09/02/2025
I started going to therapy a few months ago…for the first time in 8 years. Why now, after all this time? Well, let me backtrack a bit first👇
The truth is, therapy traumatized me. When you’re told over and over that your autistic traits are “your eating disorder talking,” when you’re forced to rest without giving your fight-or-flight energy anywhere to go, and when you’re threatened as soon as you don’t eat what’s put in front of you, you protect yourself. You close yourself off because vulnerability feels too dangerous.
I’ve worked a lot on myself over the years. I’ve read books, written books (which is very therapeutic in its own way!), had my experiences validated, and have validated others’ experiences. I’ve connected with the kinds of people that I didn’t even know existed, and my energy has coalesced with souls so similar to my own there’s no words to describe it.
And at the same time, there’s been a lot of trauma I’ve been too afraid to touch. A lot of family stuff, but also the fear of confronting my own consciousness.
If you’ve been reading my emails (livlabelfree.com/join) and listening to my podcast over the past half year or so, you’ve likely noticed I’ve been talking a lot about feeling trapped. More specifically, I’ve been experiencing what I call existential claustrophobia.
This sense of alienation in my own body has led me to operate in a constant state of escape. Constantly traveling. Constantly distracting myself. Constantly trying to not feel the constraints of this human body costume.
But then I read a quote that shook my soul: Wherever you go, there you are.
And there I was, exposed. Faced with the existential questions that have plagued me for life, with one question standing out like a tall sunflower in a barren field: Who am I beyond the identity I’ve come to define myself by?
I don’t know. So that’s what I’m currently exploring with my therapist – and I’ve shared some of my discoveries in my latest podcast episode on the Fear of Emptiness (available on all platforms!)
