Sara Siner Darling, LMFT

09/10/2021

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Perhaps knowing why will give you comfort, but it will never erase what happened. As you gather more information, respond to what you already know.

Your power is in choosing how you want to respond.

09/10/2021

A common topic (preemptive worrying) that comes up in sessions....here's a few ideas to consider. -Sara

10/30/2020

I have many conversations about being compassionate with yourself. Let’s change the narrative so we can truly integrate and heal. Being harder on ourselves doesn’t lead to better behavior.

SELF-COMPASSION WILL CHANGE YOUR BRAIN

Y’all hear me talking about self-compassion- a lot. I mean, really a lot.

It’s probably a little annoying 😊 Because it’s a little like a broken record, but also- because self-compassion is really, really, really hard and may feel waaaay out of reach for you.

I know that my brain really needs to understand the science behind something- especially a vulnerable something like self-compassion- before I’m willing to risk trying it.

Maybe your brain is the same!!!

So here you go….a little introduction to the science of self-compassion.
Compassion is quite literally the neurobiology of change.

A compassionate brain is a brain that is open and available to shift, take in new information, and move toward integration.

Integration means developing lots of gorgeous, wonderful, rich, and plentiful connections; in the brain, in the body, and with each other!

Integration = mental wellness.

Integration mean emotion regulation. Integration means staying regulated in the face of stress. Integration means moving BACK into regulation more quickly after you flip your lid. Integration means empathy and insight.

Integration means all the good things.

More often.

Not all the time.

I’m never ever ever ever ever aiming for integration all the time.

It’s not possible. It’s not reasonable. It’s not being human.

You will never stop flipping your lid.
You will never stop losing it on your kids. Or your partner.

Or whatever it is that you want to stop doing.

And that’s OK. Because it has to be OK because you are human and there is nothing you can do to transcend your humanity.

BUT…when we increase integration one of the things we do is build resilience. That means it gets easier and faster for our body and brain and nervous system to come back into regulation; to feeling OK, clear, and connected.

This means we increase our ability to repair what happened when we flipped our lid.

This means we flip our lid less often.

This means we slow DOWN how quickly we flip our lid so we can use some of those brilliant coping skills that will help us NOT flip our lid.

How do we do this?
Practice self-compassion!!!!

Self-compassion sounds like “Oh, this is hard. I’m doing the best I can.”

“I’m really hurting and overwhelmed right now.”

“Whoa…that was not ideal behavior. That must mean that I was really hurting/overwhelmed in that moment.”

“The absolute only reason I would act that way is because I feel realllllly bad.”

“I’m not alone in this. There are so many parents struggling right now.”

“Struggling is just what humans do. Being human is hard.”

Self-compassion moves our nervous system from a reactive state to an open state.

From feeling tight and constricted and yucky to feeling open and curious…though obviously, not necessarily GOOD.

It’s a shift in the physical sensation. Tight and constricted to open and receptive.

The more we shift into this open and receptive place the more we create the neurobiology the supports integration. And remember all the good things integration means???

Here’s what I hear people say when they are resistant to self-compassion.
“If I’m compassionate with myself, I’m letting myself off the hook. It’s just an excuse!”

“If I’m compassionate with myself, I’ll never change. I’ll just keep doing this over and over again.”

“My behavior is so bad I don’t deserve compassion.”

My favorite way to turn this resistance around?

Imagine if any of these beliefs are things you think are true about your best friend.

Their behavior is so bad they don’t deserve compassion?

See for me….someone’s really bad behavior means they need the MOST compassion. Bad behavior = hurting.

Compassion and boundaries are NOT mutually exclusive. We can absolutely hold compassion AND very very strong boundaries. For others….and ourselves 😊

If you were compassionate with your friend for their bad behavior, would that ensure that their behavior never changes?!?! I mean really….does that even make sense?

Compassion and understanding what is DRIVING behavior is not EXCUSING the behavior.

Excusing is NOT the neurobiology of integration. Compassion is. Promise.

08/30/2020

Helpful info about how we often avoid dealing with our trauma but it affects us.

08/11/2020

Does this resonate?

For so many years I felt I didn’t have the right to ask for help or to name myself as a survivor of trauma because on the outside I looked strong; because I “functioned well.”
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What I understand now is that as a survivor of c-ptsd, my body was doing the best she could to navigate + survive my life. I didn’t know there was another way.
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Today though, I both honor + grieve that reality. And if you, too, always had to be the “strong” one—I honor you. I grieve with you. I hold space with you. May you find spaces + people who truly allow you to exhale.

Edited to add: it should read, “I’m sorry you’ve always *had* to be the strong one” 💁🏼‍♀️

07/20/2020

Our current circumstances are quite challenging. Everyone is hitting walls at different times...maybe you need this reminder today. Whatever you are feeling isn't final. Promise.

I think—somewhere in the middle of last week—I hit a wall.

I am sad. I feel lost and aimless in my home most of the day. I am cranky with my people. Even though we’re together all day—I’m somehow gone. I’m claustrophobic in this covid world. The news makes me terrified and so full of rage I want to scream. I wander around all day with this nagging feeling that I’m not doing enough writing enough helping enough creating enough parenting enough wifeing enough BEING enough—that I’m wasting my time, my hours, my days, my life.

Is it just me? And if so I was just joking I’m fine, totally carpeing the hell outta these diems and all that s**t.

Crawling along.
Gonna keep going.
Love you madly.

“No feeling is final.” -the magical Rainer Maria Rilke.

Glennon

07/08/2020

Once a long, long time ago I tried to write relevant content for this page. It became overwhelming and unsustainable due to my expectations and all the other responsibilities on my plate. I've read things I often want to share so I've decided that for now this page can be a connecting point to other work that is valuable to hear and see. I hope you find content that resonates with where you are in your journey! Be well! - Sara

Shadow work is uncomfortable. And, healing.

All of us have a “shadow”: the shadow self is the abandoned + rejected parts of self. We begin this unconsciously in childhood to receive love + approval, based on the traits + behaviors seen as ‘positive’ by parent figures. Later, this extends to peers, teachers, community, + societal structures.

Our egos protect us from the shadow self. We don’t want to acknowledge that jealousy, fear, greed, lust, rage, + all sorts of perceived “negative” emotional energy lives within us.

Our ego projects this outwards onto other people.

Our ego loves to focus outwards. On other people’s faults, mistakes, + shortcomings. Of course, all of these are simply perceptions based on our past. This is normal + human.

These questions will be painful for the ego. Especially since we’ve practice looking outwards our entire lives. But, these questions will allow us to go inwards. To expand our consciousness.

The peaceful warrior practices seeing the parts of self that most look away from. This is the work

04/08/2020

Had the honor of sharing a conversation today with my good friend, Eric Romanak, owner of Seva Fitness Academy. We are all navigating new circumstances right now as we are in the midst of a pandemic. Maybe this can offer you some helpful tips. If you need additional help, please reach out.

04/06/2019

This is the most important lesson we can learn as we process our life experiences, but it’s often the hardest lesson to embrace. The “easier” path is to identify how the other person hurt us, how they should change, what they don’t see in themselves, yada, yada, yada. We often believe we have all the answers for them.

We are endlessly frustrated when people don’t change in the ways we think they should. However, in spending this time thinking and talking about the other person we are robbing ourselves of the opportunity for transformation and growth. We can only change ourselves. We can never change others. At best we can only influence them.

This is the path of least vulnerability and greatest frustration.

By turning our exploration inward we can discover our part in the cycle, experience, and relationship. We do have control of our own behaviors and actions. We can learn more about our belief patterns and driving motivations. When we do this well we find ways to alter our reactions and recognize triggers that are blocking authenticity with ourselves and in our relationships. We can learn to be honest with ourselves about our strengths and our shortcomings and decide what the best path forward is.

This is the path of greatest vulnerability but the reward for this work is inner transformation, more contentment within ourselves, and deeper satisfaction in our relationships.

01/10/2019

Darkness as a gift? Huh? What? Have you lost your mind? Thinking about darkness as a gift is not something that can be appreciated at the time it’s given because it does not feel like a gift but more like being saddled with a heavy weight we didn’t ask to receive.

However, the wise will learn to welcome darkness because it is one of the most powerful and transformative teachers if we allow. With each new experience we have to choose to allow it to transform you or stunt you.

The less we fight the darkness the quicker we can move through it, explore it, and be shaped and changed in powerful ways from it. Embracing that darkness has something to teach us keeps us from becoming rigid, negative, and resentful, and deepens our ability to be empathetic to others who have also been gifted/plunged into darkness.

The journey out of darkness and into the light allows us to connect to ourselves on deep interpersonal levels. Knowing ourselves, both pain and joy, allows us to be more fully present in the world. When carefully managed, we can gently nurture ourselves back to physical, emotional, and mental health.

As time passes, we will recognize we love the new versions of ourselves much better than previous. As you gain perspective, you will recognize yourself as more integrated and whole, with a deep well of inner strength from which to draw.

12/31/2018

Until we embody this truth we will struggle to reach our goals. We have to believe in ourselves first before we can achieve in something great.

If our beliefs are incongruent it is difficult to create new and healthy patterns to achieve your greatest goals in life. (i.e “I am not worthy until I achieve my dreams.”) When your beliefs become congruent , (“I am worthy, therefore, I deserve to have and reach my dreams”), you will be unstoppable.

Your new beliefs will create an indestructible foundation that will be solid for years to come. Then, you will begin to build on that belief system and find that it is easier than ever to go after your dreams.

This might be your year to focus on believing you are inherently worthy. Once you taste that belief….watch out world.

*If you are interested in revising how you respond to old wounds that are contributing to incongruent beliefs, consider trying a groundbreaking therapy to help reset belief systems that no longer serve you. Check out the services tab on the website for more information - www.sarasinerdarling@gmail.com." rel="ugc" target="_blank">www.sarasinerdarling@gmail.com.