03/13/2026
Gaslighting Disguised As Clinical Sophistication: An Excerpt From My Substack Essay "Gabor Maté, SAND, Misogyny, Patriarchy, Gaslighting, & Un-Compassionate Inquiry"
I wanted to publish the conclusion of my Substack essay about Gabor Maté and SAND, which is mostly behind a paywall. Because I don't want everyone to have to pay $5 in order to read it. That wasn't the point. The point was to give some protection. But you don't have to read our emails to get the point. This message is the part I really hoped Gabor would read- and comprehend- and take in so behaviors can really change and repair can happen.
Here's the end of the essay.
"Let’s spell out the problem here, folks. What happened in that email exchange with Gabor is not just a difference of therapeutic models. It’s not simply a disagreement about language. And it’s not a neutral semantic clarification about what counts as a “feeling.” It’s a textbook example of gaslighting disguised as clinical sophistication. It’s not just Gabor’s Compassionate Inquiry model that can be used to gaslight when you’re legitimately upset. People can use Non-Violent Communication to gaslight (“You’re not following the format!“) They use IFS (“You’re blended and not speaking from Self.”) Or they one up you by quoting some teacher. “But Eckhart says…” “But Ram Dass says…” “But Alan Watts says…” But Adyashanti says…” “But Dick says…” while altogether ignoring the content of your legitimate upset.
Enough with one-upping us legitimately upset females with the words of white male power!
Gaslighting happens when someone shifts the focus away from the impact of their behavior and toward questioning the validity of the other person’s experience. The goal- conscious or not- is to destabilize the person who was hurt so that the original issue disappears under layers of debate, analysis, questioning of perceptions, and self-doubt. And that’s exactly what happened with me and Gabor.
Instead of responding to the relational impact I named, that I felt frightened, shut down, and overrun in the interaction, that it triggered a part who was relentlessly bullied by old, white, male doctors in medical school, Gabor redirected the conversation into a technical correction about language. Suddenly the topic was no longer the behavior on the call. The topic became whether the words bullied, attacked, or invalidated qualify as “real feelings.”
This maneuver does three things simultaneously. First, it recenters the person with power, in this case Gabor, the Compassionate Inquiry model builder. The moment becomes about protecting Gabor’s reputation and one up status, rather than tending to the person who was hurt, in this case, me. Second, it reframes the injured person as confused, mistaken, and somehow getting it all wrong. Your experience is no longer something to be acknowledged; it becomes something to be analyzed, corrected, or debunked. Third, it subtly pressures the injured person to doubt ourselves. In my case, I did wonder if I’d misperceived something. I still do. Zaya said I’m distorting reality when I spoke on behalf of a part that felt betrayed by my sister, who sat back and said nothing, who did not back me up or call out Gabor for bullying and then gaslighting me.
So am I distorting reality? Am I completely living in another reality than the three of them? Have I lost my mind? Did my mind just make up that email that’s in my inbox, even now, word for word? Maybe I used the wrong word. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe the problem is actually my perception. Maybe my perception is false.
But that’s what gaslighting does. It makes us question ourselves, wonder if we’re crazy.
Anyone who has been in a psychologically manipulative relationship will recognize this move instantly. It’s the power move where someone says, “Your interpretation of what happened isn’t accurate.” And any ethical person will pause and wonder, are they right? They make you question your perception, while the power move functions as an effective derailment of accountability for the person doing the harm.
Because here’s the truth. If someone says they felt bullied by you, the most relational response is not to debate whether “bullied” is technically a feeling. The relational response is curiosity. “Oh wow. You felt bullied by me? I would never want to overpower you, but I hear that’s how you felt. Tell me what that was like for you so I can do better next time.”
That moment of curiosity is where repair becomes possible. When that curiosity is absent, models of therapy can become weapons of intellectual superiority. They allow someone to appear psychologically sophisticated while avoiding the simple human act of empathizing, of caring about harm done. This is one of the hidden dangers of trauma-informed language in spiritual and therapeutic spaces.
When We Weaponize Models Meant To Heal
Any model, no matter how brilliant, can be used defensively. Internal Family Systems can be misused. Somatic therapies can be misused. Attachment theory can be misused. Polyvagal theory can be misused. Non-Violent Communication can be misused. And yes, Gabor’s model can be misused. When these frameworks are applied to invalidate someone’s immediate emotional reality, they stop being healing tools and start functioning as instruments of “power over” someone who’s been hurt, someone with a legitimate protest.
Because real compassion never begins by correcting someone’s vocabulary. It begins by hearing and validating whatever truth you can find, even if the words are imperfect and muddled. It begins by recognizing the person’s humanity, by caring, by empathizing, by acknowledging real pain, whether the words are precise or not. Instead of Gabor asking me, “What hurt you about that interaction?” the move was to say, essentially, “Your description of what happened is not psychologically accurate.” There was no compassionate inquiry, no curiosity. Just deflection wrapped in therapeutic language.
And unfortunately, this pattern is not rare in the trauma-healing world. In fact, it’s one of the most painful dynamics many survivors encounter when we enter spiritual or therapeutic communities. People who already doubt our own perceptions- because trauma trained us to- are told once again that the problem is our interpretation of reality, that our words are wrong, that our perception is questionable, that our emotional framing needs correction. That the cis, white, hetero, male doctor knows best and the woman better shut up and stay silent, know her place, keep her mouth shut, protect his image.
And that’s patriarchy.
In other words, my experience, our experience, is not quite trustworthy. That is the essence of gaslighting. It’s not necessarily malicious or intentional, but it’s profoundly destabilizing all the same. And when it happens in communities that claim to center healing, compassion, social justice, and trauma awareness, the impact can be even more dizzying and disorienting. Because the language of healing becomes the very tool used to silence the wound.
So let me say this clearly. Someone telling you they felt bullied by you is not a clinical puzzle to solve; it’s a relational opportunity. And in that moment, the most powerful thing anyone—therapist, teacher, doctor, guru, or spiritual leader—can do is incredibly simple.
Pause. Take it in. And say something like, “I’m so sorry for my behavior. You matter to me. I don’t want you to feel frightened, intimidated, or shut down around me. Help me understand what happened for you so I can learn, empathize, and do things differently.”
That’s what accountability looks like- not perfection, not ideological purity, not winning the argument about therapeutic terminology. Just human humility- the willingness to let someone’s pain matter more than your need to be right.
Until the trauma-healing, spiritual, and self help world learns how to do that consistently, even when it’s uncomfortable, we’re going to keep retraumatizing vulnerable people, repeating the same patterns we claim to be healing.
I’d love to hear from you. Please share your stories in the comments below. How have you been gaslit after being harmed, all in the name of spirituality, self help, communication tools, or trauma healing?
