08/16/2023
Tony Attwood’s work has been incredible through the years. In the below conference, he addresses a frequent topic that comes up in therapy. Check out his insightful graphics.
10 Things You Need to Know About Your Autistic Partner
Introduction
Maintaining a fulfilling relationship with an autistic partner, whether in a dating context or a marriage, can provide unique challenges that enrich your understanding of love and connection. While your autistic partner may have initially displayed intense interest, you might notice them seeking more alone time or communicating their emotions differently. In this post, we delve into ten aspects of understanding your autistic partner, enabling your relationship to thrive.
1. The Value of Solitude
Your autistic partner faces challenges in social interactions that can lead to exhaustion. Solitude becomes their essential means of recovery. An autistic woman once described it as needing an hour of solitude for every hour of social engagement. The strain of social events multiplies with more people, especially certain individuals. Conversations with you often factor into their daily social capacity. Engaging with friends and family during the week or weekend can result in overwhelming fatigue. Solitude isn't just a preference; it's a necessary coping strategy to prevent depression and burnout.
2. Passion: A Source of Renewal
An autistic partner aptly stated, "Art is as vital as oxygen to me." This emphasises how immersing themselves in an all-encompassing interest isn't just a pastime; it's a replenishing sanctuary. Amid a society that emphasizes conversations and socializing, understanding their need for deep involvement in interests like work, model trains, art, or motorbikes can be challenging.
Embracing this need for intense focus is a genuine act of love in an autistic relationship. Whether you engage in their passion or explore your own, fully embracing this form of escape and rejuvenation without guilt is essential. Nurturing these unique interests enriches your connection and creates an environment where both partners can thrive.
3. Honesty: A Core Trait
Your autistic partner's unwavering honesty is a notable strength that fortifies the foundation of trust in your relationship. However, it's worth acknowledging that there are instances where a gentle "white lie" might resonate better with non-autistic partners.
Consider moments when a compliment on your appearance or perspectives could deepen your emotional connection. Expressing praise often strengthens relationships. While their dedication to truthfulness might occasionally seem to overshadow relationship dynamics, remember that their intent isn't criticism. Their commitment to honesty reflects their unique way of offering support and expressing love.
4. They may not be able to talk about feelings or an inner world.
Autism often coincides with a condition called alexithymia, which essentially means a lack of words for emotions. When you inquire about their feelings, their inability to articulate them likely stems from their challenges in verbalising and recognising, not a reluctance to share. Expressing genuine thoughts and emotions is particularly demanding for an autistic individual, owing to alexithymia and struggles with self-reflection – a characteristic of autism.
This difficulty in self-disclosure might create emotional distance in the relationship, leaving you desiring deeper emotional intimacy. Understanding these nuances can aid in fostering a stronger connection despite the barriers to discussing inner feelings.
5. Love Expressed Differently
Autistic individuals display love and empathy differently, as brain scans revealed that when they express feeling love and affection for someone, different areas of the brain are activated than for non-autistics. The empathy circuitry of the brain is also working differently. While they do feel love and empathy, conveying these emotions might not align with conventional methods, leaving you yearning for connection.
Affection could be demonstrated through practical actions, like tidying up, instead of the typical eye contact, verbal expressions, or physical touch. Embracing these distinct displays of affection enhances understanding and strengthens your bond.
6. Sensory Sensitivities
Your awareness of your autistic partner's sensitivity to everyday noises and discomfort with specific lighting is just the surface. The depth of how profoundly the sensory world affects them might be underestimated. Coping with the distress caused by the pain and stress of certain common sensory experiences consumes a significant amount of their daily energy, leaving less for your relationship in the evenings.
Tactile sensitivities, whether hypo (too little) or hyper (too much), can even extend to the bedroom. For instance, light touches might be excruciating or bothersome, while deep pressure could be soothing. Acknowledging these sensitivities and their energy demands enhances your comprehension and paves the way for a more considerate relationship.
7. Navigating Change
Autism often brings challenges with change, even in minor aspects. Your autistic partner might have masked this trait, but as your connection deepens, you could observe their discomfort with variety and aversion to surprises. Understand that their reliance on repetition and specific routines isn't about annoyance or control, but rather a means to find solace and manage the complexities of life. Recognising this aspect fosters empathy and a more harmonious partnership.
8. Social Gatherings and Quality Over Quantity
Social gatherings can be challenging for your autistic partner. They might consistently opt out of attending gatherings with friends and family, leading to feelings of offence. During such times, you might experience a sense of isolation when socialising.
It's important to understand that their avoidance isn't aimed at rejecting your loved ones, but rather stems from their inclination towards less frequent and more intimate social interactions. Particularly with unfamiliar faces or large groups, like at parties, they might feel less motivated. Prioritising quality over quantity in socialising is significant for them. Your understanding, acceptance, and support in this matter can strengthen your bond and create a more comfortable environment.
9. Perspectives Differ due to Neurology
Being autistic is not a choice and it is certainly not an inferior way of being or a character fault. Being autistic means that an awesome brain is working slightly differently, especially for being able to read people and make inferences about what they want, expect, or need from you quickly and innately. When your autistic partner does not read your verbal or nonverbal communication accurately, they are not trying to be uncaring or obtuse, they are simply missing the cues because their neurology does not make it easy to read them. Even when you have explained your perspective fully, they may still struggle to fully understand and accept it. An autistic partner can seem at times extraordinarily single-minded and egocentric about certain topics, and it is important to keep in mind that they are not being selfish, they are demonstrating difficulties with perspective-taking, because of their different neurology.
While challenges in communication and perspective-taking can arise due to neurological differences, both non-autistic and autistic individuals can work together to bridge these gaps.
In communication, it's important to remember shared responsibility: understanding how neurodiversity plays a role in communication and recognising that effective interaction relies on clear expression from all parties and active listening for accurate comprehension.
10. The Art of Camouflaging
Your partner might be concealing parts of their identity and emotions as a means of survival. However, this camouflage can lead to exhaustion, diminished self-esteem, anxiety, and even depression, distancing them from their authentic self. This struggle could leave both you and them questioning their true essence.
Amid this process, irritability and a need for solitude might become more common. Camouflaging, while intelligent, requires careful balance. Your autistic partner needs an environment of safety to shed these layers and reconnect with their genuine self. By providing this understanding and security, you play a crucial role in their journey towards authenticity.
In Conclusion
Your autistic partner has some unbeatable and deeply lovable personality qualities, possibly including honesty, commitment, loyalty, inquiring mind, creativity, and a compassionate heart. However, they still can sometimes drive you crazy and leave you wondering why you are in the relationship. An autistic brain is one that works differently, and in verbal, intelligent, autistic adults this can cause confusion for their partners. Understanding and accepting your autistic partner in the ways we describe above may give your relationship the best chance to flourish.
Where to from here?
On the 25th August 2023, we are presenting a live webcast on Autism in Couple Relationships. This live webcast aims to equip participants with knowledge and strategies for increasing relationship satisfaction where one or both partners are autistic. We recognise and celebrate the qualities of both partners and present strategies commonly found to help improve neurodiverse relationships. Tony and Michelle draw on their extensive experience in autism and couples counselling to present this event.
https://attwoodandgarnettevents.com/product/webcast-event-autism-in-couple-relationships-25-august-2023/
