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Katie Miles, LMFT, San Diego, CA (2025)

11/24/2020

What are you wired to run away from?
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Our brains are constructed with the same systems: our hind brain (fight flight freeze/ automatic functions) or top brain (judgement, problem solving, critical thinking), our limbic system (behaviors and emotional responses).
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But our personalities, shaped by a mixture of genetics, environment and experiences, wire you differently from the person next to you.
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This shows up as differences in motivations, and character strengths and weaknesses.
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Personally, I’m wired to run away from anything uncomfortable and am motivated by novelty and fun. How does this play out for me? Well, pros and cons! I love “figuring things out”, creative, and bring positive energy. I also procrastinate, have trouble planning, and can get bored easily.
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You might be wired to move towards “getting things done”, and are willing to sacrifice fun and comfort to do so. Who knows!
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Understanding your personality is fun (who doesn’t like taking those buzzfeed quizzes!) but truly understanding how your wired is really helpful for managing personal obstacles and capitalizing on strengths.
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I know how I’m wired, and I use that to my advantage. For example, if I need to do a mundane task, I motivate myself with a playful activity when I finish. I’m also more readily able to recognize when I’m running away from discomfort, and use coping skills to turn towards what’s important.
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It also allows for me to have compassion for who I am. I don’t label myself as “irresponsible”, I say “oh that’s my personality lighting up!”.
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Have you ever taken a reputable personality test?
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Check the link in bio for one of my favorites! (It’s not the enneagram, though that one is a fav, too!) @ San Diego, California

11/19/2020

“You’re totally overreacting” never feels good to hear.

But let’s dive into why this might be happening.

We store memories and experiences in ourselves like a filing cabinet. Now imagine a label maker that marks them into categories and charts: “times I’ve felt embarrassed” “times I’ve felt invalidated” “times someone was lying to me” “Times I failed”.

If you haven’t had the resources or time to sift through these charts, rework them, learn from them, and relabel them, you are going to have the experience of an “overreaction” when another file gets added to that chart. Why? Cause adding that file is basically opening up that chart and letting all the past contents spill out.

You are reacting to all those past experiences. So is it really an “overreaction”? Or a signal that you got some triggers to work through? I say the latter.

If you find yourself overreacting, this could be happening. Therapy is an amazing space to reorganize that filing cabinet.

10/15/2020

I have watched this skill TRANSFORM even the most difficult arguments in session.

How many times have you and your partner, or friend, or family member- spoken at each other in a loop of sharing, accusing, defending, correcting and denying?

Using this technique can allow for both of you to speak more clearly, identify what you need/want, understand, and validate.

Use this whenever a subject is heated or sensitive!

Drop a 🗣 if you could use this skill! I’m happy to share more!

10/09/2020

This is your new dating mantra!

This perspective comes from an attachment lens. When looking for a partner, it’s about finding someone who is *willing* and *readily able* to meet your attachment needs.

But too often, we ask ourselves, “Am I loveable enough? Cool enough? Chill enough? Do they want me?” And if they don’t, we say “I am too much”.

Well cut that crap right now! Not everyone is your match. But changing your fundamental self to match someone else will not lead to a satisfying relationship. Instead, look for someone who is able to meet your relationship and attachment needs. And be clear about those needs from the get go.

You deserve it!

Drop a 🔥 if this feels like the mantra for you!

09/30/2020

If this is you today, you aren’t alone Here’s some tips...
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It’s perfectly understandable for us to feel distracted, anxious, spacey, disheartened or straight up kooky. You can laugh, cry, stare into space or all three.
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If you are itching to feel grounded here’s what I recommend:
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• Engage in some activity today. Doing yoga, going for a walk or run, or dancing around a bit will get you back into your body and less spacey. Plus, endorphins.
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• Do something that makes you feel GOOD. Fill your reservoir. Read a book, talk to a awesome friend, play for a bit, listen to your favorite songs.
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• Practice self- compassion. I promise you, you are NOT alone in feeling this way. Literally, the whole country is with you. No one is on task today.
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• Distract if it gets too much. One of my favorite things about being a therapist is when I’m in the “room” with a client, I am so focused on them that it’s a reprieve from my own s**t. Find something like that for you!
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• When you’re ready, take some control back. Make a plan for voting. Study your local government. Donate to a organization you support.
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This is super rough, ya’ll. It’s okay to not be okay. Reach out to me if you need some support here!👇🏻👇🏻

09/18/2020

A pivotal part of repairing and moving forward after a fight is validating the other persons experience.
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A lot of us struggle with this. Mostly because we feel like validating their side means invalidating our own. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The main thing to realize is that validation does not equal agreement. More often than not, we have a different perspective or experience than our partner. Neither one is wrong. In fact, each persons view is true in their own reality. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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In order to get to a place of mutual understanding and problem solving, it’s important that each partner feels heard and understood. Otherwise, you get trapped in a battle of realities that isn’t going to get you anywhere.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Now I know, I KNOW, that doing this in the moment can feel SO hard! So I’ll be sharing some things you can say and do in order to facilitate this!
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Turn your post notifications for my account on so you don’t miss it! (Three little dots above this post!)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

09/11/2020

Fighting isn’t the problem, but not repairing after the fight could be!
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Conflict is a natural part of relationships, and in truth, we are all going to mess up and let our human show! We yell, we take jabs, we stonewall.
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calls these “Regrettable Incidents”. Fortunately, there is a five step guide for repairing the time we fight.
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Going through these steps each time will bring you closer, and will continually help you the next time you but heads.
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What do you think about these steps? Let me know and ask question in the comments! 💛
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09/08/2020

Yes, it IS important to ask for your needs to be met.
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AND, expecting one person to meet every single one of your needs leads to chronic disappointment. Why?
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There’s no way your partner is equipped to manage everything you have, want and ask for. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t for you or that the relationship is flawed.
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Instead, we all need Social Diversity. This means we have a group of safe people (family, friends, mentors) that we can turn to when our partners aren’t readily available in that moment, or when they aren’t equipped to meet a specific need.
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It’s up to you to decide what needs you prefer to get met by your partner and seek those out from them!
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What are your thoughts about this? Ask your questions below!

08/27/2020

Vulnerability involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure- but it also builds intimacy!
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We’re humans, were messy, and we get hurt. As a result, it can feel too scary to be vulnerable in relationships. Check out my last post for ingredients you need in order to have vulnerability in a relationship (safety is #1!).
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Today I’m sharing ways you can increase vulnerability in your relationships through your conversations.
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Vulnerability requires you to share your mental state. Gain clarity over your own feelings and then express them clearly, using I statements.
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It’s easier to be vulnerable when your partner is able to catch it and respond. Help them out by telling them what you are looking for in the moment! They’ll feel more confident, and you’ll get needs met.
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Vulnerability needs safety. Dedicate yourself to listening, validating and supporting your partner to create a safe space to talk about difficult things.
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And lastly, work your way up! This take practice, and you’ll slowly gain your footing and confidence the more you both share and catch each other’s vulnerabilities.
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And obviously, couples therapy is a beautiful place for building vulnerability together!
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What do you think about these steps? Let me know in the comments!

08/14/2020

How well do you recognize yourself?
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Our worlds are full of doing. Doing work, doing the dishes, doing “to-dos”.
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Our worlds are full of messages. Cultures messages, religious messages, media messages, your friends and families messages.
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Between the doing and the the flying messages, it can get hard to separate ourself from the noise.
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The foundation of building a good relationship with ourselves is to sit still with ourselves. Stop your doing and sink into your meaning. Sit with your feelings.
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speaks about this in Untamed: “Life is alchemy, and emotions are the fire that turns me to gold. I will continue to become only if I resist extinguishing myself a million times a day. If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming.”
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Do you know how to sit with yourself? What obstacles do you run into?
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Looking for more?
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📋 Link in bio for therapy services (CA Resident only)
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💻 Journaling Courses for STRESS, RELATIONSHIPS, and PERSONAL GROWTH available on

08/11/2020

It’s hard to build healthy relationships if we aren’t tending to the relationship with ourselves.
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It can feel like a lot to mend this complicated self relationship, but these six tasks can have you knowing, trusting and bonding with yourself soon.
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I talk a lot about building joyful and connected relationships with your partner, family and friends. Here’s are some couples therapy tips for the old me, myself and I relationship!
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•Daily Reflection: take time each day to reflect on how you are feeling. Journal, do a body scan, sit quiet for a moment. Doing so builds self awareness and centers us.
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•Needs & Desires Check in: Based on your reflection, is there something or one you need and desire? Are you craving anything today? This week? How can you meet that need for yourself? Meeting Needs prevents burn-out and builds self-love
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•Keep promises to yourself: if you want to get up earlier, set an alarm and don’t snooze. Wanting to take on a new hobby? Buy that longboard and commit to learning. Keeping promises to ourselves creates trust and confidence.
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Set Boundaries: clock out of work at a set time, say no to the thing you don’t want to do. Setting Boundaries fosters self respect and empowerment.
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•Know your Values: Look through a list of values, like values list and do a values rumble. What do you care about? How do you want to be? Knowing your values give you a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
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•Date Yourself: do you want to go to the park? Take yourself there, take a picnic! Cook yourself a nice dinner. Treating yourself to dates reminds you that you deserve love, time and attention.
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Which one of these will you try today? Let me know below!!

08/06/2020

Stages of anxiety show up in more relationships than you think!

Here are some tangible skills you can use in the moments of anxiety with your partner, friend or family member.

Slide through for a savable graphic and read on!

•Call it what it is: if you’re anxious, name it. Name it to yourself and name it to your partner. They can’t read your mind, and you can’t address something you can’t acknowledge

•Explore Why: Journal, reflect, meditate on what the source of this is. Are you feeling disconnected? Ignored? Insecure? Is there a specific event or behavior you can link it to? If your partner is willing, talk it out with them, if not, do some personal reflection time and then come back.

•Communicate Explicitly: resist dancing around it. Share what you’ve learned in reflection, and be as specific as possible. You don’t have to be perfect, you just need to be clear and honest.

• Ask for what you need: do you need to hear something from them? See a behavior change? Ask for something you want to see happen, that will speak to the source of your anxiety.

•Soothe: depending on how this goes, you can soothe together, or, you may need to soothe alone. Do something that will help your anxiety or any other subsequent emotions that popped up during and after this.

I know it feels safer to pretend it isn’t happening. But that typically leads to the fire being bigger next time it comes around.

Looking for more?

📋 Link in bio for therapy services (CA Resident only)

💻 Journaling Courses for STRESS, RELATIONSHIPS, and PERSONAL GROWTH available on @ Mission Valley

Katie Miles, LMFT

11/24/2020

11/19/2020

10/15/2020

10/09/2020

09/30/2020

09/18/2020

09/11/2020

09/08/2020

08/27/2020

08/14/2020

08/11/2020

08/06/2020

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