02/22/2022
There is tremendous power in the pause.
When kids start to resist something we want them to do, our tendency is to immediately push them to do it.
We repeat the request or demand.
We justify and explain.
We bribe and threaten.
When we feel them pushing back against our expectation, we push even harder.
This leads to chronic cycles of power struggle and a breakdown in the relationship. While this pushing might lead to compliance in the moment, it does so at the cost of the child learning to truly regulate their emotions and behaviors, communicate, and problem solve. And there is a cost to us in terms of depleted energy, increased frustration, and feelings of incompetence.
Focusing on pausing, rather than pushing, in these moments is key.
What does pausing look like?
Saying and doing nothing for a few seconds or longer. Literally you don’t talk. You don’t take any action (unless there is a clear safety issue to address). You hit the pause button on yourself and just be in the moment. You wait.
“I don’t want to clean up my toys!”
PAUSE.
“You never let me do anything fun! You hate me!”
PAUSE.
“I’m not wearing that shirt!”
PAUSE.
“You can’t make me!”
PAUSE
What happens in the pause?
Lots of things can happen in the space we leave between our child’s behavior and our response…
We regulate ourselves with breathing and stillness.
We give ourselves a moment to consider our response without impulsively reacting.
The child has the chance to process what’s happening.
The child has the chance to consider their response.
If we’re willing to pause long enough, it’s often the case that the child moves forward with whatever needs to happen. Or they become more able to communicate their thoughts and feelings. Or we are able to see what’s happening for them and provide appropriate support.
There are all kinds of possibilities in the pause, if we’re willing to trust that doing nothing is actually the best thing we can do.
Where can you practice pausing today?
