03/25/2026
You're not being disloyal if you say no and set boundaries. Putting up with abuse isn't an act of love--it's a symptom of codependency.
Emotional Extortion: Using Your Love Against You.
Substance use disorder centers around alterations in the brain's mesolimbic dopamine pathway, also known as the reward circuit. Once the pleasure pathway is stimulated, it creates irreversible changes in the brain. When this happens, dreams fly out the window to be replaced by som**hing far more insidious--addiction.
Addiction is a progressive, complicated disease of the brain/body that involves compulsive use of one or more substances despite serious health and family consequences. Addiction disrupts areas in the cerebral cortex responsible for reward, motivation, learning, judgment, and memory. Addiction seldom thrives alone and requires help to reach the end-stage. This help often comes from well-meaning family members, who don’t see their loved ones as addicted but who they were before substances changed them.
I had many helpers when I was using substances. Enablers, actually, although I’d never heard the term until I was in recovery. Enablers come in all sizes, shapes, ages, and colors. My boss, my friends, my spouse, my family. These folks weren’t intentionally enabling me. They were trying to help. But in the chaotic whirlwind of my addiction, my demands kept growing, and just as bedsheets wear thin, so did my pleas for help. I mean, seriously. How many times can a purse be stolen? My enablers grew weary of my stories –so many lies– and the consequences of my actions were adding up. My friends dropped off one by one, as I lost job after job.
I never thought of myself as a liar, as my need for drugs overrode everything else. It seemed okay – at least to me – that I stretched the truth. So I always had a good story ready when I called to ask for money. Maybe you’ve heard some of these stories too.
Our stories go like this;
I needed gas money to get to work. My car was in the garage, and I needed to pay the mechanic. I needed rent money because my purse was stolen (again). I needed to borrow money (I always said borrow, but I never paid it back) because my boss was late with my paycheck. There were many other excuses, but you get the idea.
As my addiction progressed, so did my stories. They went from losing my purse to being mugged. By now, my life resembled a poorly written reality show. Someone had broken into my house, stolen my belongings, and taken my rent money. I was jumped on the bus. I lent my friends money to help them out of a tight spot, but they never repaid me.
But the gig was up. My drug problem was known, and this changed the game somewhat. My stories became even more brazen as I desperately tried to convince my family to "lend" me money. Now they went som**hing like this: the drug dealers were after me. My life was in grave danger. If I didn’t pay them, they would break my bones or maybe even kill me. If that didn’t work, I’d turn up the heat. I’d bully my family and get ugly. I tried avoidance, threats, tears, and silent treatment.
Worst of all… I used my kids. I’d say they were hungry or needed clothes, or medicine. Then if I got money, I'd spend it on drugs, and I’d need more money…
In rehab, I learned I was an emotional extortionist—a terrorist of the worst kind. I used my family's love for me against them. I counted on that love and manipulated it to feed my addiction. The physical/physiological need to get high was greater than my morals or conscience. That’s how addiction plays out. Over time, it takes everything pure and honest and poisons it. I had no idea then how sick I’d become. Using drugs was just a tiny part of it.
I was one of the lucky ones. Not because of anything I did. But because of what my family did. When they stopped enabling me, I was left to face the consequences of my actions. It was those consequences that forced me to seek help.
To the person struggling with addiction, please reach out. Because the only way you can fail at recovery is to quit trying, and it’s never too late to start over.
To the family, there comes a time when you must decide that everything you have given or done is enough. Healthy boundaries allow you to love without being taken advantage of. It gets easier when you understand addiction isn't a singular illness but a family one. There is so much hope, and you don't have to wait for your loved one to see the light. Instead, BE THE LIGHT and lead the way! As statistics show, people struggling with addiction are most successful when their families are educated and in recovery.
