10/05/2025
Let's clear something up.
Postpartum women and perinatal therapists are often eager to proclaim that all emotions are "normal" during the postpartum period. This trend to normalize every feeling - no matter how painful or persistent - comes from a well-intended effort to reassure moms that they are okay, that what they are feeling is common and not worrisome. Of course, this reassurance can go far to comfort a new mom in distress.
At least for a while.
The important distinction, however, is this: It’s not enough to validate the feeling itself; we also need to observe and assess how that feeling shows up.
Let’s break this down.
Even very strong negative emotions in the postpartum period can be quite "normal." Anger is normal. Grief is normal. Sadness and crying are normal. Disappointment, resentment, scary thoughts, and guilt are normal.
However…
While these emotions commonly surface during the postpartum period, what needs attention is the F.I.D. - Frequency, Intensity, & Duration.
While sadness and crying are normal, we ask:
How often do you cry?
Do you notice any patterns - times of day, situations, or thoughts that make it worse?
Are you able to stop once you start crying, or does it feel out of control?
How does the crying make you feel?
What’s triggering the crying?
Are you bothered by it? Are others commenting on it?
Does the crying interfere with your ability to care for yourself or your baby?
Or -
I know you feel angry that the baby screams and keeps you from sleeping.
Tell me how the anger makes you feel about your baby?
How does the anger make you feel, in your body?
Do you ever feel out of control when you’re angry?
Are others bothered by the expression of your anger?
How long have you felt this level of anger?
How much does it interfere with your ability to function or take care of the baby?
𝗙𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝗻𝗰𝘆 + 𝗜𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘁𝘆 + 𝗗𝘂𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 = 𝗗𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀
𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗧𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗦 = 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗮𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝘂𝗻𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻
If strong negative emotions persist without the balance of positive emotion, healthy perspective, support, distraction, or therapy, they can linger and morph. Guilt can deepen into hopelessness. Anxiety can immobilize. Scary thoughts can terrify. Anger can harden into rageful disconnection.
The take-home point is this:
To parents:
While all emotions are normal after the birth of a baby, when you hear or read that “it’s okay to feel all the feelings,” know that if you are feeling any uncomfortable emotion too often, too much, or for too long, that’s not okay. It doesn’t mean anything terrible is happening. It means that your level of distress is likely too high and that you would benefit from more support than you are currently getting.
To perinatal therapists: Use caution when over-normalizing or over-validating all emotions during the postpartum period. This requires a careful and individual assessment.
