09/19/2025
Something different for this week's Fun Funeral Fact Friday ⚰️
💚Grief and Why We Judge It💛
I want to touch upon something that doesn’t get talked about enough…
How we express our grief and how it's constantly judged, mocked, ridiculed, or labeled as “too much” or “not enough.”
They aren’t crying… they must not feel anything.
Why are they taking photos?
They’re being too dramatic.
How can they look so composed? They must be looking for attention.
Why are they sharing this online? Shouldn’t grief be private?
They seem too happy — they must have moved on already.
They’re crying too much — they must want sympathy.
Why are they telling the same story over and over?
They should be over it by now — it’s been long enough.
Sound familiar?
Whether we admit it or not, we’ve all done it. Even if we never say a word, that energy of judgment is there.
And then comes the online part — the moment someone shares their grief publicly, people get uncomfortable.
The truth is, death isn’t comfortable. It’s scary. It’s heartbreaking. And in some cultures, you’re even taught not to show emotion at all.
But here’s the thing — grief has many faces. It can look like tears. It can look like laughter at shared memories. It can even look like stillness.
😵💫Why We Judge Grief
There are some common reasons this judgment happens:
Cultural Conditioning & Social Norms – Many societies expect us to be private and composed in pain. Some cultures embrace communal mourning; others see it as inappropriate.
Discomfort with Vulnerability & Death – Public grief reminds people of their own pain or mortality, so they label it as “too much” to protect themselves emotionally.
Gender & Emotional Expectations – Women get labeled “dramatic,” while men get told to “man up,” creating double standards around grief expression.
Social Media Perception – Grief shared online can be dismissed as “attention-seeking,” even though it may simply be someone’s way of processing loss.
The Myth of a “Grief Timeline” – Society expects people to “move on” quickly, but grief doesn’t follow a neat schedule.
📸 Photos, then & now
Taking pictures of someone who has passed away isn’t new. In Victorian times (mid-1800s to early 1900s), post-mortem photography was a common way for families to remember loved ones.
These photos were sometimes the only images people had of a person, especially children. Families would pose the deceased as though asleep, or with family members.
Over time, as photography became more common, as social attitudes toward death changed, and as funerary and medical practices shifted, this kind of photography became less visible, more private, or reserved for certain contexts.
So when we see people today taking photos at funerals or memorials — it isn’t necessarily “performative.” It can be part of remembering, preserving what’s precious, and coping.
📱Grief in the Digital Age
When COVID hit, we had to livestream Masses and funeral services so people could attend from afar.
For some, this was a lifeline — a way to:
Show respect when they couldn’t be there in person
Share in collective mourning
Find closure when travel restrictions and safety rules kept families apart
It might not have been traditional, but it gave people permission to grieve together in a time of isolation.
🪬 Grief Around the World: The Haka
One powerful example comes from Māori culture in New Zealand. Did you know the haka isn’t just a war dance? At funerals (tangihanga), the haka holds deep meaning:
Honors the Deceased – A powerful farewell to celebrate the life and spirit of the one who has passed.
Expresses Raw Emotion – Channeling grief, love, respect, and connection when words aren’t enough.
Calls on Ancestral Ties – A spiritual acknowledgment of the journey from this life to the next.
Unites the Community – Performed together, it shows grief and respect are shared, not carried alone.
Sacred Tradition – A final gift of strength and aroha (love) as the deceased joins their ancestors.
👂 How to Respond Instead of Judge
Pause before labeling someone’s grief. Ask yourself: Why does their way of grieving make me uncomfortable?
Offer compassion, not critique. A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” can go farther than “are you overreacting?”
Respect cultural differences. Traditions vary: public displays, collective grief, memorial rituals — all are valid.
Remember: grief has no timeline. Some days are worse. Some days are peaceful. Both are okay.
Maybe it’s time we let people grieve however their heart needs to — without judgment, without timelines, and with a lot more compassion. ❤️
