08/24/2020
Hurts and Failed Apologies Muck Up Our Relationships
That’s true, so what’s someone to do? In my workshops, couples often ask about hurts that regardless of the number of times the transgressor has apologized, the hurt partner is unable to accept it. What inevitably happens it that whenever the couple get into a conflict the hurt partner brings up “the hurt over and over again. The hurt partner is not open to the transgressor’s apology and the So how do couples move beyond these kinds of hurts? Transgressor is frustrated, stuck and often freezes afraid to make another move on the issue.
The transgressor often asks the hurt partner, “what can I do to make this right with you”.
The hurt partner generally responds in a couple of ways. First, they may say something like, “if I have to tell you how to apologize, you’ll just be saying my words back to me and you really won’t mean it”. Secondly, they may respond by saying, “I just want you to apologize like you mean it”. I’ve found the transgressor generally means what they say in the apology but it’s just not landing with the hurt partner. In reality, neither partner knows how to make an apology that brings forgiveness.
None of us is taught how to make apologies for really hurtful events. What we do learn from our families growing up may not be helpful. For example, I learned how much it hurt when someone didn’t apologize for hurting me. It made an erasable imprint on my brain. Consequently, in that moment, I made the decision to do apologies differently. So, I found myself apologizing for things for which I was not responsible. Also, not an effective method.
So, what does it take for an apology to open the door to healing and to forgiveness? The short answer is it takes time. And that is true. More to the point it is how you work to make the repair during that with time.
So, here’s how to make an apology that makes room for forgiveness. First, the transgressor must ask the injured partner to share with them how they felt when the injuring incident occurred. The transgressor must be open without defensiveness and ask questions about how the injured partner felt during and after the incident. The injured partner needs to share fully with lots of detail about the event without blaming – just sharing from the heart. Secondly, the transgressor really listens and takes in his/her/their partner’s sharing, he/she/they are often very hurt to know how deeply they hurt their partner as they hear the impact on their partner. Thirdly, as the transgressor really feels the impact of his/hers/their actions on his/her/their partner. The hurt partner begins to see his/her/their partner is in pain because he/she/they caused pain to them. It is this last piece of the partner being impacted and hurting because of his/her/their actions that opens the hurt partner to a willingness to forgive.
Sometimes multiple conversations are needed, especially with major hurts. There are often layers of hurt that need to be witnessed by the partner. If the couple are dealing with a major breech of trust, they will need the assistance of a trained Emotionally Focused Therapist. Research has shown the method used in Emotionally Focused Therapy can successfully lead couples to forgiveness. Often these very couples have stronger, more loving and connected relationships have the healing process.
Apologies can make a difference when both couple members are open and share transparently with each other. It’s a lot of work and it’s worth it!
How Did You Learn to Heal Hurts? Share here.
