Gracefield Counseling

01/28/2025

I stumbled upon this article and thought it was a remarkable reflection on how we can find lives of meaning, depth, and fulfillment in a world compelling us to be someone other than who we truly are.

what do you need to feel whole?

09/30/2024

I recently posted this photograph, along with a few others, to highlight another backpacking trip I completed. This photo actually has a lot of meaning for me, which I did not mention in the post- but thought was appropriate commentary for this page.

I often go on backcountry backpacking trips, sometimes with others, often solo. I generally love being out in nature- this is one of my “happy places”. I usually hike 30-60 miles at a time over 3-5 days.

On this trip, though, on the second day, things were beginning to turn. I discovered severe weather was approaching. I was 20 miles from my car, and wasn’t thrilled about the idea of camping and hiking in torrential downpours.

So I began to hike with determination to make it to my car by nightfall. That’s a long hike for me- and 10 miles in I was beginning to feel it. My body ached, a misty rain was starting to fall, and on every mountain I summited the wind seemed to blow that much stronger through the hemlocks.

I started to get in my head. Thinking about my pain. Worried about my predicament. Wondering if I should put more clothes on. Hoping my headlamp still worked. Blah Blah blah the inner dialogue continued…. Until…
.Until I lifted my foot up to take my next step and saw this beautiful, petite orange newt crawling along exactly where my foot was about to go.

If a newt could speak, he was screaming at me.
“Hi! Look at me! Please don’t step on me! Aren’t I beautiful?! And by the way there is a lot of beauty all around you that you are missing because YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD!”

I stopped. I looked around. The mist seeping through the mountains was no longer a threat- it was magical. The wonderful smells of the wet hemlocks and the bright splashes of newly fallen leaves were gifts for me to graciously accept all to myself.

I can’t lie- the next 10 miles were still hard -but far more full of grace, powered by wonder and appreciation, that made every step an adventure and opportunity.

That little newt jolted me out of my self-imposed tunnel back into the present moment, so full of beauty and awe, where our authentic self so loves to reside.

Sometimes, when my clients are experiencing a lot of anxiety and are “in their heads”- I suggest that they look outside the window of my counseling center and describe what they see. As they recognize the beauty of the nature surrounding us, often the anxiety begins to subside as their heads and bodies recognize the miracle of the present moment.

And if you don’t have a therapist, sometimes a little newt will do the job better than I ever could.

12/12/2023

Sometimes the way we protect ourselves from difficult feelings are behaviors that can trigger and alienate others. This is really challenging in relationships- for instance, when one partner’s coping mechanism is to withdraw, it can trigger the other partner, especially if they have issues/triggers around abandonment. That partner may then react in a way that further triggers the other into withdraw- and around and around the cycle continues.
In my work with couples, sometimes a first step is to bring these cycles into awareness, and then begin to equip the couple with ways to express themselves and more mindfully engage with each other from a place of curiosity, understanding and compassion, instead of perpetuating the old cycles.
Occaisionally it is helpful for one or both of the partners to seek individual therapy to heal the underlying issue that creates the trigger in the first place, so that no longer stands in the way of greater vulnerability and intimacy.
Either way, the path towards greater intimacy requires us to recognize that our old defense mechanisms may no longer serve us, and take responsibility for more consciously engaging with ourselves and others.

10/17/2023

Some concepts, if practiced, have the power to change our perception and experience of reality. This is one of them.

“Since our consciousness plays some part in what comes into being, the play of attention can both create and destroy, but it never leaves its object unchanged.”

05/23/2023

Navigating Life Transitions

Grief comes in many forms. While we usually think about grief in the context of loosing someone/something we care about, we can also experience grief after many other types of losses. One less talked about form of grief is when we loose an “identity”- or role- to which we were strongly attached.

In our lifetimes we experience many transitions. Some transitions seem to happen easily, while others may be more difficult and bring up a lot of strong emotions. Many transitions involve a change in our role; for instance, from minor to adult, from single to a committed relationship, (and vice versa), from childless to parent, or even from parent of a child to parent of an adult. Graduations, job/career changes, and even changes to our health status are transitions that can shift our view of “who we are”.

Often clients who come in experiencing things like anger, sadness, depression, and mood swings are actually experiencing grief. When we experience a transition where our role(s) significantly change, we can experience that as a significant loss- the loss of an identify to which we were strongly attached.

First, it is absolutely OK and normal to grieve these things- and, like any grief, it is important to honor our feelings and allow ourselves to process our emotions.

Sometimes, however, a client can be so strongly attached to a role that the loss of that role feels like the loss of a major part of our identify, and they may have significant challenges processing how they feel. To help with these transitions, I sometimes work with clients to distinguish their core identify (“who they are”) from the roles they have or had (“what they do”).

Our identity can be viewed as being comprised of our core values, qualities, and beliefs about ourselves and the world. While it may change with time, it is much more steadfast than the changing roles that we assume.

When we live an authentic life, we bring the same core identity to every role we inhabit; while our roles may change, we remain clear and firm in the understanding of who we are, and are therefore able to navigate our changing roles. While we may grieve the transitions in life, our orientation to “who we are” can provide a grounding during those times.

04/10/2023

Occasionally a prospective client will reach out to me to schedule therapy sessions for “anger management”. Sometimes they are court-ordered, at the request of someone else, or sometimes the individual finally realizes that their anger is impacting their lives so negatively that they must address the issue.

Typical “anger management” work involves helping the client to become more mindful and self aware of their triggers and the precursor feelings, and finding tools and techniques to moderate their emotions and reactions.

Often, however there are deeper underlying causes for their anger- and addressing these can often lead to much more effective and lasting sense of peace and equanimity in situations that were triggers in the past.

Anger is what I like to call a “superficial” emotion; by this I mean there is usually something else underneath- the anger is a cover-up or conditioned way to cope with a feeling underneath that may be very uncomfortable for us. We learn to be “angry”- project outward- instead of really feeling what’s inside- going inward.

As Yoda so wisely puts it- sometimes beneath our anger lie emotions like fear, shame, uncertainty, confusion- or the discomfort of being confronted with information or beliefs that contradict our own (cognitive dissonance). Instead of feeling those uncomfortable feelings, we project anger outward as a coping mechanism to deflect our discomfort. Sadly, this often means others bear the brunt of our inability or unwillingness to experience our own discomfort.

Often, true resolution of “anger management” issues involves addressing our discomfort and resistance to feeling our deepest emotions. By uncovering, understanding, and healing the underlying pain, we may resolve our anger issues for good.

04/03/2023

“Outer experience is a reflection of inner reality”
I often share this powerful quote with my clients. It is from one of my teachers, who was helping us understand that our mindset and beliefs (about ourselves, others, the world) often color how we experience the world around us.

For instance- if we believe the world is dangerous, and/or that people are not trustworthy- we may tend to experience the world as frightening and people as threatening. Conversely, a generally positive set of beliefs about the world, ourselves, and those around us will generally result in us experiencing the world as a beautiful and welcoming place.

In other words- our minds tend to amplify those things that validate our beliefs (ever hear of confirmation bias?)- and downplay or ignore those experiences that do not conform to our beliefs.

Often one of the first things I do with clients who are experiencing the world as threatening (which is at the root of many anxiety disorders) is to uncover their underlying beliefs and judgments about themselves, others, and the world around them. Sometimes these were formed at a very young age- perhaps when indeed their experiences were scary- in order to protect them and help them cope. Usually, however, these beliefs are no longer an accurate representation of the world around them, and are only serving to negatively impact their experiences.

By slowly uncovering, examining, and evolving our beliefs and judgments, we can, over time, transform our experience of ourselves, others, and the world around us.

10/11/2022

Honored to share a promotional video for Neumann University (where I completed my MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling) featuring Gracefield Counseling.

The Department of Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Neumann offers a 60-credit Master of Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling as well as certifica...

06/03/2021

Attending to your mental health is as important as your physical health in any part of life- in this case as it relates to healthy workplaces. This article, written in the context of professional athletes creating healthy boundaries, provides some good perspectives and actions.

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/06/02/well/mind/job-work-mental-health.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&fbclid=IwAR2NRTcSQwPE79yOaPRyDDApndgDnhSf0jUOfTmWiu02WYJbc9ai-NzXFtE

Naomi Osaka advocated for her well-being at work. Here’s how you can too.

03/14/2021

New website!

Welcome to Gracefield CounselingPersonalized, compassionate, and effective approaches to therapy. Experience more peace, joy, and fulfillment in all aspects of your life.At Gracefield Counseling, we are deeply committed to helping individuals, couples, and families identify barriers and overcome c.....

12/29/2020

What’s your story?

As a result of accumulated experiences in our lives, especially in childhood, we often adopt a story, or set of beliefs, about ourselves and the world around us. This story becomes the lens through which we experience the world. While this lens can sometimes help us cope, find meaning, and manage through challenges, our stories can also lead to unnecessary suffering for ourselves and those around us.

In my counseling practice I often work with clients to identify, understand, and if helpful, deconstruct their stories and beliefs so that clients can experience more peace and joy in their lives.

It is my intention to create a series of posts with prototypical “stories” I encounter from clients. Perhaps some of these will resonate with you

The first story is: “I must achieve in order to be worthy/worthy of being loved”.

This is a very common story. Usually emanating from childhood, the story of needing to prove our worthiness through achievement might begin in areas such as sports or academics, but continues in our lives in areas such as career, wealth, and social standing. We continually set “high bars” for achievement, never acknowledging ourselves for “making it” before setting another bar and judging ourselves along the way for not being “enough”. This story, often leads to anxiety, depression, and exhaustion.

Personal achievement is a beautiful thing- however we must be mindful of our source of motivation; are we driven by the pure love and joy of learning, personal growth, and leveraging our gifts to contribute to the world, or are we motivated by fear- the need to achieve in order to prove our worthiness to others? These two different ways of being result in very different experiences of our lives.

It is possible to shift our beliefs- to consciously choose healthier and more accurate core beliefs. In this case, I often work with clients to recognize that as human beings, we are all inherently worthy as individuals, and as we shift our source of validation from outside of us to inside of us, and let go of longstanding judgments we hold about ourselves, we are able to let go of the compulsion prove anything to others. As we change our way of “being”, our motivation for “doing” can shift as well; from fear, to the joy and love of personal growth and contribution. This is personal transformation, and is beautiful to watch unfold.

Stay tuned for the next post, where I will discuss another common story that can lead to a lot of issues: “It is my responsibility to ensure everyone around me is happy”.