05/04/2019
First I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE who has reached out to me this year and especially on Jessica’s Birthday.
I know I’m a week late in posting this.
Thank you to those who have made me feel understood even when they probably didn’t, forgiven my irrational moments, my many melt downs etc etc etc.
Thank you to my dear friend Nicole who sent this video to me today. As it very much hit home with me and inspired yet another novel! This is my new friend at my new job in my new town with my new house, my new life but who has been walking with me daily (as none of that stuff has changed the fact that I have been a mess) and some how gets this new person.
Sometimes I think God sends you people to fill a void you never felt would be filled again (which it won’t be filled in the same way ....) but in filled in a new way. Sometimes a much healthier way. Maybe God just knew it would take a fresh person to be able to handle the weight of me! Lol
I really had planned on sending out an a message on Jessica’s Birthday to let everyone know that even though a full year had passed I hadn’t forgotten the kindness shown to us over the years and that I have plans to pay it forward. I wish I could go back to every email, volunteer, fundraiser attendee and supporter, friend and family member individually and let them know their kindness wasn’t taken and just forgotten but there wouldn’t be enough time in the last year to do so.
How blessed were we that the numbers were so great. I will be posting in the future my new pay it forward for brain injury. As now I will not be the person receiving but hope to be the person who helps those who maybe have fallen through the cracks of our medical system or the family member who needs help. All was going to be on the new page as well. But I got as far as my bed that week. Guess having it as a real plan in my head is progress right?
I have also learned a lot about grieving this year. I remember looking at a Mother who lost her son years ago at a young age and my heart broke for her as I noticed it had changed how she viewed the world as a whole. And now I get that hurt and pain as we don’t have to learn to live without our children we have to learn to live without the future of that child and take on other life challenges while doing so.
I think of her often and feel bad that I dIdn’t do or say more. But we just don’t know what to do or say sometimes. And although I thought I could understand a bit more because of what we were going through back then, It was quite different.
As not ONE Day has gone by that I don’t cry over the loss of my sweet Jess. Yes I know she is no longer in pain etc etc but that truly doesn’t make you feel better while still here on this planet without them. Able to witness her peace. There will be no wedding, no helping her give birth, no holidays that will be the same and literally everything will not be as good. That’s the reality we face.
It has been almost like I finally had time to process 10 years of sadness, fear, anger, abuse etc. that I stored away so I could bring strength and a smile and fight to my daughter who I had to face every day and try to give her joy and hope and the best life possible in that moment. Never knowing fully if that was the last.
The brutality of the things I witnessed my daughter go through at the hands of others time and time again and then the finality of it all ....was overwhelming. Overwhelming doesn’t even describe it.
That was not supposed to be the ending after the fight she gave.
Amazing how that bit of hope we carried for so many years could hold so much ...you don’t realize how much until it is no longer there.
I know she remained with us for a reason and I still am grateful for that time that we got to hug on her and share daily life with her. I pray that she felt the same. I AM grateful that she no longer has pain or sadness but I wanted that to be a part of her story she looked back on and told her children about. Not a story we would share in heaven when all was done.
It has been a rough year mentally, emotionally and physically as I try and pick up my life ten years later with new big challenges and get back into the world 10 years later and 10 years older. Even the slightest of happy moment that comes it is followed by sadness as everything feels not quite as good as if had been shared with my daughter. I literally go from laughing or singing to on the floor crying in the matter of a minutes. Please know I DON’T say this for pity. I say this to hopefully help gain understanding. As I know I have disappeared to most and many people experience this when they have a friend who has lost a child.
For those who had expectation of me “getting better” behaving better etc and being more sane this year. I’m sorry to have let ya down but not due to lack of trying. Trust me!
I have been grateful to have found out that I am not alone. That it would be rare for someone to be all of those things under the circumstances. My son is great at reminding me of this.
Thank you to those who helped lift my burden of trying to “be better” and reminded me of that. I know for some of my friends they felt they hadn’t just lost Jessica but the Lisa they knew. I truly know that exists. I also am grateful for it as it has brought clarity through the pain. As pain often does.
So to those who have lost loved ones, have had trauma in their lives and to those who love them. I guess my hope and prayer would be that we learn to forgive and love each other through it like Jessica would. In patience and really the acceptance of never fully understanding what another goes through or how they experience something difficult but loving them anyway. (She was amazingly great at that even at a young age).
Even if that’s just appreciating the time that was had together and now ended.
I’m working on that too. ❤️
Although the week was spent missing you. Happy belated Birthday in heaven my sweet Jess.
https://www.facebook.com/29092950651/posts/10161763373535652?s=572828128&v=e&sfns=mo
