01/07/2026
I coined the term S*xual Avoidance Cycle to describe what I see in my work with so many couples. It is such a common occurrence, and when I describe it to people, they instantly recognize that this is what’s been happening to them.
It starts with s*xual experiences that don’t meet your expectations, whether that’s about ideas you have about how you should look, what you should do, what level of desire people should feel, how long it should last, or how body parts should work.
Those experiences create negative feelings. Disappointment, at least. But probably also feelings of failure or inadequacy. And fear! Worry that something is wrong with you, your partner and/or your relationship.
If s*x generates bad feelings often enough, we avoid it. It’s human nature to avoid things that make us feel bad. Or that might set us up to fail again. We avoid having s*x, talking about s*x, and doing anything to make it better.
But avoidance increases the pressure we feel. Pressure about our s*x life in general, since we think we “should” be doing it, or because our partner wants to. But there’s also more pressure on the *s*x we do have. If we’re having plenty of s*x and one time doesn’t go so well…no big deal. But when it’s infrequent (because you’ve been avoiding it), then it seems a lot’s at stake. This time needs to go well because we don’t do it much. But how are we supposed to have good time under that kind of pressure? This makes it way more likely we’ll have another disappointing experience, throwing us back into the cycle.
Does this sound familiar?
