http://www.garymalonecounseling.com/

Gary Malone Counseling, PLLC, Paris, TX (2025)

11/04/2025

Most men don’t mean to disconnect, they just speak a different language. You show love by showing up, working hard, providing. But she feels loved when she feels understood. When she says she needs “connection,” she’s not asking for deep talks every night, she’s asking to feel like you actually see her. The irony? When her heart feels safe, her body naturally follows.

11/04/2025

Your marriage isn’t bad.
It’s just bleh.

And maybe that feels “fine.”
But fine is where marriages go to die quietly.

Bleh marriages are born from a thousand small avoidances.

Avoiding hard talks. Avoiding truth. Avoiding eye contact when something feels off because it’s easier to check your phone than check in with your spouse.

You didn’t lose love, you stopped feeding it.

You started managing each other instead of knowing each other.
You started performing safety instead of creating intimacy.
You started trading depth for peace.

Here’s what’s really going on: your nervous system learned long ago that closeness equals risk. So now, when things get tense, you either:

- Chase: talk more, fix, analyze, beg for reassurance, or
- Withdraw: shut down, distract, act “unbothered.”

And if you both avoid conflict long enough, you’ll build a fortress called “we’re doing fine.” But “fine” is just fear dressed in neutral tones.

It’s a dead battery with matching bath towels.

The truth is, comfort doesn’t create closeness, it creates emotional sedation.
You can’t build passion without risk. You can’t build depth without discomfort.
And you can’t stay in love while constantly trying to stay safe.

Say what you actually feel.

Not what keeps the peace. Not what you think they want to hear. Real words from the real you.

You stopped asking questions because you think you already know them. You don’t. You only know the version of them you stopped exploring years ago.

Do something uncomfortable together. Novelty rewires connection. Go do something that shakes you out of your pattern, something that makes you remember you’re still alive.

Stop trying to be “good.” Good spouses get stuck. Real ones grow. Sometimes growth means disappointing the version of your partner who only loved your compliance.

Bleh is safe. It’s predictable. It’s emotionally low-risk.
But it’s also how you slowly lose each other without ever breaking up.

So if your marriage feels lifeless, don’t wait for disaster to wake you up.
Be the disruption. Start the real conversation.

Because comfort won’t save your marriage. Courage will.

10/31/2025

Guys will play a bad round of golf and replay every swing trying to figure out what went wrong.

We’ll sit in a deer stand all morning, see nothing, and still spend the drive home talking through what we could’ve done different.

We’ll tweak a fishing lure, study game film, rebuild a carburetor, or rework a fantasy football roster...all to improve for next time.

But when it comes to marriage?
Most of us just want the argument to be over so we can move on.

Here’s the thing: marriage works a lot like all that other stuff.
If you want to get better, you’ve got to learn from the misses.

A fight doesn’t mean your marriage is failing.
It means something under the surface needs attention.
And if you slow down long enough to look at it, you can actually get better because of it.

So instead of wasting a good fight, try this:

- Replay the tape. After things cool down, ask yourself, “Where did I lose my cool? Where did I stop listening?”

- Own your part. You don’t have to take all the blame...just the part that’s yours.

- Ask, don’t assume. Instead of saying, “You’re overreacting,” try, “Help me understand what that felt like for you.”

- End with repair. A simple, “Hey, I don’t like how that went...can we do better next time?” goes further than silence.

The goal isn’t to never fight.
It’s to get a little better after each one...just like anything else that matters.

You don’t have to win it.
Just don’t waste it.

10/28/2025

A client said to me yesterday, “I just regret so much from that time in my life.”
And I found myself saying something I hadn’t planned:
“What a gift it is to regret. Because it means you’ve grown and healed enough to see that part of your life differently.”

Regret is one of those emotions we’re taught to avoid. We treat it like a failure, a sign that we’ve done something wrong or missed our chance. But regret often shows up after growth. It’s what happens when our present self looks back at a moment through a wiser, softer, more healed lens.

The person who made that choice back then didn’t have the same awareness, courage, or tools you have now. The regret isn’t proof that you’re broken, it’s proof that you’ve changed.

When you feel regret, you’re witnessing your own evolution. You’re noticing the gap between who you were and who you’ve become. And instead of using it to shame yourself, you can use it to honor the journey.

So if you find yourself saying, “I wish I’d known better,” maybe pause and recognize...you do now.
That’s the gift.

10/28/2025

A client said to me yesterday, “I just regret so much from that time in my life.”

And I found myself saying something I hadn’t planned:
“What a gift it is to regret. Because it means you’ve grown and healed enough to see that part of your life differently.”

Regret is one of those emotions we’re taught to avoid. We treat it like a failure, a sign that we’ve done something wrong or missed our chance. But regret often shows up after growth. It’s what happens when our present self looks back at a moment through a wiser, softer, more healed lens.

The person who made that choice back then didn’t have the same awareness, courage, or tools you have now. The regret isn’t proof that you’re broken, it’s proof that you’ve changed.

When you feel regret, you’re witnessing your own evolution. You’re noticing the gap between who you were and who you’ve become. And instead of using it to shame yourself, you can use it to honor the journey.

So if you find yourself saying, “I wish I’d known better,” maybe pause and recognize...you do now.

That’s the gift. 🫧

10/27/2025

Curiosity isn’t a soft skill...it’s a survival skill for connection.

When couples stop trying to win arguments and start trying to understand each other, everything changes. The same truth applies far beyond relationships: the world isn’t falling apart because people disagree, it’s falling apart because we’ve forgotten how to stay curious while we do.

Psychologists have long known that when people feel attacked, they stop listening. People protect their sense of identity before they protect the truth. Being wrong feels unsafe. In relationships, that means “you’re misunderstanding me” rarely invites openness...it usually shuts it down.

So what actually opens the door again? According to Stanford University research, summarized by science writer David Robson in his book, 'The Laws of Connection', one simple question changes everything:

“I was interested in what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about how come you think that?”

It sends a message of safety and respect, shifting the conversation from winning to understanding...because based on brain science, curiosity disarms defensiveness.

It’s not about giving up your viewpoint. it’s about giving the other person enough safety to share theirs.

The next time a conversation with your spouse starts to turn tense, pause. Take a breath. Then ask:

“Can you tell me more about how come you think that?”

You may not change their mind, but you might just change the moment. And that’s where real connection begins.

10/23/2025

This isn’t a post about judging what’s right or wrong in anyone’s marriage.

It’s about understanding why something that feels harmless to one partner can feel threatening to another and how that difference is almost always rooted in attachment needs, not insecurity or control.

I overheard a conversation recently where a husband seemed like he genuinely couldn’t understand why his wife didn’t want him going to strip clubs.

To him, it wasn’t personal.
To her, it was.

That disconnect is where many couples get stuck, not because of jealousy or control, but because of what emotional safety means in a relationship.

Every relationship operates on an invisible emotional contract. We may not say it out loud, but it sounds like this:

“Can I count on you to protect what we’re building together?”

When one partner feels emotionally unsafe - like their needs for trust, exclusivity, or respect are minimized - it doesn’t just hurt their feelings. It shakes the foundation their nervous system rests on. Attachment science tells us that security isn’t about being “clingy” or “controlling”; it’s about consistency, emotional availability, and protection of the bond.

So when someone says, “I’d rather you not go there,” they’re not trying to manage your fun, they’re naming a boundary that helps them feel safe.

Respect in relationships is often tested at the intersection of freedom and impact.

Sure, you can go anywhere you want. But in a secure partnership, the question becomes:

“If I know something makes my partner feel unsafe, why is it so important that I still do it?”

Sometimes, people mistake independence for emotional maturity. But true maturity is being able to hold both: your individuality and your partner’s vulnerability.

(Disclaimer: I realize it’s also true that not all couples share this sensitivity. Some genuinely don’t feel threatened by it and that can work for them.)

It’s less about what’s right or wrong and more about what’s reassuring or destabilizing for your unique relationship.

At its core, this isn’t a debate about strip clubs. It’s a conversation about emotional protection. It’s about whether we see our partner’s need for safety as an inconvenience or as an invitation to love them better.

Because meaningful relationships aren’t built on shared interests; they’re built on shared security.

10/22/2025

Sometimes people get married not knowing what a healthy marriage actually looks like. We know what not to do… but that’s not the same thing as building connection.

So I made a Happily Married Checklist — simple, honest, and built for real life.

No therapy buzzwords. Just practical habits that keep love alive and your marriage intact.

👊 Download the PDF here: https://www.garymalonecounseling.com/freebies

10/20/2025

I watched my son eat a popsicle last night. He finished it, stared at the wrapper, and then, without a thought, set the wrapper down beside him. Not maliciously. Not rebelliously. Just… done.

In that tiny moment was a whole developmental truth: when something no longer serves us, we don’t instinctively know what to do next. Kids have to learn that finishing something comes with responsibility. You enjoyed it, now throw the wrapper away. You used it, now tend to what’s left.

It made me think about adults. How many of us never learn what to do after the thing stops serving us?

In marriage, it shows up quietly at first. The excitement fades, the routines feel heavy, the effort doesn’t taste as sweet and instead of tending to what’s left, we emotionally set it down. We scroll more. We speak less. We chase something new or numb the absence of what once was. We forget that love, real love, requires clean-up, not escape.

Kids need guidance to learn responsibility after pleasure. Adults need courage to learn presence after the spark. One is about learning to throw something away properly. The other is about learning not to.

Maybe growth is realizing the moment of “I’m not excited by this anymore” isn’t the end.

It’s the invitation to start showing up differently - to rediscover, reimagine, and reengage.

Because sometimes what’s left still deserves care. It just needs a new kind of attention. 🫧

10/08/2025

The most sacred love you’ll ever offer is the kind you give yourself when it feels undeserved.

10/07/2025

I usually post more practical stuff about marriage, love and relationships...things you can actually do to communicate better or feel more connected.

But a friend and I were talking recently about what it really means to stay your own person inside a relationship (friendship, marriage, etc.), and I ended up explaining something I'm calling, The Bubble Theory.

It’s not research-based or clinical...just a visual that stuck with me. And sometimes, imagery helps drive a point home better than any fancy terminology ever could. So I figured I’d share because it helped me conceptualize a topic that can be complicated and maybe it’ll help you too.

You ever notice how bubbles can float close, even bump into each other, and still stay intact? Sometimes they even drift together for a second before bouncing apart again.

There’s something kind of poetic about that...how they can connect without losing their own shape.

That’s what healthy love, or friendship, is supposed to look like.

Let's pretend each of us is a bubble, filled with our own air: our beliefs, stories, hurts, humor, weird quirks, all of it. We carry our own breath. That’s autonomy, the sense that “I’m me, even when I’m with you.”

When two people meet, their bubbles touch. If the connection is healthy, it’s gentle. There’s space for give and take, moments of closeness and distance. The film between them flexes. It breathes. It lets light through.

But when one person starts pressing too hard - maybe out of fear, control, or that anxious need to feel secure - pressure builds. The boundaries collapse and..pop. What used to feel beautiful suddenly feels suffocating.

And here’s the kicker: it’s not because the love wasn’t real. It’s because the individuality disappeared.

See, love without space isn’t love. It’s fusion.
And space without love isn’t connection. It’s isolation.
Healthy relationships live somewhere between...close enough to touch, free enough to breathe.

The goal isn’t to become one perfect bubble. It’s to hold your own shape while letting someone else’s light reflect off your surface. That’s where intimacy actually happens - in the space where two whole selves meet gently, without trying to consume or fix each other.

So maybe love isn’t about holding on tighter.
Maybe it’s about learning how to float side by side...both of you shining, both of you whole.

And honestly, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced this could be the foundation for a new Taylor Swift song.

10/06/2025

We like to imagine healing as a finish line. That one day, after enough therapy, enough journaling, or enough “working on ourselves,” we’ll finally be ready to love again. Like there’s some secret level of emotional enlightenment we have to reach before we can risk connection.

But that’s not how this works.

We don’t heal first and love later.
We heal in love.
Through love. Around love.

Healing doesn’t happen in isolation, it happens in relationship. In the presence of people who are safe enough, steady enough, and willing enough to walk with us through the hard stuff. People who don’t flinch when we get messy. Who don’t demand we hide the parts still learning how to trust again.

Love isn’t the reward for healing; it’s the environment that makes healing possible.

But “healing in love” isn’t just about romantic connection or friendships. It’s also about the love we give ourselves...the kind that doesn’t bail when we mess up. The kind that tells the truth but stays kind. The kind that whispers, “You’re still worthy, even while you’re learning.”

Self-love isn’t all bubble baths and affirmations. It’s sitting with the ache instead of numbing it. It’s forgiving yourself for the times you settled, overgave, or ignored your gut. It’s choosing to stay with yourself instead of abandoning who you are to earn someone else’s approval.

Because if love is the space where healing happens, we have to be one of those safe, steady, willing people for ourselves too.

So, no...you don’t have to be fully healed to love.
You just have to love in ways that are safe enough to heal.

Gary Malone Counseling, PLLC

11/04/2025

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