07/13/2022
❗️BODY SOVEREIGNTY❗️
About seven years ago today I was spending a hopeless amount of my time hovering over public TOILET BOWLS and OBSESSIVELY counting calories. I had no close friends and couldn't have a long lasting meaningful relationship. I ruined them all with my anxious inability to "be" for too long around others. Because if i allowed myself to be.. They would KNOW.
They would know that each morning when i awoke i avoided any possible sources of nutrition until my body became faintingly weak that i HAD to force something down my throat.
This time... was sporadic throughout the day and usually resulted in my only meal being a conglomerate of gas station junk food all jumbled up on one plate and microwaved before binge eating every bit i could until physically my stomach became bloated. At this point, I would stick my fingers down my throat and purge until nothing was left.
If I hung out with anyone at all, my thoughts were 100% consumed by how i was going to escape what they would offer me to eat, or make it to the bathroom, or leave early to feed my binge purge addiction.
I continued down this road for years and months slowly withering away, getting myself into life threatening situation after life threatening situation until I hit rock bottom. One night i found myself drinking "two" glasses of wine then going for a bike ride at 11pm at night immediately after to burn off any gain. Of course, from lack of any nutrients i was instantly intoxicated.
That night i drove under a bridge and blacked out before crossing a railway. When i came to, i literally had two trains headed for me from each direction. I saw the lights, felt the rumble and thought this is it. Some Angelicly guided way I hopped off of my bike with my hands pressed together above my head straight as a board. In that moment.. I was awaiting my potential death as there was no time to exit the tracks. I was in between two trains as they passed.
Afterwards, my body went into shock and one of the conductors stopped his train and ran as fast as he could for me. I remember him shaking me and yelling at me for about five minutes. "What were you thinking!" "What are you doing out here"?! "People die here!"
We lost someone just three months ago! Call someone, get home. Are you okay???
In shock and obsessively looped into self depreciating patterns i felt i was a prisoner to, i headed back to the bar and blacked out again. I don't remember how i got home that night.
Back then, i was puppeted by my shame, my fears, all of my unhealed and unheard traumas. They ran my life and almost ran me into the ground.
Back then, i fell for many traps of todays standards of beauty and bought into this sickly image of confidence. I was killing myself, to maintain an ideology I was solid by the media and socially popularized images of beauty.
Today, I am aware of the slightest energy or mood shift, i am happily aware of how to feel safe in my body. I use every day tools that assist me in centering, grounding, and coming into the highest expression of myself. I love and honor my meals and thoroughly enjoy them without a sliver of shame. I love the soul i see in the mirror and can honor those old unintegraded parts of me as well.
I find peace and fulfillment in the smallest of gifts like breathing air and waking up to the sunrise. Today, my happiness is sourced from within and gracefully oriented around finding the gifts in life.
My body autonomy, feeling safe, confident, grounded, curious, has not always been my greatest skillset. For me, this took about a year of scheduling my meals, of forcing myself to see beauty in the mirror. But i promise you, it doesn't have to be this hard.
I now give others the guidance I so desperately yearned for through trials such as these. And from the center of my beating heart, love every moment of my life and the small slivers of light I have to give to others.
Are "you" in your body today?
In tune with subtleties of shifting energy.
Do you know when you become "disembodied", and if so, do you know how to come back to your safe center?
Do You Feel In Control of Your Body❓
Do you Feel Pulled in 100 Directions❓
Are your habits and daily patterns habitual and draining, or intentional and fueling ❓
Is your sense of self and confidence determined by external forces❓
Have you been through similar trails or dark nights of the soul?
Are you more compassionate and aware because of these trials?
Are you self reliant and comfortable in your body often throughout the day or is your comfortability dependent on your environment, company, interfacing with others energies ❓
We are honored to hear your Body’s Sovereignty Journey. Share with us your thoughts in the Comment Platform Below 📱💻