12/15/2025
Lots of emotions the past couple of days. Ryan has been coming closer at this time. His final threshold time.
Ryan was very misunderstood. I saw him. He loved that about me and it terrified him. He asked me to marry him as soon as I moved in with him. I declined because I sensed it was out of fear. Fear of leaving me without anything. I didn’t want that to be the reason. He first told me he loved me when he was sleeping. He literally said it over and over to me while he was asleep next to me, “Lisa.. I love you.. a lot..” 😅
Ryan often had a tough front, but I was truly one of the most sensitive people I knew. He had Asperger‘s which he didn’t tell a lot of people. He preferred telling people that he was diagnosed with covert narcissism over that. I guess it made them seem more like the bad ass alpha he lived to be.
Ryan, our time together was way too short. I don’t regret dropping everything to support you for one second. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. You taught me so much. You were tough on me and led me back to my own toughness. You encouraged me to always be strong. You helped catalyze me into firming my material foundations and you expanded my knowledge of all things psychedelic a hundredfold. Most of all, and loving you, I learned to love more purely and patiently. I will cherish you forever for that.
Your body is gone, but your soul always lives in my heart. I love you. See you in the liminal 🫂♥️♥️♥️♾️