Real Life

11/18/2015

Well, now I consider the lessons learned.

I am reminded how it is that we are creatures bound to our self image, and that sometimes little things can hurt both ways.

And I am reminded that there is a distinction between physical pain and emotional pain, and a distinction between labeling our behaviors, and judging.
Even ourselves as well as others. As simple as saying "this is what you did," rather than "you did this to me."

And even as I tell myself "to hell with propriety, I am going to say what what I feel like saying," our cultural sensibilities would cause us to recoil when approbation is turned on its head. Men are supposed to be strong, but then accused of not being sensitive.

But no. This is where I am.

Blame, guilt, excuses, complaining, and judgment are irrelevant.

Be angry at the sun for rising.

Anger is part of who we are, part of grieving,
and essential for healing.

Life is life, and beautiful in all of its chaos and pain.

11/11/2015

I just wrote this, for someone who is hoping that I get better:

Better is a matter of degrees, you know.

The externals are manageable, the wound slowly healing, brief periods as I do my best to care fore myself between sleep and sleeplessness, doctors and hospitals and medication.

But the underlying myalgia still slowly tears at me daily, every waking moment is the effort to keep taking one step at a time, yet even as I hold on to the magnificent beauty of life I wonder if I can keep going, often wondering if I even want to keep going.

I can only try to hold on to whatever is good, and hope that love makes a difference.

11/01/2015

Thank you, Claire.

"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."

10/22/2015

From the Red Book, Page 55 (translation of text above image:) One word that was never spoken. One light that was never lit up. An

06/20/2015

And now it is time

04/02/2015

“Grief is not one thing. It is a shorthand word for a complex, time-varying experience that is unique for each person and each loss.”

What is complicated grief, and how does it differ from depression?

03/31/2015

the amazing fire within the flesh
that leaves only agony when it is gone,
much more beautiful
than all the temporal trappings
that are mistaken for love.

03/21/2015

not your morning aches and pains.
not something you can tell yourself to get over.
and no, it is not something you did to deserve this.
why sometimes I want to take the positive affirmations
and shove them somewhere

01/26/2015

Having old friends is cool.

01/26/2015

Expectations -

11/14/2014

FB: What have you been up to?
RBC: Thinking.
Like anyone with trauma in their life, I constantly deal with memories of little things I regret or feel ashamed of. Stupid little things that really have no bearing on my life right now. I have adopted a new strategy for coping with these thoughts.
Tell them all to go to hell.

09/10/2014

By themselves, anger, and even hate are still part of who we are, you know. What you do with the feelings is a different matter. Step one is to accept the feelings and not feel guilty. Once you can separate yourself from self-judgement you can look at the ego attachments that drive compulsive or destructive reactions.
There is a place for righteous anger, which will lead to compassion for those whom you see trapped in illusions. But compassion does not require accepting or even tolerating someone else, including their beliefs, behavior, or their actions.
Fighting anger leaves us fighting ourselves, and what might be a totally rational response to unfairness and misunderstanding. Remember, when you are also fighting physical and emotional challenges, and physical pain.
Feeling guilty about anger does you no good, either.