03/25/2023
What if Cassen dies?
A question that came over me in the grocery store this morning. It wasn't the first time. We had just been joking, and flirting, and I had finished running circles around him like a horse in the frozen food aisle, biting him as I did. We chuckled, and I hung from his neck. Telling him just what a gift every moment with him is in my life.
As I stepped away smiling, the question hit me. What if Cassen dies?
The inevitability of the occasion in question is not in question. We're all going to die.
But there's more to look at than meets the eye here. You see, this question is the remnants of what used to fill up my mind, time, and energy in previous relationships. It's there because I've done away with so many lies, that it's an inevitable truth that creeps in every great once in a while. There's always something to fear!!!!!!!!!!
You know what I'm talking about right???
🫢 Does he see my flaws? My big tooth?
🫣 Will I be accepted if I'm all of me?
🤫 Will I be judged if I share my whole truth?
🤪 Do they think I'm being too much?
🫡 Is he going to leave me?
🙄 Is he lying to me???
😶 What does that behavior or action say about me?
🥰 Does he wish I was someone else?
😲 AM I WANTED? ENOUGH? AM I OKAY?!?!?!?!!!?!?!!?
Whatever it is we spend time fretting about inside points the way directly to those places inside you that can only be filled by your love and acceptance of yourself. And often some growing. No one can EVER, NEVER EVER
👉 want
👉 love
👉 appreciate
👉 see
👉 understand
👉 value
you enough to fill those pits.
We live with a choice in every moment. Choosing whether or not to be overcome with upper limits to how good we are willing to feel. How close we allow ourselves to get to others when there will be a day they will cause hurt or devastation- their death. And whether or not we look to the world as a reflection to prove to us we are okay. And sometimes the only fears left are ones that will come true.
But we choose whether or not to live in fear.
For me, I choose in. Choose to recognize where I am not yet fully free. The places I get to hold myself in.
Yes. Someday the love of my life, my partner, my beloved, will die. And it will hurt like I can't imagine. And I choose to live in love, leaning into and learning from my fears, and know that when that day comes- I loved him with all I had.
🕰 Our countdowns have already begun…