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Allie Jayne Reed, LMHC, Seattle, WA (2025)

11/06/2025

6 Ways being raised by emotionally immature parents may impact you as an adult...

1) Increased vulnerability to depression, anxiety, &/or other mental health issues due to unmet emotional needs, lack of emotion regulation skills, &/or trauma.

2) Low-self esteem due to chronic invalidation, emotional neglect, &/or insecure attachment.

3) Difficulty with boundaries due to being conditioned to people-please & suppress your own emotions & needs.

4) Repeating unhealthy relationship patterns that were present in your childhood like enmeshment, either being too close or too distant from others, or avoiding vulnerability.

5) Overthinking & overachieving to avoid feelings of shame, grief, or feeling inadequate by instead being a ‘perfectionist’ or staying busy.

6) Ineffective coping mechanisms in an effort to self-soothe (because your parents didn’t come to soothe you), such as using screens to stay distracted, substances, or isolating.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & overcome anxiety, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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11/04/2025

Emotionally immature parents probably taught you that asserting your feelings & wishes, sticking to YOUR values & being in conflict was catastrophic to the relationship. They might have strongly discouraged you for having differing needs from theirs or opposing them.

Since they're the ones with the power in your household, they might have stayed in control through emotional coercion, which taught you to believe that appeasing another to keep the peace is better than being in conflict, because conflict meant consequences that would terrify any child - such as abandonment or punishment.

For relationships to actually grow, deepen their connection & trust in one another, you actually need to have conflict. Without polarity, there is no relationship. It's healthier to show up as 2 individuals, with differing feelings & needs, & learn to find synthesis even if it means going through uncomfortable periods. This is how you build emotional intimacy (trust). This applies to nearly all relationships.

It makes sense that in the moment, it might seem more effective to concede. It's also true that sometimes it might not be effective for the relationship health & long term goals.

It's also healthy to sometimes prioritize someone else's feelings or needs, however the key is to learn to not suppress yours everytime in the process.

If you're ready to heal your wounds from & realign with your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/31/2025

Imagine pausing before reacting to your emotionally immature family member when you would usually react with urgency & panic that they taught you. Instead, you notice the panic sensations, stop & say to yourself, ‘This feels old. What is mine in this moment?’

Imagine learning the skills your parents never taught you, like how to attend to yourself, your emotions & their sensations, and your own needs rather than everyone else’s.

Imagine finally feeling safe in your own body, being able to stay in your window of tolerance for longer & find your way back to it when needed.

Imagine not getting your EIP’s stuff mixed up with yours. Being able to differentiate your own feelings & wishes from theirs, and not feeling like you’re a bad person for it because you deeply believe you’re a good person.

Imagine holding compassion & empathy for your EIPs while still maintaining your own sense of self, prioritizing your needs & standing your ground.

All of this is possible. Targeted trauma therapy (like the ones I'm trained in, DBT-PE & EMDR) can get you there. It will take time & effort, but it’s so worth it.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & finally differentiate from their system, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call w/ me!

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10/30/2025

Emotionally mature parents step up to lead from a secure, regulated place, hold limits, solve problems when needed, empathize & validate you, & put in the work it takes to make a system functional while maintaining emotional presence (consistently, not 100% of the time). They make repairs when they mess up. They have your best interest in mind, can sacrifice their own emotional needs to meet yours or at least make yours the priority. They have the power & the responsibility.

Emotionally immature parents are low effort, dysregulated, unwilling to change or self-reflect, and inevitably shape a system where someone has to step up to enable them, to keep the peace, to ‘help’ a dysfunctional system that exists to ensure the EIP never changes & their needs remain the priority. Conflict is inevitable but repairs aren’t made. They don’t lead, they control. They see you as an extension of themselves & fail to see YOUR emotional needs. They have the power & are irresponsible with it.

If you find yourself feeling like you have to be the one to step up to mediate, solve other peoples problems, protect them from the consequences of their own actions, or be of ‘help’, I want you to know that it’s okay to step down & out of your Role in their system.

Of course there will be consequences, but you have a choice. Stay in the psychological hold your EIPs have on you, or heal. (Healing actually isn’t that black or white anyway, you just won’t know until you begin. It does require some surrender.)

If you’re ready to heal your wounds from & step out of your Role in their dysfunctional system to finally realign with your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call w/ me!

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10/27/2025

Do you ever feel like you’re a completely different person around your parents than you are in your day-to-day life? You’re not alone.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & realign with your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/25/2025

Kerri(32) knew she was healing when she visited her parents & didn’t shut down nor fall backwards into her usual Role as the mascot or enabler...

Instead of being the ‘comic relief’, she sat back & calmly observed. She observed what others were saying & doing, as well as what she was feeling.

She prioritized staying in her window of tolerance, scanning the environment for safety, belly breathing, and maintaining a willing posture.

Instead of being agreeable (or disagreeable for that matter), she expressed her opinions even if they differed from others. She didn’t argue, she said ‘that’s valid. I think ___’

She stayed out of little tiffs or arguments that arose instead of trying to keep the peace or get family members to stop so she could enjoy herself, she practiced mindfulness, paired muscle relaxation, and hummed instead. She didn’t take bait for role reversal.

She didn’t try to soothe her ‘stressed out’ mother. She didn’t try to herd her father to the kitchen. She didn’t laugh at a joke if she didn’t find it funny.

She spoke about topics that she wanted to share, said ‘ouch, that was hurtful’ when her dad dismissed her, kept calmly eating when it got quiet & left at the time she had originally planned to, after a cool 2 hours. She didn’t take the bait for conflict.

She didn’t fall for her mom’s tactics to hold her up at the door. She used strategic ignoring with an easy-manner, continuing to gather her things, smile, & say ‘I gotta head out, bye bye for now’

She left to go see some friends, not because she had something her parents deemed ‘important enough’ planned right after. She left to prioritize what’s important to HER, what makes her Life Worth Living, after having already spent what she felt was adequate time with her family based on her needs.

This is what its like as an adult child of emotionally immature parents, after trauma therapy.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & rediscover your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call w/ me!

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10/23/2025

10 Hidden signs of emotional maturity...

1) Ability to control one’s own attention & actions

2) Ability to delay or defer gratification

3) Genuine relationship repair skills - including apologizing, being accountable, & keeping at it for as long as is needed for the relationship (because depending on the relationship & situation, repairs don’t usually happen in one convo. That’s not how trust works)

4) Ability to validate someone else’s emotional experience, even if it differs from their own. Celebrating similarities AND differences, not rejecting or judging

5) Lean into conflict rather than avoid or act like all is well (when no repair has been made & all is clearly not well)

6) Self-reflection & self-awareness, rather than frequently asking everyone else to coach or spell things out for them

7) Empathy. The kind that only someone who’s in touch with their central nervous system & feelings can have, not the shallow intellectual ‘understanding’

8) Someone who can effectively express their genuine thoughts or feelings, even when the threat of others judging or not understanding is present (e.g. crying in front of others, showing signs of distress, sharing their opinions even if it means rocking the boat - these are often signs of emotional integrity)

9) RESPONSIBILITY

10) Being present & unassuming, open to new information about others & not putting them in a ‘box’ or role in their mind

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & rediscover your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call w/ me!

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*Disclaimer - emotional maturity isn't about perfection - it embraces nuance, though it does observe patterns. This information is not meant to pathologize, diagnose, or otherwise provide mental health care. This post is for educational purposes only.

10/20/2025

& then checking out on the couch (or dissociating) until bed, just to get up & do the same cycle again tomorrow.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & overcome anxiety, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/18/2025

Is the fact that your emotionally immature parents aren’t awful ALL the time making it hard for you to step out of their dysfunctional system?

It’s true, emotionally immature parents aren’t always behaving ineffectively. Occasionally, they’re good listeners, give good advice, or show glimmers of compassion & softness.

This makes it hard for us to believe who they truly are & their flaws, because as their offspring, we’re not programmed to WANT to see their flaws. What we want is an accepting, attuned, and loving parent. In these moments where we actually feel cared for, we feel hopeful.

But this is intermittently reinforcing us to believe we might get another glimpse of that emotionally mature parent again.

The truth is, EIPs have limited capacity for empathy, interest in another, care & compassion. These rare moments where they show they are capable of this are not signs that it’s who they truly are. Who they truly are is the version of them you get on a consistent basis.

This is why inevitably, they bounce back to their true form, making you wonder where that moment of feeling connected disappeared to.

Just like abusers aren’t abusive all of the time, neither are emotionally immature parents. We can’t make decisions on how to proceed in relationships with our parents based on how they treated us when at their best - we have to consider who they truly are, flaws & all, without judgment & with total honesty. We have to consider the pattern.

Instead of holding onto hope, try seeing your parent as a whole, thinking dialectically, accepting who they are, and allowing yourself to step out of your Role in their dysfunctional system in order to finally realign with your Authentic Self.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & rediscover your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/16/2025

In the PNW, Ive worked with lots of women whose parents display more covert signs of emotional immaturity. So heres 10 sneaky signs you grew up with emotionally immature parents that you might not realize...

1) Your parents spent dinners either talking about themselves, their work days, or bickering. Rarely did the kids have & hold their attention for long.

2) Conversations revolved around things your parents found engaging.

3) Your parents seemed disinterested until you expressed interest in doing something they would want you to do, then suddenly their faces lit up & praise was awarded.

4) Rather than providing you with guidance, life skills teaching, & consequences to help guide you, they expressed disapproval in your behavior by passive aggressive mocking, grimacing, or criticizing. Theyd tell you what you needed to do, but put little effort into understanding & supporting your growth & skillfulness.

5) They tried to influence how you think, feel, your goals & dreams, and what you believe instead of influencing you to develop healthy, helpful habits youd later use in adulthood.

6) Conversations were highly intellectual & emotions were mostly absent. Emotional expressions may have been judged as ‘immature’. (Classic signs of emotion phobia)

7) Your parent said ‘youll figure it out’ instead of helping you. Your own opinions, values, beliefs & future goals are supposed to be what you figure out without their heavy influence (but still with support where it’s needed), not how to do homework, chores, self-care, emotion regulation, etc.!

8) Expressions of how you felt were invalidated, you were told why you were wrong & should feel differently.
Expressions of thoughts or opinions led to debates rather than curiosity & understanding.

9) Differences, individuality & uniqueness weren't embraced, but sameness was encouraged or rewarded.

10) Your parents frequently expressed judgment or criticism of others. They had lots of commentary & couldnt just let others be, especially if they didnt like something. Their personal preferences & feelings turned into strong opinions & judgments.

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10/13/2025

Why self-help may not be working for you to heal your relational trauma...

If you were raised by emotionally immature parents, you’re probably highly resourceful, self-reflective, and independent. Understandably, you may have thrown yourself into the self help world to heal your relational trauma, because, why wouldn’t you?

Self help is incredibly useful & effective in so many ways. A con of reliance on self help, however, is that it cannot heal relational trauma, because relational trauma recovery depends on not only the trauma treatment you participate in, but the relationship you form with your therapist.

Since we’re pack animals, we rely on important relationships (usually to our caregivers) to meet our developmental needs, including emotional needs. When our caregivers fail to meet our needs, negative beliefs about ourselves, others & the world are formed, which color how we relate to others going forward.

Trauma requires targeted interventions in therapy in order to ‘recover’. Relational trauma requires that PLUS corrective relational experiences, where you can learn to be emotionally intimate, connected, & fully trusting of another - something your EIPs didn’t provide.

The corrective experience of a trusted professional helping you through the process of trauma therapy, seeing all parts of you & aiding you in allowing others to too, is necessary for your healing. It simply cannot be done alone through self-help.

This doesn’t mean self help is bad or that you shouldn’t use it. It means that while self help is useful for lots of things, healing your relational trauma is where it might need to simply take a back seat.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & overcome anxiety, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/11/2025

The truth about your PERFECTIONISM & what it’s trying to tell you...

Perfectionism is a common pattern of behavior in adults who were raised by emotionally immature parents. This is because many EIPs only give attention, validation or praise when their children are high achievers, performing above average, or otherwise not making mistakes.

This teaches their children that love, attention & validation are conditional & depend on the child’s ability to perform or be ‘perfect’.

Since EIPs tend to be self-involved, negligent & rejecting, they’re also likely to ignore, criticize, judge or punish a child for making a mistake, being imperfect, or ‘underperforming’ (which sometimes means just performing at an average level).

This causes the EIPs child to believe: ‘If I’m not perfect, I will be rejected’ or ‘I am only lovable if I am performing well’.

The result: an adult who avoids making mistakes at all costs. The adult who is a driven high achiever.

This is because once those negative beliefs form, things like making mistakes, leaving a task undone, or putting forth less than 100% effort prompt immense feelings of SHAME.

This is the emotion at the root of your perfectionism: shame. It’s a cue to alert you to faulty beliefs & exactly what needs to be healed in order to heal your trauma & realign with your Authentic Self, an imperfect human who still receives love & acceptance from those who matter most.

When shame is high, grief is inhibited. Not only is the shame pointing to your negative beliefs, but it’s also telling you what you need to grieve.

Fortunately, trauma therapy grounded in DBT-PE targets exactly this through exposures. Eventually, your shame comes down, perfectionism dissipates, beliefs change, and grief can finally be processed.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & embrace your authentic, human self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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Allie Jayne Reed, LMHC

11/06/2025

11/04/2025

10/31/2025

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10/23/2025

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10/11/2025

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Monday	11am - 6pm
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