Bonnie Healey LCSW

11/27/2025

“maybe the problem is poor communication”

You know, one of the things that makes me panic as a therapist is when a good person sits in front of me and says “I don’t know where to find friends” or “I don’t know where to find a partner”. It’s a panicky moment for me because I never really know what to say. I am extremely lucky that I still have friends I’ve known since middle school and high school. But I have such a hard time telling adults who are starting over, adults who just moved to a new area, all really good people – I have a hard time telling them where to just go find friends and where to go find partners. It can be so hard to form lasting connections as an adult.

When we have a chance to form a lasting connection with someone now, whether it is a platonic or romantic relationship – we really need to protect that relationship as long as that person isn’t actually harmful to us. No one says they have to be your forever person or their your best friend, but protect the connections that you have. Go the extra distance to understand them or to let them know when you need clarity. Walking away from people is the easiest thing to do when there’s a conflict, try working it out instead, though. A little extra effort to preserve the relationship will help keep one more connection in your life. What’s the alternative? Let the connection go and then go out into the world and see if you can replace that connection with another one? I hate to say it, but it’s just not that easy. There’s no guarantee that people really are as replaceable as we sometimes assume they are in the moment. There’s a conflict and you let them go in the moment, I get it that in the moment you feel peace. But wait a few weeks or a few months without that person in your life. Do you find yourself wondering what they’re up to? Did you immediately find someone else to text with all day? Is there a bit of regret that a conflict you could have worked through somehow grew into this enormous chasm that you don’t know how to cross now? Think about that last question, that’s exactly what happens when we let poor communication and the ease of letting go become our default reactions to conflict.

I believe that most of us are good people with good intentions. I believe sometimes we can all be misguided, I believe sometimes all of us make mistakes sometimes. I also believe that all of us are valuable people who are worth being protected as friends, peers, and partners. It takes a little extra work to get through a conflict and forgive one another. But it takes so much more work to start all over again, assuming you can find someone to start all over again with. When you choose to give up on someone, you’re also choosing to start over with no guarantee that you’ll have something similar or better later on. It’s a big decision to give some serious thought too.

When you let someone go, that phone doesn’t magically ring all by itself. When you give up on people, you don’t automatically get email invitations to go to all these different events with all these other people. There’s always going to be a hole that person leaves behind, and you have to decide if that’s a hole you want to live with. Sometimes it is, and sometimes you’ll find yourself filling that hole with peace and contentment. But more often than not, we realize later these holes have become absences that we have to carry with us because we’ve lost the person we gave up on in the moment, and it turns out that they’re just not replaceable after all.

11/12/2025

I love how the whole “Let Them” concept has taken off in the self-help arena! I’ve been focusing on it in my personal and professional lives, and I’ve noticed a really nice perspective shift in myself. Letting go of what isn’t good for us, letting people make their own choices, letting people go when it’s time to let them go and letting go of the negative emotions we feel when things don’t go as planned - it feels so peaceful!

I think letting go of people, situations and feelings is hard if we look at it as if letting go of unhelpful things means we’re letting go of everything - the whole experience, including the positive memories. But no, I believe you can definitely separate the good and hold onto that while you let go of the people, situations and feelings that aren’t working for you anymore. And once you do that, you’re going to feel peace like you’ve never known it before.

11/03/2025

Food for thought. Is AI therapy really going to replace the human therapist? Before we say, “of course not”, also remember AI is relatively new, and it’s only going to be improved. I’m not sure how I feel about that, to be honest. The future possibilities are a lot to consider.

For the first time, OpenAI has released mental health findings from its ChatGPT user data.

Publishing a report Monday on what it's doing to address increased scrutiny over its handling of mental health, OpenAI revealed that hundreds of thousands of users appear to be having emergencies each week.

Out of 800 million weekly active users, company data found that 0.07% exhibit signs of mania or psychosis, 0.15% have conversations that include "explicit indicators" of self-harm planning or intent, and 0.15% show "heightened levels" of emotional attachment to the chatbot.

From those percentages, you can estimate that roughly 560,000 to 1.2 million users engage in what OpenAI calls "sensitive conversations" on a weekly basis.

While the company has updated the chatbot to improve user safety, experts remain concerned about "AI psychosis," or users developing paranoia or delusions while using chatbots.

📸 : Getty

11/02/2025

What if taking care of others means we also take care of ourselves? As in, we cannot take care of others unless we take care of ourselves at the same time? 

I worded it that way for a reason. You see, a long time ago, I heard the phrase “you can’t love anyone else unless you love yourself first”, and it completely turned me off. So people who are healing from something and just learning how to like themselves can’t share love with anyone else until they’re done healing? I thought that was ridiculous, we all deserve love no matter where we are in healing ourselves and in learning to love ourselves. So phrases like that always bothered me - you can’t do this with other people until you do it with yourself first.

But over time, I saw a variation on this concept that made it finally make sense to me. What if you share yourself with other people while also caring for yourself in tandem? You can care for others, you can show up for them and support them while you’re still in the process of learning how to care for yourself too. You can do your best for others while you’re still learning how to be your best for yourself, and I think this is something a lot of the “givers” of this world need to hear more often. A lot of good people use the act of giving as a way of helping themselves feel better and heal from pain, but when all they do is give to others, they end up compounding their existing pain. That’s why a lot of people who build their lives around caring for and giving to others have challenges with depression. After we give ourselves away to everyone else, the emptiness we feel when there’s nothing left is depressing.

So what if we made a compromise? Give yourself others while also giving to ourselves at the same time? Provide emotional support to others while also receiving it ourselves. What if you give to others only when you have a plan to simultaneously give to yourself or better yet - to have someone else give to you? Your cup won’t be empty if it’s continuously being filled while you’re pouring out to others.

I used to stop there, as if knowing I needed to take care of myself was all I needed to make a helping profession work for me. How wrong I was… I know now that many of us need to know this, and then put a conscious, planned effort into making sure we are also taking care of. I learned that just knowing I need self-care wasn’t going to make it happen all by itself. It’s important to have a plan, and then it’s important to periodically check on your plan to make sure it’s still working. I will write things like this out, and then I’ll save what I’ve written so I can refer back to it when I need a reminder. Here are some things to think about in a plan to take care of yourself while you’re taking care of others:

1. Who will love and take care of me on a consistent basis? Write out the names of people you have in your life right now who you can count on to love and care for you.

2. What can I do to give myself the same love and care I give to others? Write out things you can do to feel loved and cared for, and consider resources you have in the present – not what you hope you’ll have in the future.

3. When can I receive the love and care that I need? Literally come up with an agenda for this. I like calendars and daily planners, and I like to schedule time that will be specifically and solely for taking care of myself. Schedule times to eat out with a friend and plan a positive conversation with them. You can also schedule times to go out in nature with a plan to focus only on taking in your surroundings. If you actually make a commitment to pen and paper, or if you put it into a calendar app on your phone, you’re more likely to follow through with a self-care plan as opposed to telling yourself that you’ll do it when you get a chance. Without a scheduled plan, it’s too easy to let life keep happening and find that months have gone by where you’ve ignored yourself.

I think learning how to love and care for ourselves can be a lifelong journey because we’re going to find that as our lives change, so will our needs and so will our abilities to make sure our needs are met. This is why we can’t get complacent on this, and we also can’t make compromises and ignore what we need for ourselves. And remember – the people that you’re trying to take care of also want to know that you’re being taken care of as well.

Our minds were never built to carry the full weight of everyone else’s needs. When we try to manage it all — the decisions, the emotions, the planning, the fixing — our brains enter a constant state of alert. The body follows with exhaustion, tension, and emotional fatigue. 💭

Neuroscience shows that the brain needs recovery time to regulate stress hormones and restore balance. Without it, the circuits that help us focus, connect, and feel calm begin to wear down. Sharing the mental load and giving ourselves permission to rest is a way to keep our minds, bodies, and lives from breaking under a weight no one was designed to hold. 🌿

Sometimes, you need to be selfish. Your mind depends on it. It is not indulgent to put yourself first. 🩷

11/02/2025

10/29/2025

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10/29/2025

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10/17/2025

How awesome is this? Look what the Rutgers University School of Social Work is giving me for FREE since I’m an active practicum instructor. Yes, even while deployed, I can still make it work. It hasn’t been easy for sure, but I’m really glad for the relationships I’ve developed and the ability to pass on my knowledge to students is like coming full circle in my career. Working with Rutgers has been such a great experience - they have a strong MSW program, and the staff and faculty have been wonderful. I’m looking forward to the class and very thankful for their investment in practicum instructors!

09/26/2025

09/23/2025

09/18/2025

Gaps in resumes are - in my opinion - becoming more and more understandable and acceptable. And speaking as an employer, I don’t see anything wrong with a gap - and I also don’t think it’s really my business WHY there’s a gap in someone’s resume. But let’s consider why there are gaps in resumes sometimes:

1. You were burned out from a job, took time out for self-care and maybe to plan a pivot in your career. What I hear as an employer is that you are proactive in managing your stress and in deciding how to reduce your stress in the future.

2. You were a stay at home parent or you were a caregiver for a loved one. What I hear as an employer is that you value your family and you take care of those you are responsible for.

3. You had a gap year during, before or after college. What I hear as an employer is that you are pacing yourself as you grow, and you are collecting experiences that lead to further personal growth.

4. You weren’t sure what you wanted to do. What I hear as an employer is that you chose to take the time to find a job that was right for you.

5. You couldn’t find a job despite your best efforts. What I hear as an employer is that you tried to find a job, you didn’t give up - and you’re still not giving up if you’re sitting in front of me asking for a job.

I’m telling you, the people who have gaps in their resumes can turn out to be the people you most want to hire. The reasons why we have gaps and what we are doing during those gaps can say so much about your character than you realize. So I’m not worried about the gap in your resume - not at all!