Judith McFarland MFT

Judith McFarland MFT My psychotherapy practice in office and online via FaceTime/Skype, is devoted to helping adults change and improve their important relationships.

My special area of interest, and one in which I have a great deal of focused training, is helping my clients to improve their important relationships. I see adults individually and about 50-60% of my practice is seeing couples. I have many tools to help couples to have connected, joyful and loving relationships, to manage conflict in healthy ways, and to increase connection and intimacy. Please call me and let's discuss what you need.

02/09/2016

Is online therapy something you should consider?

Sometimes called tele-therapy, virtual therapy, or online counseling, meeting with a licensed qualified professional in the virtual world can allow a client who needs and wants help, but can't spare the time to commute in traffic to a therapist's office, or who doesn't have childcare, to receive high quality services.

Imagine sitting with your coffee or tea in the comfort and privacy of your home, and still being able to meet with a counselor who can help you to make the changes in your life that will take you (or you and your partner) in the direction you want?

In my practice I meet virtually with adults and couples who are California residents, since I am licensed to practice in California. If you'd like to know more about my services and whether online therapy might work for you, please take a look at my website; www.judithmcfarland.com.

11/22/2014

Let's talk about balanced parenting.

I just read a scary article. The average person in the U.S. spends over 6 hours per day in front of a screen - cell phone, tablet,laptop,computer,TC, etc. - but less then 15 minutes per day in face to face interaction with their child or children WITHOUT the distraction of some kind of screen.

What is that teaching your children?

Now, I might dismiss this as as unsubstantiated, alarmist, etc, if not for my awareness everywhere I go, that this is happening!

11/03/2014

As you can imagine, when people make important choices they are doing so in order to do one or more of the following:

Take care of yourself

or

Take care of the other

or

Take care of the relationship

By "take care" I mean consider the impact, protect, or nuture.

When you make a decision, which one of these categories does it fall into?

08/05/2014

Can a couple survive infidelity? Yes, they can. And they can survive with a stronger relationship then they ever had before.

Get some quality relationship therapy for help. How do you find that? Make contact with therapists. Ask if they've had specialized training in couples therapy post graduate school, and if so, how much? What percentage of their practice is couples? How do they work with couples in general, and with infidelity in particular?

Consider how you feel about their answers. Does it seem like a good fit? Try a session.

Remember; as a colleague once said, choosing a therapist is like choosing a pair of shoes. You may have to try on several pairs before you get the right fit.

07/20/2014

If your most important relationship is not working, do you take responsibility for the negative contribution you are making?

Very few people can answer that question with a "yes" and then have a thoughtful explanation. I'm not referring to accepting that you deserve what your have - far from it! I'm describing the ability to look at how you show up in that relationship, and whether improvement/change on your part is needed.

For example: Are you a person who avoids conflict, and therefore may not be honest about what you think, feel or want? Or, at the other extreme, are you unkind, rude, or mean when you do express what you think, feel or want?

Do you only consider what you get and not what you give? Or, do you only think of what you can give, and not work on getting your own needs met?

Looking at your own behavior, and moderation in what you do, are key to a healthy relationship!

06/30/2014

Boundaries. Sometimes my clients say "Oh no, you're going to tell me this a B problem" and we both know they are waiting for me to say this is an issue with their boundaries.

Boundaries are about:

The people you let into your life and the people to choose to shut out. The way you treat people and the ways you allow people to treat you. The confidences you share and the ones you don't. The possessions you share and the ones you don't. The time you share and the time you don't.

The boundaries that define you and define your life are made up of the choices you make each and every day. Like your skin, they keep harmful elements away, and keep your inner self from spilling out!

The integrity of your skin keeps you healthy. The integrity of the choices you make creates healthy boundaries in your life.

03/27/2014

What about this: Couples who want to stay together for their children.

Somewhere in the past, this idea became not only unfashionable, but people actively rebelled against the idea. Around the 1970s, people began to realize that 2 people who are unhappy with each other may be creating a difficult environment within which to raise their children, so many chose to divorce.

Since then 40 or so years ago, there have been studies done to see whether that assumption was correct or not. There are varying results, often depending on the degree of open hostility in the home before divorce.

In my Campbell practice I now meet more and more people who are trying to stay together until their children have left home. Often they themselves are the children of divorced parents. They don't want to share custody and they know that financially everyone will suffer. They have sought my help in learning to have at least a polite and respectful home life, if not the loving relationship they hoped for.

I am interested in feedback on this idea. Thanks.

03/17/2014

As a couple's therapist it can be discouraging to see couples end their relationships prematurely .

Recently I read a beautiful autobiographical essay about 2 people who "grew apart" and ended their relationship, but because they had children, chose to learn to get along and co-parent.

Through that effort they came to look at each other with fresh eyes, and then to re-discover what brought them together in the first place. As more mature people, they reunited and found a giving love that meant so much more!

I wonder how many people have had that experience?

03/13/2014

The High Cost of Conflict Avoidance

is

Honesty, intimacy, passion, connection.

I'm not suggesting that you seek conflict. Some would say that the benefit of conflict avoidance

is

Peace, calm, safety, no drama

What is the middle ground?

Choosing to voice your wants and needs, opinions, thoughts and feelings in a respectful way. Choosing to be the kind of partner that allows themselves to hear those things without attacking.

02/18/2014

Not everyone wants an "equal" relationship. Most people recognize that they are better at some things, their partner is better at others. They may call that "unequal".

However, most relationships between adults work best when both partners see each other as having generally equal power. What does that mean?

When an adult relationship follows a Parent-Child pattern, the person in the parent role assumes superior knowledge, decision making capacity, and power. The partner in the child role is taken care of, protected, maybe nurtured, maybe controlled and managed.

There is definitely a price to be paid for remaining a "child" in an adult relationship!

The area where this is often played out is money, which is a notable currency for power. A lack of participation in making decisions about the money often translates into resentment on the part of the powerless partner.

If you are not fully participating in decisions about money, why not?

02/03/2014

Just a reminder about empathy; it's the capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another person.

How do we know what emotion that other person is experiencing? In early infancy and childhood, before we can talk, we connect in various ways with the emotions we experience from our caregivers. Since we can't talk, we interpret what we see - facial expression, body language - and what we hear - tone of voice.

We put it all together and react. Smiles that go with a soft soothing voice and a relaxed body are interpreted as friendly, non-threatening, loving, welcoming, interested, etc. Yelling, tension, a tight, cold expression, turning away, etc. are interpreted as something like hostility. We make connections that we take into the rest of our lives.

A baby does not have the ability to check out those interpretations, but an adult does.

When you want to practice, try asking a person something like this; "It looks like that made you angry, is that true?" Or, "I can see that you are sad, what's going on?"

01/28/2014

The comments most people want to hear, but rarely do; empathic communication.

In couples therapy we talk about communicating empathy a lot. Often, people confuse empathy with sympathy or even agreement.

The definition of empathy is the capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another person.

Usually, when a listener is presented with their partner saying something like "I have a problem with _________", the listener might say "I understand" or "I feel the same way."

An empathic response would be more like "It looks like you are really frustrated" (or angry, or sad, or mad, etc.). The speaker says "YES! Of course I'm mad!" (or sad, etc.)

What next? Practice, and check back. Thanks!

Address

930 Mendocino Avenue
Santa Rosa, CA
95401

Opening Hours

Monday 12pm - 8pm
Tuesday 11am - 7pm
Wednesday 12pm - 8pm

Website

Alerts

Be the first to know and let us send you an email when Judith McFarland MFT posts news and promotions. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose, and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Shortcuts

Share

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on LinkedIn
Share on Pinterest Share on Reddit Share via Email
Share on WhatsApp Share on Instagram Share on Telegram

Category