05/11/2022
Awww, this! š„°
When I was 3, my parents divorced. For 13 years, I went back-and-forth, spending one week with my dad, then one week with my mom. In so many ways, it was like I had two lives existing in different worlds.
My mothers house was (and still is) the place I felt cozy. There was a predictable rhythm, daily rituals, beauty. To me, those things feel like home to me.
Rhythm says āYouāre safeā
Rituals say āYouāre heldā
Beauty says āYouāre lovedā
This year I spent Motherās Day alone with the kids, while Noah was away on a 10 day work trip. While he was away, I did what I do ā ran a tight ship. I was organized, we were on time, the house stayed beautiful, and things were mostly smooth.
Itās like that because if itās not ā if things get too piled-up or chaotic ā I donāt feel good. And, because when youāre doing it alone, there are things you just have to do to stay sane.
I used to judge myself quite a lot for being so particular ā spending my time picking up bits of lint, fluffing pillows, straightening picture frames, adjusting the lighting. I used to judge it as controlling, mostly because thatās how other people saw it.
But the truth is, for me, itās rarely driven by an inner anxiety. Instead, itās most often fueled by my deep love.
Itās my way of loving myself, my family, our home, and our things...
Youāre safe.
Youāre held.
Youāre loved.
Iāve come to acknowledge and appreciate that it comes naturally to me to manage a lot, to hold a steady rhythm through it all, to weave beauty as we go.
And as I embrace this way of being, softening the judgment in my heart, the expression of it can be more whole-hearted. All the fiddling and tending can create greater intimacy, rather than less.
And through all of this, I feel a vast appreciation for my incredible mom. Because I learned it from her.
Because she is a weaver of beauty. Because she was a single mom for some time. Because she had to. Because itās how she says:
Youāre safe.
Youāre held.
Youāre loved.
Happy Motherās Day (every day), Mama. I appreciate you endlessly. ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø