11/10/2025
Sharing in the hopes that’s someone who needs to hear this message reads it. 💔
Dear recovering addict:
I must have written and deleted this a million times. I've never believed that Facebook should be a diary but this will be the most personal message I've ever shared.
I want you to know what it looks like if you go back to active addition, if you dip your toes in the life you left behind, if you think that just one more time for old times sake is just that. If you find yourself in a position where you're not looking to relapse, just looking for relief, for reprieve. If you think you want to make that decision, if you make that choice I want you to think of this before you decide.
Youll lie to your partner about where you are because you know they would be devistated if they found out. Then theyll wait for you, theyll call, theyll text, theyll be mad youre late. Then your spouse will receive a phone call from someone at a hospital and they will be told "were not able to disclose the circumstances but your spouse is in critical care and it's important that you get here as quickly as possible."
They will be shown to your hospital room where the shock of seeing tube's and wires and machines all functioning to keep you alive will stop them in their tracks and they will fight the urge to hit the ground. They won't be able to breathe.
They won't hear anything the doctors say beyond "it looks like an accidental overdose, their tolerance for the drug had depleted because they had been clean, they didn't even know what was happening until it was to late."
Then they'll sit by your bedside praying to God, yelling at you, waiting for answers they don't want to hear. Then they'll get the answer. A doctor will say the words they never thought they'd hear. The truth is they won't hear anything except "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do." The doctor will talk, they will feel the weight of the world on their shoulders.
They'll be asked to make decisions they never thought they'd have to make. They will stand strong because they know that's what you would want. They will hold your hand, they will finally cry as the monitors are turned off, the tube's removed, the machines silenced and the curtins closed. They will sit by your side and tell you "it's ok, you found your peace. You don't have to fight any more. I'll take it from here." They'll lie to you as you take your last breath, they forgive you, they love you. You'll take your last breath and it'll feel like they've taken theirs.
The doctors will come back, they'll tell your partner "I'm sorry, they're gone."
Your spouse will take the longest walk of their life leaving you behind. They'll send the messages that need to be sent to the people who need to know. They'll ignore the dozens of calls. They'll get in the car, they'll drive home. They'll break down because they know what's waiting at home. The little faces, the unanswerable questions, the broken hearted children who will never understand.
The morning after you die your partner will wake up, your daughter will come downstairs as If she just found out all over again and she will cry out for you. The kids you loved that are old enough to understand will be so mad they blow up over a bag of chips. Then your partner will do the things they have to do because they have to be done.
They'll sit in a room with a well meaning funeral person who asks them to sign this and that and they really won't have any idea what they're signing until they hear the words "authorization for creamation." They will sign. They will die on the inside but hold it together long enough to leave. They'll get in the car and they'll break down. Maybe for the first time. Reality sets in. You're really gone. You're not coming back.
Theyll go home to a hoise, no longer a home. They'll walk over your shoes in the bathroom floor because moving them means you really aren't there to do it. You said you'd do it when you got home.
They'll wipe tears from broken hearted children while trying to hold theirs back. They'll look through photos and play every video they have on repeat with the volume up at 10 just to hear your voice.
They'll pick out your urn, they'll write your obituary all while feeling everything and nothing at all.
Then they will wake up a few days later and they will cry wondering why the life you had together wasn't enough, why they weren't enough. They'll blame themselves, they'll hate themselves, then they'll hate you, then they'll feel guilty for the stupid things. They'll make your coffee one morning before reality sets in and says "oh yeah. They're not here to drink that." Then they'll dump it out and break down with guilt over dumping your coffee out.
They'll leave your stuff untouched, they'll curse at you. They'll doubt their faith. They'll tell your children how much you love them how much you wanted to be there. Then they will fall apart when a heartbroken toddler asks "then why did they leave." They'll do their best to answer the questions they don't begin to understand themselves. They'll look through your phone, your wallet, your dresser, your everything trying to find something, anything that explains why all of this is happening. But they never will. The why's, the what if's, the life they thought was coming is gone. They'll try like hell to breathe but they can't.
Why would I share this with you? Because I want you to know. I want you to hear it from someone who's been there. From someone who held the hand of the man they loved as he took his last breath and never knew what he was doing.
If your demons are calling your name from behind a door you closed. If the people from a life you left behind start reaching out. Reach out to the people you love and the people who love you. The people who would spend every night asking themselves why they weren't good enough to overpower the voices of that life if you were to die.
Think about the way they will spend sleepless nights wondering what they could have done differently, where they failed you- think about what losing you would do to them. Think about the baby youd leave behind. Think about every first you'd miss. Think about the promises you've made the people you love. Think about the life you promised your spouse. Your kids, your family, yourself. Death is easy for the dead- they're just dead. The devastation left behind because everyone thinks that it could never happen to them. I'm living proof, the what if's, the why's, the what now's, all come full circle and if you're lucky you'll leave behind a partner who is strong enough to make sure you are remembered for battles you overcame not the battles you lost.
You are worthy of the good things that you have in your life, never let the voices tell you otherwise. If you need a reminder, if you need to hear it from someone. Reach out to me. I'll share my story, I'll share his story, I'll remind you of all you have to lose not because I'm angry, not because I'm hurt. But because I believe his story can and should be a testimony to inspire people who are on the fence. You are more than a recovering addict, you are a worth and powerful person and if no one has told you I will. I am so proud of you regardless of where you are in your recovery. 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years or 2 decades- fight the voices every day because no partner should ever have to figure out what to do with your tooth brush.
~Rachael
Written in memory of my husband Preston Daratt. He passed at 5:55pm on 10-25-25.
