02/26/2026
I think we've all been here before. One night, you're giving your friend the most solid advice about their relationship. Then, the very next second, you're making excuses for the exact same patterns in your own relationship.
It can be one of the most frustrating parts for someone with anxious attachment. You can spot red flags for everyone else but yourself, and you can rationalize your partner's behavior like a pro. Suddenly, "they're just busy," or "they've been through a lot," and even, "It's different when we're together."
And the wild part? You genuinely believe these explanations. You're not even lying to yourself on purpose. Your brain is doing exactly what it was wired to do when you have an anxious attachment style: protect connection at all costs.
Why? Well, when you're anxiously attached, your attachment system perceives any threat to connection/relationship as a threat (because connection is a biological imperative). So, when you start noticing red flags, your brain faces an important choice:
1- Acknowledge the red flag and risk the connection
2- Rationalize the behavior and keep the bond intact
Your nervous system is almost always going to choose the second option, because losing the connection feels more dangerous than staying in something unhealthy. Ouch, right?
So, how can you switch it?
First, you have to stop shaming yourself. I know, it's way easier said than done, but you have to try and remember that your brain is always trying to protect you, it just doesn't always have the best strategies.
Next, try to build awareness around when you make excuses for your partner's red flags. You can try to approach it as if it was your best friend's partner instead of yours, which could offer a new perspective.
Finally, start practicing actually tolerating the clarity you have. It's going to be uncomfortable to see and voice the red flags, but this is really how you get to the other side.
You deserve a relationship that is healthy and full of conscious choice.