09/09/2022
What’s wrong with being a people pleaser?
People pleasers often spent a lifetime acting in this way. By the time they seek therapy, they have realized that there’s something missing in their lives. They’ve often reached that point of exhaustion which comes from the constant cycle of pressure and guilt involved in being there for others all the time.
There’s often something far deeper going on, too. People pleasing behavior usually stems from low self-esteem. It’s almost as if there’s a higher value placed on the needs of others than there is on the needs of oneself. People who act in this way have often been raised by critical, demanding, sometimes narcissistic parents whose behavior towards their child has had damaging effects on their child’s sense of belonging in the world just as they are.
People pleasers have often grown up with the message that, in order to be deserving of love and attention, they have to act in particular ways. That, instead of being a given, they need to earn a sense of belonging in the world. People pleasing behaviors can be a coping technique to avoid being rejected by making themselves needed and indispensable instead.
Whilst it’s understandable that a child learns that acting in this way is one way to gain love and attention from a parent, when these behaviors are carried into adulthood they mean that someone’s attention is always focused outwardly. When you’re constantly meeting the needs of others, it’s almost impossible to even identify what your own needs are, let alone meet those needs.
If you recognize yourself as a people pleaser, recognize that your needs, opinions, wants and desires are every bit as important as anyone else’s. This is a huge shift in perspective and, in order to move towards this new core belief about the world and your place in it, will require considerable effort. You need to be committed to changing your people pleasing behavior and it can be useful to seek out the help of a therapist in doing this.
