddy Waters, went to see a Broadway show, Beatlejuice, which I do not recommend, went to many great restaurants, went to SoHo, went shopping for food for a dinner my son and his fiancé made, went to the Village, went to China Town, met my friend for lunch uptown, met my future in-laws for Dim Sum and I know I must have missed something, these activities accomplished in less than six days was a lot of running around!! I had a great time and although I do love New York, I could not live there due to its pace, but it is a great place to visit!!

Where I can live is in Costa Rica. If it has a pace at all it would be described as slow and perhaps sleepy. But that is okay with me. I can go to all these fast paced, interesting, over indulging locations and then come back to a place where I can breath. So, I am moving forward with the contract to build not a house, but a home. Some place that I will feel comfortable and where I will want to spend a good deal of time. I will still travel, but Costa Rica will be my respite from the insanity of the world. And oh, is there plenty of that!!! But that is a different conversation to be had one of these days!!!

I am about to sign a Contract for the construction of the house and I was up all night thinking about what am I doing. Am I crazy? I am about to be 70 years of age and I am building a house in a foreign country, alone. And on top of it all, I have Stage 4 Cancer, (even though I am cancer free at the moment, it is still considered Stage 4), and who knows how long I will live. I must be crazy!! But I am going to do it anyway. Why not? You only live once no matter how long or short it may be!! And there are no guarantees for anyone. My healthy husband died without warning and I am still here, that should prove that there are no guarantees or justice!!

I believe I was up all night worrying about what I am doing, because of the fact that I am now making all the decisions on my own. When Lewis was around we made all the major decisions together, we talked about it, we gave our pros and cons and we, right or wrong, came to a conclusion. Now it is all on me. And it is a big decision. One not to be made lightly. But after all my consternation and hours of thinking through the what ifs, the alternatives and what I want and how I picture the rest of my life to be, it turns out that I feel I am doing just what Lewis would have decided for "me" to do. I do so wish that the "me" was a "we"!!!!

I look at my life and I must say with all my travails, I am damn lucky. Most people would not feel that way, but I do. I had 50 wonderful years with my husband. I loved him and in return I was loved deeply. He is now gone, but I have wonderful memories!!! I had cancer when my children were young, but I survived and had a normal and happy life with them. I did not take chemo and had 16 great years. I got cancer for a second time and once again I survived. I got Cancer for the third time and it was Stage 4. But since being diagnosed, I have survived for four years with only taking prescription medication. When the prescription medication stopped working and there were no other treatments to be had, I was told that I need to follow protocol and start to take the chemotherapy pill, Xeloda. This pill cannot be taken for a long period of time, because it is toxic and once you have to get off of it, then intravenous Chemotherapy is the only treatment available. I refused. And due to my refusal and my doctor having nothing else to prescribe, I was offered 16 months ago, radiation treatment to remove the cancer out of my Iliac bone and Liver where the cancer had spread. I was offered this, due to my refusal and because for some reason the cancer in my lungs and my chest wall, which cannot be radiated or surgically removed had disappeared. Since the radiation, I do not have any traces of cancer in my body. Am I not one of the luckiest people you have ever met? It is all in one's perspective!!!!

Go out and live your life to the fullest and fight every impediment that comes your way and tell yourself and anyone that will listen that you are not ready to be taken down!!! Ask questions and do not be afraid to make your own decisions!!! Doctors are just human and they are making educated guesses. Sometimes they can make the wrong choice, it is up to you to decide. But most of all enjoy your life, even if it is limited, smile often, laugh and love, do love greatly!!! Love your spouse, significant other, your family, your friends and tell them so. But most of all love yourself!! Let no one make you feel unworthy of love or belittle you. Stand up for your right to have a fulfilling life!! And a life worth living!!!! And then, go out and LIVE!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!

Got back from New York a couple of days before Thanksgiving. Lucky that I did, because I needed the time to cook. Oh my, I forgot how much time and effort it took to cook such an extensive meal; brisket, turkey, potatoes, chestnut stuffing, candied sweet potatoes, brussel sprouts, cranberry sauce an...

11/05/2025

MIAMI - I have been home now for three weeks. Boy has it gone fast; I guess it is because of how busy I have been.

I got home on Saturday evening to find a flood in my living room. I had to clean up the water, move the furniture, move the carpet and hope for the best until the morning. I then had my air conditioner repairman come on Sunday to fix my air conditioner, I also had my friend who is a handy man come over to move the carpet and put it into the bathtub so that it could dry out and allow the wood on the floor to dry out as well. Needless to say the wood has been destroyed in the foyer, the area coming into the apartment. So on Monday I had to call my insurance agent only to be told that I should not bother to make a claim, because if I do, then I would receive very little money and then have my insurance cancelled on me. Only then to have to go out to get different and more expensive insurance that covers less. One always wonders why we bother getting insurance in the first place.

The next day, Monday, I moved out of my office that I have had in the building. I had that office for close to five years and went into it maybe 10 times at the most. I moved all my stuff into storage and in the apartment and threw out everything that I could. Tuesday I had my carpet moved downstairs to get cleaned. Air conditioning repairmen came again. A contractor came to look at my floors and give me an estimate. I started my search for tile to use to replace the wood. Wednesday I went to get a blood test. Had the tile man come to look at the floors.

Friday I went to my GP doctor to be told I am doing great!! Saturday spent hours going over my building plans for my home in Costa Rica. Monday I went out to look for tile again. Tuesday went to T mobile to find out that to fix my husbands old phones, which I have not as of yet turned off, would cost me more than to just buy a new one. Tuesday they picked up the rug to be cleaned. Air conditioning repair men came back to fix the air-conditioned further. Wednesday went for a Pet scan and a blood test. Monday I went to my warehouse to sell some of my office furniture and show the Broward County School board what I was willing to give away.

I went to my oncologist on Tuesday to discuss the results of the Pet scan and blood test, I am fine. No cancer!!!!! Started the s**t diet to cleanse myself out for my colonoscopy on Friday. Wednesday went to look for tiles again. Found some I like. Thursday went to the dentist for a check up and teeth cleaning and then to my eye doctor to make sure I was not getting a cataract in my other eye. Doctor only needed to change my prescription. Friday had my colonoscopy. And on Monday I went to get a bone density scan. Then yesterday I went to the warehouse at seven in the morning to meet up with the Broward County School board personnel to give them all of my office furniture that I had in storage. It was a lot of furniture. I then went to the office at the storage facility and found new storage space that will now cost me one third of the cost of what I have been paying. All in all, wouldn't you agree, a quite and uneventful few weeks!

I am not complaining about all that I had to do. I could have missed the flood, but everything else went as planned. All the tests have proven that I am well. I am cancer free!!! Can you imagine that, I have stage 4 Cancer and there is no cancer within my body!!! I was sick and now I am well and it is difficult to accept, especially when Lewis died and he was not even sick. Is this some cruel joke? I sometimes feel that dying would have been so much easier. You are here and then you are not! You do not worry, you do not miss anyone and you are at peace. I know that Lewis would not have been able to go on without me. At least I believe that. He would not have known how to survive. I guess I do. But it is not easy. I cry at a drop of a dime. I am laughing one minute and crying the next.

Why am I writing this, I guess it is because I am so tired. I am so tired knowing that I will not have my husband with me when things do go bad. I will be basically alone. Yes, I have family and friends, but they are not Lewis. They are not my foundation. They are not my true love. I have to make all the decisions now. I have to be the strong one. I am constantly being told how strong I am. How amazing I am. But I do not feel that way. I feel lost much of the time. But I do not know what else to do, but to proceed. To move forward. I feel as if I do not have a choice but to keep on going.

Life is hard. But I cannot stop. So I carry on. And when I do, I do find happiness. I do find laughter and I realize that life is to be lived. Everyday is a gift. I have my family and I have my friends and no they do not replace Lewis and all that he meant to me, but they do make life worth living.

Am I contradicting myself?, yeah, I guess, but that too is life. Life is not black and white, it is mostly gray and gray is a combination of black and white and you can find happiness within it. I seem to be rambling now!! I know, It is because you can be happy and sad all within the same moment. You can hate what you are doing and yet find pleasure in it. You can hate the person you are with and yet you love that person all the same. Life can be confusing. But enjoy it as much as you can. Proceed to the end with a smile on your face with the knowledge that it is the only life you have. So make the most of it!!!

Health can change in an instant for the good or for the bad. So fight for it, do not follow protocol without asking a million questions; you make up your own mind!!! Protocol is based on statistics, it does not work for everyone. You make the decisions. You are in control. Once you take control, you will feel better about your life and your situation. Do not let the fear defeat you. It is your body and your life and what happens or does not happen is up to you!! Take control and read your body and do what you think is right. And most of all while you are doing it, enjoy your life. Laugh, love, and find happiness where ever you can find it!!!!

Life is not merely surviving!!!!