http://www.heathercatherinecarter.com/link-in-bio

Heather Catherine Carter, San Francisco, CA (2025)

02/28/2024

People use belittling tactics to evade, deflect, and gaslight their partners.

The best way to do this is through texting.

The toxic person hides behind texting to demean, detach, and deflect.

These belittling tactics are used to take the focus off of your needs or if they cheated or not...

To focus on you and get you off balance, feeling crazy, and begging for more.

To do this, they use belittling tactics.

+ Criticism

Comments or criticisms that make you feel insecure, focusing on the negative and designed to create self-doubt.

+ Trivializing

A remark that trivializes your feelings, thoughts, experiences, or accomplishments, making you feel unimportant, invalidating your feelings or downplaying them.

+ Discounting

Bringing up past mistakes or failures: this will keep you stuck and unable to move forward or improve. It is negative and disempowering.

+ Manipulation

Speculation over a circumstantial situation: fabricating something to paint an unflattering picture of you.

+ Undermining

Questions about someone’s judgment or competency: this is a way to discredit or attack your faculties and make you feel inferior or incompetent.

+ Condescension

Shaming, embarrassing language: this is meant to make you feel foolish, self-conscious, flustered, or humiliated.

+ Insults

Demeaning comments that make you feel inferior or worthless.

+ Put-Downs

Comments designed to elicit guilt or shame: this could be a form of emotional blackmail that makes you feel obligated. "If you keep asking me if I cheated I am done with you."

Belittling is a covert form of manipulation and abuse that happens gradually.

02/27/2024

A co-committed relationship rests on several intentions agreed on by both persons. If you are willing to make the following commitments but your partner is not, you might be in a codependent relationship.

1. Each of you commits to complete closeness and to clear up anything that stands in the way. The intimacy begins when two people agree they desire closeness and are willing to clean up and heal their barriers.

2. You must commit to yourself healing and development as an individual. You cannot have ultimate closeness without being entirely separate. The more fully developed and healed you are, the more easily you can give and receive healthy love. In a healthy, co-committed relationship, space is as crucial as closeness.

3. Commit to revealing yourself fully in the relationships, not concealing yourself. A major shift happens when we reveal who we are and stop concealing.

4. Commit yourself to the empowerment of people around you. In codependence, you enable other people to be ineffective. In co-commitment, you enable them to be powerful. So much can be accomplished when you and your partner commit to mutual growth.

5. Commit to yourself that you are 100% responsible and the source of your reality. You are not a victim if you participate. Unconscious loving feeds on victimhood, which can only exist when people are not taking responsibility for what is happening to them.

We can be victims of abuse, gaslighting, and people taking advantage of us. But as long as we keep going along with it, nothing changes.

Ask yourself why you keep going along with the abuse, the disrespect, and being taken advantage of.

Are you willing to risk being alone?

In unhealthy relationships, people are firmly committed to...

*Power struggles: who is right/wrong, whose problem is it, who's having a harder time...

*Caretaking-doing everything for a partner and getting little in return

*Cleaning up the other's messes, financial, and internal, conflicts with others

*Cooking three meals a day, massaging the partner's feet...acting as their mother, and wondering why they take no responsibility

02/26/2024

We believe if our partner would give us what we want (the solution), our problem would go away.

We suffer when we expect people to give us what we want.

Suffering is an unmet expectation.

And when you expect people to help you get what you want and you don't get it, you feel fear.

What do we want from our partners?

+ Attention
+ Validation
+ Support
+ Trust
+ Love
+ Respect
+ Commitment
+ Safety
+ Affection
+ Understanding
+ Success

We know we all want these things, but when you grow up in environments where you were never given those things, you don't feel you can trust that you're good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or worthy enough to be given these things.

So when conflict arises, all your fears are brought to the surface.

You think the conflict is about finances, kids, s*x, you name it, but that adult conversation doesn't happen because your inner child was triggered, and suddenly, your latent wounding and fears creep in.

The adult wants to feel______ instead the wounded inner child feels______

Safe: in danger
Connected: disconnected
Accepted: Rejected
Worthy: worthless
Trust: mistrust
Significant: unimportant
Wanted: unwanted
Commitment: abandonment
Understood: misunderstood

Instead of finding a solution, we react by:

* Withdrawing
* Blaming
* Criticizing
* Using sarcasm
* Throwing tantrums
* Projecting
* Invalidating
* Fleeing
* Being passive-aggressive
* Manipulating
* Controlling

You can stop at the moment and ask yourself or your partner:

P1: I know you are feeling very upset right now. What is upsetting you?

P2: I am afraid of losing you...I feel invalidated...I feel insignificant...I feel disconnected, and it is causing me to feel anxious.

P1:
*Why do you think you are going to lose me?
* How can I help with those feelings?
* Have I been ignoring you?
* What do you need from me?

It's about taking the emotional reaction to the fear out of the equation and fixing the symptom of the root problem.

What is the symptom?

Anxiety.

The root problem is inner child wounding.

02/25/2024

Should I stay or should I go? You're thinking about leaving your relationship.

You've hoped love would be enough.

You believe you have worked to resolve the issues in your relationship, have you?

You may have tried to accept things as they are.

You keep agonizing over the possibility of leaving.

The choices are:⁣
⁣
1. 𝙏𝙤 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙮 𝙞𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙥, and seek help. Recommitting to it free of doubt, free of holding back, free at last to pour your love and energy into the relationship, and find and sustain the love and connection you desire and deserve.⁣
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2. 𝙏𝙤 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙥, finally liberating yourself from it, free from confusion pain, free at last to get on with a new and better life. ⁣
⁣
You sit in relationship ambivalence when you're stuck, not knowing which choice to make. I deal with this all the time. ⁣
⁣
The problem isn't that you don't know what's happening; you are having trouble sorting it all out. ⁣
⁣
People see more than one difficulty in every problem.

They're trying to find solutions for ten things instead of the actual problem.⁣
⁣
There is only 𝙤𝙣𝙚 problem, not many.
⁣
People come at me with, "he does this, she does this, oh, and that too, and her family, and his friends, and we don't agree on this..."⁣
⁣
While all those things are true, they keep you stuck in ambivalence—𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙞𝙧𝙨𝙩 𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙥 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙙𝙚𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙮 𝙤𝙧 𝙜𝙤.⁣⁣
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We live in an age that promotes self-awareness but fails to show us how to use self-awareness to make good decisions. ⁣
⁣
My goal is to help you rediscover the value of your own experience.
⁣
The choice you discover will be one you feel good about after you make it and better and better about as time passes. It will be a choice that leaves you free of regret. ⁣
⁣
I tell my clients that we will either come to a reconciliation or a successful separation. ⁣

When you start planning to leave, the thoughts start creeping up, "Will I be able to afford my life? Will I find love again?"

It's not helping.

Asking friends and family does not help.

The pros and cons list is good if you're buying a car or making a career change, not determining your marriage status.

I ask my client/s 15-20 questions when they need clarification on whether they want to save the relationship.

The answer to the first question, "When things were at their best between you and your partner, would you say they were really good?"

I have had people tell me the only time it was good was on the honeymoon, and they didn't want to marry this person in the first place.

One person told me they knew they made the wrong choice when their husband pulled out a tarp on their wedding night and put it on the bed.

I can't make this up!

Not much here to work with.

Most of the time, it's not so cut and dry. But their answers point me in the right direction.

I can fix what's broken, but I can't fix what never worked!

02/24/2024

Divorce can be hell. It is confusing and tiring; most people think they're divorcing for one reason, but in reality, they're divorcing for a totally different reason.

People cannot understand why people stay married for 10, 15, or 20 + years and then divorce.

I see why, over and over, a true divorce is against our false self.

When we married, for many, the contract was made by their needy and dependent inner child.

One person grows, the other stays stagnant, and the person who grew sheds the mask they wore when they said, "I do."

When one person heals and grows, they cannot live as their inauthentic self a moment longer.

They finally find their true identity, uncover who they really are, and are no longer operating from the inner child but as the adult.

The only way a relationship works is when there are two adults.

Two inner children make most marriage contracts.

If one heals and begins to operate out of their adult self, but their partner still operates from their inner child, the healed partner becomes the parent.

The parent/child relationship is nearly as reactionary as the duo of inner children.

The reactions create the disconnect.

To stop the reactions, you must get to the root of the problem.

In our 20s, we are just learning who we are.

We will change; hopefully, we will grow, heal, and become wise.

When neither partner grows, it will be a disastrous, mediocre marriage where the fights will escalate, or you will end up living with your roommate.

To make it work, you and your partner need to grow together.

The partner stuck in their reactionary patterns and comfort zones feel betrayed.

We cannot feel betrayed because another person has transformed and found themselves.

The choice becomes for the other partner to heal, or they will separate and divorce.

The narcissist hates when their partner heals and finally says, "No more."

I have helped many people walk through a divorce with a narcissist. It gets ugly.

When we are not taught to self-regulate, understand, and process our emotions, we will eat, drink, gamble, shop, or s*xualize them away.

When one partner decides they will no longer use coping mechanisms or are sick of the unrest, the other partner will try to sabotage their efforts.

Suddenly, the partner that is not growing is feeling threatened.

They no longer feel safe or like they belong and will do whatever they can to pull their partner back into the drama.

The hardest thing for the healing partner is to stay the course and not get sucked back in while gently guiding their partner to healing themselves.

Instead of saying to their partner, "Can we talk? I am feeling left out and disconnected?"

They become critical and put down their partner and efforts.

During this time, I have to guide my client on dealing with the attacks that will surely come while staying on course and doing my best to save the marriage and help the partner who is not participating in healing.

12/07/2022

Surrendering to the truth hurts; otherwise, we wouldn't deny reality for as long as we do.

We'll stop lying to ourselves and our ways when we're strong enough to face the truth.

When denial runs our life, it's because we're facing the loss of something we're not prepared to lose.

So, for example, losing our marriage or relationship and all the dreams that come with it is a significant loss, not something that comes easy.

And facing it causes a lot of grief.

So we want to control the loss or make whatever is happening stop.

Our attachment behaviors are normal, automatic reactions to certain events. Usually, those events involve loss. Recovery involves learning to do the opposite of what we think we should do.

For instance, instead of trying to get someone to love you more and stop cheating or lying, or whatever toxic behavior they are doing, so you don't lose the relationship, we learn to let go, detach, and take care of ourselves.

Healing is the only way through.

Looking within and ackno,wledging that our reaction, behaviors, and need to control is not working.

For immediate help click the link in my bio and listen to my podcast or download my freebies.

Take action, any action to get to where you want to be.

12/03/2022

Will he ever stop the affairs?

"Barb" sought me out because she discovered "Al" was having an affair.

"Barb" did not want the marriage to end, primarily because of finances & the children.

Barb found out about the deception through a friend.

Al denied the affair; we later came to find out he had two, and continued to gaslight Barb until the proof could not be denied.

She told me she stayed because of the kids-which is not a good idea when the kids are witnessing fighting, no love, and chaos.

I said, "He's been this way for 11 years. Nothing is changing, nor will it until it is harder for him to stay the same than change."

Barb said, "I keep thinking that if I can get him to see how much he has hurt me and the kids he will stop.”

Barb is operating from a false belief about being able to control another's intent and behavior.

I asked her, "What happens when you try to get him to see you and your hurt through empathy and compassion?”

Barb said, "He shuts down, shuts me out, yells, and won't talk to me."

Barb was staying because she was hoping she could find some way to change Al.

And that hope dies hard for many.

We want to believe we can find some way to change our partner and their intent.

Barb was ready to work with her inner child to heal her codependent ways, and Al was still closed off to any personal responsibility; therefore, no change would occur.

Barb and I began her healing journey.

I explained that as she heals, her need to control & her reactions will change.

Either Al will be ready to heal himself, or she will have a choice to make.

Barb did end up leaving.

She later found out these two women did not know about her.

She was the crazy ex.

He was living 2 different lives while she was drowning in sorrow.

Al tried to get Barb back; that ship had sailed.

You deserve more than being the crazy ex or the other woman that is also being lied to!

It’s time to unleash your power!

I just dropped a podcast that details 14 questions to ask yourself when deciding if reconciling with the cheater is a road you want to travel.

Click the link in my bio to listen now!

12/01/2022

There’s nothing worse than loving someone and they don’t love you back the way you deserve to be loved.

+ Abuse is not love: emotional, verbal, or physical

+ Jealousy is not love

+ Lying is not love

+ Not making you a priority is not love

When was the last time your partner asked you, really asked you what you need?

What are your troubles?

What’s bothering you?

Such a small question, and initially met with sorrow because so few people have ever thought to ask them that, especially their partners.

One of my client’s had a husband that would regularly ask, “what the f**k do you want?”

And she finally had the courage to say, “I want you to leave.”

You’re more than enough.

And your healthy, secure, and loving person is out there.

Click the link in my bio to access free PDFs, my podcasts, and to join my newsletter.

All will provide some immediate relief!

11/27/2022

If you find yourself jealous of other people ask yourself, “what makes me feel less than others? When did this start?”

•Parental abandonment wreaks havoc on the inner child.

•Being criticized over and over as a child makes one very insecure.

•Growing up with parents that don’t tell the truth harms the child and makes them feel less trusting which creates insecurity

•Having a parent or parents preoccupied with making sure the child behaves a certain way, or not letting anyone know what is really going on because it would reflect badly on them creates low self-esteem.

•Having an overly controlling parent creates deep insecurity and lack of self-love in a child.

Humans act awful when motivated by insecurity! ⁣
⁣
Arrogance is characterized by having an exaggerated sense of importance or abilities.⁣
⁣
Arrogance is almost always a form of overcompensating for what the individual sees as a personal flaw or lack in his own character. Usually, this starts in childhood. ⁣
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Insecurities are also built when you see that somebody else has “something” that you don’t. ⁣
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Instead of having the ability to be happy for that person, you become jealous, and feel sorry for yourself for NOT having that certain “something”. ⁣
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It could be material, it could be a quality, or it could be as tangible as not looking as good as someone else.⁣
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Your defense mechanism becomes ARROGANCE.⁣
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Arrogance feeds off of the feeling of failure, envy, or frustration of not having that one thing that someone else has.

You believe you don't have the ability to get it. You feel you're not good enough or worthy.

So you hide the feelings of shame behind arrogance.⁣
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If people you love and care about insult you or make you feel inadequate, realize they're operating out of arrogance and ignorance.⁣
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Arrogance is not only a sign of insecurity, it's a sign of immaturity.⁣
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Mature and fully-realized persons can get their points across, even emphatically without demeaning or intimidating others. ⁣

Mature and healthy individuals are truly happy for others when good things happen or their dreams come to fruition.

Guess who is the most arrogant of all?

11/24/2022

And here we are, Thanksgiving 2022, and my gratitude list is slightly different this year.

Of course, I am most grateful for my children.

And I will never be able to convey in words the gratitude and love I have for them.

It is immeasurable, eternal, and in a way, incomprehensible.

Here is my 2022 Gratitude list:

*Happiness is a choice, and I am grateful to choose happiness every day. Of course, there are downtimes, but I never sit there.

*My resiliency. Without resilience, you won't survive or thrive.

*My biggest fears have already happened, and I beat them. I know I can fight through anything.

*My hope. I never lost or lose hope. Hope is the cornerstone of life.

*My love of self. Self-rejection keeps us foggy and living as a fraud.

*I have let go of guilt & shame. Those two things equal pain.

*I stopped complaining years ago. Complaining is simply expressing dissatisfaction. Some never seem to be satisfied; the chronic complainers. And they tend to ruminate on problems and focus on setbacks over progress. Many will stay stuck for a lifetime.

*I learned to surrender to God. Surrender is brave. It is letting go of control.

And I knew quickly that surrendering, allowing, and trusting God to take care of things I tried to control were better off without me and my control.

*I live in alignment with my value and moral system. In turn, my relationships are secure, safe, and loving, and my life is more positive and open.

*I healed the roots of my tree. As a result, I stand tall; I can weather any storm and bring love and peace to all around me.

*Finally, my clients and students. I love them and care for them as a family without rescuing them.

They, in turn, will find gratitude for everything I mentioned above.

I am grateful they put their trust in me and gave me more happiness than they could imagine.

Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours!

11/23/2022

A great relationship isn’t always crystals and rainbows. ⁣
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A relationship isn’t one where two people are smiling, laughing, and hugging all the time.
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But above all else, it should always be authentic.⁣

And if there's continued lies and deceit, the relationship does not stand a chance.
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In a relationship, there is real work to be done. ⁣
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Real work can only occur in the presence of 𝙍𝙄𝙂𝙊𝙍𝙊𝙐𝙎 𝙃𝙊𝙉𝙀𝙎𝙏𝙔! ⁣
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We all long for that but are afraid of honestly communicating with another person because we think they’ll leave us if they see who we really are.⁣
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I recently worked with a couple, and I called out one of them and said, “𝙔𝙤𝙪’𝙫𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙙 𝙫𝙞𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝙞𝙣𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙘𝙝 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙣𝙚𝙧 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙𝙣’𝙩 𝙛𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙚𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙡𝙮 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙥. 𝙔𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙪𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙡𝙖𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙙 𝙪𝙥 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙚𝙜𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙘𝙧𝙪𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚.” ⁣
⁣
And then the flood gates opened! ⁣
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A lot of communication came gushing out. ⁣
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The other partner's mouth was wide open. ⁣
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At that moment, their relationship was reborn. ⁣
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If you're not honest about your hurts, unhealed parts, and deepest fears, why not?

11/21/2022

What are the personality traits of the emotionally immature parent?

Let's start with the traits of emotionally mature people:

+They're comfortable and honest about their feelings
+They get along well with other people
+They have deep, meaningful relationships with friends, family, and coworkers
+They cope with stress in a realistic, forward-looking way while consciously processing their thoughts and feelings
+They can control emotions when necessary & adapt to reality
+Use empathy & humor to ease difficult situations and strengthen bonds

The emotionally immature parent/s narrow situations down to fit their unhealthy coping skills.

+They have a preoccupation with ideas, they can communicate their ideas, but they're only comfortable if things stay on an impersonal level and you don't dispute them
+They don't experience mixed emotions-their; reactions are black & white
+If their child is exuberant and happy, they may suddenly change the subject or bring in negativity.
+They shut down and run, blame, deflect, avoid

What is conflicting for the adult child is they might have overwhelming evidence they were taken care of physically, but the lack of emotional security is glaring at them.

Their anger is real.

Communication is difficult or impossible for children and adults with emotionally immature parent/s.

And the anger is not petty or irrational; it is a biological response to feelings of hopelessness caused by emotional disregard.

Feeling dismissed or unseen creates emotional separation.

When adults realize they have been emotionally abandoned, their anger & anxiety can be understood for the first time.

You are not overreacting.

It is a normal response to an emotional injury.

You can begin to heal when you understand that any adult child would feel angry and sad if a parent walked out or refused to respond and was emotionally absent.

The worst thing to do is internalize the anger.

But you don't want to express it in passive-aggressive ways with behaviors much like your emotionally inept parent/s: lying, delaying, avoiding, & running.

You run the chance of becoming just like them.

Click the link in my bio for freebies!

Heather Catherine Carter

02/28/2024

02/27/2024

02/26/2024

02/25/2024

02/24/2024

12/07/2022

12/03/2022

12/01/2022

11/27/2022

11/24/2022

11/23/2022

11/21/2022

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