05/06/2020
25 hours, pitocin, penicillin, partially-failed epidural, 2.5 hours of pushing, 3rd degree tearing, a catheter for 24 hrs afterwards.
But also: an amazing doula who massed my “window” and did everything she could with positioning to fight for my pain control.
But also: an incredible night nurse who listened to me so well, cared for me with grace, cried with me as my husband played “This Is Me” over the speakers 10 times, washed my newborn’s hair with gentleness unparalleled, and wheeled me to the recovery room with such care and dignity.
But also: a midwife who fought for me and for my son, who cheered me on through seemingly endless pushing, who called in reinforcements when she knew she couldn’t do this alone, who cried with me 2 weeks later at my follow up appointment as we debriefed how hard my labor was for both of us.
But also: a husband who was there for every moment, even though he would say he felt helpless and so unsure, who put together an amazing playlist that I didn’t even think I would need, who stayed strong for me, right beside me the whole time, in a room full of women who took charge and carried me through.
Birth stories matter. Your journey matters. It wasn’t until I sat with my midwife two weeks later, both of us crying because of the trauma we had experienced together, that it really hit me: my labor had been REALLY hard. My baby had been sunny-side-up and very stuck for a very long time. My pain control was poor and I begged to give up so many times. As the doctor stitched me up she kept saying “oof, I’m going to need another pack of sutures” and “I wouldn’t look down here for a while if I were you.” It was traumatic. All of it. My son came out with a head so incredibly misshapen that the nurse covered it with a hat within 30 seconds saying “don’t worry, that should go down in the next 24 hours, no need to look at it now.” I cut my own cord. I was terrified to p*e.
I still cry sometimes when I really sit with my birth story. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
As we continue to walk through week, I want to encourage you to sit with your birth story.
What feelings does it bring up? Are you surprised?
If you gave birth to your baby, how does your body feel when you think about your birth story?
If you adopted your baby, what is your story of being birthedas a mother? What were your feelings on that first day?
