12/19/2024
39. my mother really wanted to have a home birth with me. after many, many hours of labor we had to go to the hospital. after I was born, my mom remembers hearing nurses gathered around a piano, singing ‘silent night’- off key, loud, perfect. tears always come when she hears that song this time of year.
a number of years ago by now I had a healing session and learned that the nurses who were playing the piano and singing silent night were actually angels. these angels have always been here for us and our ancestors, and will continue to be there for our generational line. certainly not just ours. since then, the angels have periodically shown me some of the darkest experiences of mine and those of my ancestors, but revealed to me where they were during those times.
the angels were the woman who sat next to my deeply distressed father on the plane back home from Canada, holding his hand and witnessing his unimaginable pain. That angel told him that although life would be forever changed and filled with grief when we returned, there was also unimaginable beauty to come.
they were the angsty, cringey poems written by Seneca Manx to Juniper Wolf and other incredible, creative, pained, beautiful, resilient childhood friends (letting the part of me who feels crappy about not remembering all of our pen names feel okay posting this).
Jack was an angel, returning to a transverse position in my body up until labor at the very final stage. not being conscious while he arrived on this earth remains incredibly special painful for me, and, somehow he had deep, critical knowing about his positioning as he entered this world. despite no logical evidence or medical confirmation, I have an inkling that he may have kept us both alive by returning to his weird ass, rare birthing position.
the angels showed me how, while being sexually assaulted in college, one of the young men had more access to angel within him. he had less sadistic and more ambivalent parts of him, and eventually found his knowing enough to allow me freedom. the angels showed me that they were there within him, even.
thank you angels. thank you linear time for giving me 39.
