01/06/2021
Life is big. Life can feel like such a huge responsibility. Sometimes I find myself feeling like everything is riding on one choice or one outcome or one moment. That if I choose wrong, if I fail, if I'm not good enough, I'm going to really screw things up and get kicked out (or something terrible). When these feelings come (which they will) I've been praticing to take a big breath and STOP. I try to clear and calm my mind from the chaotic chatter in my thoughts that led to this moment of dread, fear, or uncertainty. In the quietness after my breath (honestly it takes more than one, most of the time 😅) I remind myself that my life is not a culminating story or build up to one critical choice and BOOM....darkness. It's a eclectic collection of landmarks, feelings, choices, and the quiet moments in-between.
The moments I feel unprepared, fearful, or anxious don't have to be the moments I fail but can be the moments before I shined. They can be the moments where I chose to continue. They can be the moment it doesn't work but I learn valuable lessons. The moments I dove in anyways despite of my uncertainties! The moments I were cracked open and taught mercy and compassion.
My life is like a frequency that is constantly changing pitch as I navigate through the world around me. My environment and I take turns influencing each other and pushing each other here or there. Sometimes it makes lovely melodies and harmonies, Sometimes it's nothing but drums and banging cymbals. All these moments of choices, failures, successes, compassions, and fears will be there play back I listen to in my twilight. It will be the song of my life.
**p
