Real Talk Therapy PDX

07/07/2021

06/25/2021

When I first came across this photo, I chuckled. Clearly it was meant with a spirit of levity. But then it got me thinking of some conversations I’ve had with clients who really struggle with fears of how others are supposedly judging them, or their bodies, or what their bodies say about them.

Sometimes these fears come from memories of truly hurtful words that have been said. Sometimes they’re mere assumptions fueled by popular culture. But regardless of their origin, these fears are almost always projections.

None of us can get inside another person’s head. Many of us try too hard to do so. But our assumptions are skewed by many cognitive distortions:

The Spotlight Bias is the name for our tendency to feel like all eyes are on us, and generally overestimate the extent to which others think of us at all.

The Negativity Bias and Disqualifying the Positive are mental habits that draw our attention toward cues that we could use to reinforce our negative existing beliefs, while dismissing or distorting evidence that something else could be true.

When we assume we know what others are thinking, we are Mind Reading. Very often, what we assume we know about others is actually something we ourselves believe and are Projecting onto them. And when we assume others know what we ourselves are thinking and feeling, that’s the Illusion of Transparency.

We’re also probably Catastrophizing - mentally blowing our fears out of proportion, obsessing, and allowing those fears to control our actions. Suppose your worst fears were true and so-and-so really did think such-and-such about you. So what? Who cares?

What I love about this cookie is that it reclaims the projection and decatastrophizes it. The fear loses its charge, and we can move on with our lives.

What projections are holding you back?

06/16/2021

What is life without having something you enjoy doing for the sheer pleasure of it?

This is not the same as consuming. Sure, it’s pleasurable to take in tasty food and stimulating media, and these things certainly have their place in life. But the pleasure we derive from such passive activities is short-lived and addictive. It doesn’t help us build strengths, skills, self-esteem, or stories worth telling. Nor does it generate meaningful memories, build character, or deepen relationships.

Having a hobby means you are harnessing the creative potential that dwells within each human being, discovering your own unique ways of expressing it, and allowing yourself to evolve throughout the process.

Having a hobby means you always have something fun to look forward to. You have something to fill your thoughts and attention other than useless worry - something to daydream about. You remember that your time belongs to you, life is precious, fun is a state of mind and heaven can exist on earth.

I believe there are a few key components of hobbies that we all need. Some of these can be found in a single hobby; others may derive fulfillment from having a menu of hobbies to choose from, each meeting different needs.

You need hobbies that are:

* Physical: activating your body.
* Sensual: enlivening your five senses.
* Manual: working with your hands.
* Mental: cultivating your thoughts and ideas.
* Outdoors: connecting with the elements.
* Indoors: to get you through evenings and inclement weather.

One of my favorite hobbies is gardening. It checks almost all boxes: it’s outdoors, and I use my body, hands, vision, smell, taste, hearing (eg. birds), and knowledge.

Another is piano. It’s an indoor hobby I can do in the dead of winter, using my hands, vision, hearing, and of course, creativity.

What do you do for fun?

06/08/2021

Efforts to de-stigmatize mental illness in recent years have helped remove barriers that once made people in need feel too ashamed to get appropriate help with their mental health. But have we gone too far?

Social incentives and disincentives play a huge role in shaping human behavior. It’s difficult to overstate this, but easy to lose sight of it.

We all need a sense of identity and a community to belong to. We want others to actively show us that they accept, support, and encourage us. We want to be seen as both special and ordinary. We’ve entered an era in which having a mental illness appears to offer a path toward exactly those things we long for most.

Or does it?

Read the rest of this article: https://stephaniewinn.medium.com/mental-illness-is-neither-a-mark-of-shame-nor-a-badge-of-honor-c2e61dd49261

06/07/2021

When we hear the word “vulnerability,” we often think of unpleasant feelings such as shame, embarrassment, doubt, sadness, fear, and insecurity. By contrast, the concept of “joy” is often associated with resilient exuberance. And that may be true in certain moments. But usually the momentary bliss of spontaneous unselfconsciousness does not last long before it is replaced by a sudden awareness that others are watching and reality still abides by its usual principles.

We may have been taught that joy is silly. That there is no time for childlike wonder. That our enthusiasm is irksome, our openness is a liability, our hopes are foolish, our delight is naive, our interests are unpopular, and our desire to play is unreciprocated.

Joy may perhaps be the most vulnerable of all human experiences.

06/02/2021

Wishing other people would change is an almost universal part of the human struggle. It often comes with a lot of pain and frustration. We release some of that fruitless struggle as we begin to accept life as it is, and people as they are. This maturation process brings lightness, serenity, and the freedom to move on with our own endeavors. It requires the humility to recognize we cannot fully know why things are as they are, or what purpose is being fulfilled by that which seems inane to us. It also asks that we maintain the dignity to validate our own way of being without needing the other to mirror us.

Let’s be clear: accepting reality as it is does not mean maintaining an uncomfortable position within that reality. If anything, taking off our rose-colored glasses enlightens and liberates us. We stop wasting our time and energy on argument, self-doubt, wishful thinking, and unfulfilling endeavors to cajole and coerce. We understand that, for all intents and purposes, “what you see is what you get.” We listen to behavior and take it at face value as an indicator of what we can and cannot reasonably expect from a given person. And then we plot our course accordingly.

Maybe this means someone is no longer in our life. Maybe it means we go “gray rock” to avoid further emotional entanglement with an otherwise unavoidable person. Maybe we mentally relocate “best friend” to “friend,” “friend” to “acquaintance,” “potential future spouse” to “not dating material after all,” “aunt I tell everything to” to “aunt I chat about weather and sports with,” “celebrity I admire” to “celebrity who’s done some great performances but isn’t a good role model.”

None of this requires the other’s knowledge or consent. It’s just a strategy to protect our own peace of mind. We form the right constellations around us as we choose the right proximity, angle, distance and clustering of our fellow stars in the galaxy.

Everyone is perfect just as they are, as long as you know how you want to position yourself in relation to them.

05/22/2021

I’m talking to you.

No, really. Not that wrong person over there. You, who are certain you are right. How do you know for sure?

This was the most important question anyone asked me in 2020. It sent me into a deep search for truth. It opened a willingness to question what I thought I knew and what was truly driving my beliefs and actions. I was surprised by some of what I found.

I can see now how absurdly arrogant it is to presume we are right, given that thousands of years of history are filled with millions of our ancestors who were equally certain they were right when it is now abundantly apparent just how wrong they were. Do you think you’re smarter than all of them?

05/22/2021

One of the hardest things about taking care of others is that often they don’t take care of themselves. Whether you tend to a person’s body, mind, or heart, in your professional career or personal life, it’s one thing to offer others your compassionate attention and skill. It’s another to see them repeat the same self-sabotaging mistakes over and over, and then come to you to get patched up. It can become exhausting.

We all like to be effective and make a difference. Physically creative labor can be immensely gratifying. The sight of a finished carpentry project, garden, or painting represents a day well spent and a job well done. But what about when your labor involves human beings, with all their faults and foibles? On the one hand, it’s not your job to control them; if you try to, you’ll be met with resistance, resentment and rebellion. On the other hand, it IS your job to “help.” But how do you help those who aren’t presently ready, able or willing to help themselves?

People in need are understandably, temporarily self-centered. They have to be. And if it’s your career, you’re getting paid for your encounters to be completely focused on them. But one downside is that you aren’t being recognized for what it’s like to invest your own heart in your efforts to alleviate their suffering... and how helplessly pained you may feel when it becomes evident how much of that suffering is self-inflicted.

05/20/2021

We’re accustomed to lying. Technology exponentially enables our preexisting proclivity to curate an image of who we are, what we believe, and how we act. Who we think we are is often disconnected from reality and the laws of nature. When we enter our bodies and step into the wildness of the world, our self-deception isn’t of much use. In the words of Andrew Bird, She - Mother Nature - is obliged to no one, and certainly not to the fickle whims of our human egos. The desire to avoid this rugged confrontation is understandable, but indulging it comes at a cost. Our bodies and minds are themselves part and parcel of nature, and subject to her laws. Ill fortune, disease and death come to all of us. The longer we ignore reality, the more harshly it will eventually hit us.

05/20/2021

05/19/2021

I was feeling a bit down today, so during my lunch break I stepped out into the garden and picked medicinal herbs and flowers as a reminder to be gentle with myself. Currently steeping a tea of these fresh cleavers, calendula petals, lemon balm, rosemary, borage flowers, red clover blossoms, motherwort, and rosemary.