Worldtree Individual and Family Therapy

06/16/2022

Whether I am talking with my 22 year old college students or my 52 year old couples in therapy, one issue is absolutely transcendent: navigating time together and time apart.⁣
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I believe that each of us has a “relative set point” for how much couple time vs solo time we need. Having a strong need for couple time isn’t better than having a strong need for solo time (or vice versa) but differences between partners’ set points can for sure be a source of tension.⁣
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But it’s not just about differences in relative set point.⁣
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It’s also about HOW couples make their plans.⁣
* Do you ASK your partner if it’s OK to go out with friends or plan a solo trip? ⁣
* Do you ANNOUNCE to your partner that you are going out with friends or planning a solo trip?⁣
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What are your associations to the idea of asking your partner before you make solo plans? ⁣
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For some people, this approach evokes in them feelings of being “one-down” in the relationship. It feels like a child getting permission from a parent. The feels are of powerlessness and loss of agency.⁣
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What are your associations to the idea of announcing to your partner that you’re making solo plans? ⁣
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For some people this approach feels powerful and confident. It feels like they are ensuring they can’t be taken advantage of of mistreated.⁣
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Here’s the deal: The heart of an intimate relationship is an ongoing willingness to check in, collaborate, and co-create a vision of a day / a week / a month / a lifetime.⁣
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Therefore, the ask is not to ensure that you have permission, but rather to ensure that you convey to your partner that you are aware that your individual choices affect them (and vice versa). ⁣
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The ask sounds less like this, “May I please have dinner with my friends on Thursday?” ⁣
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And more like this, “I’d like to head out for dinner with my friends on Thursday. How does that land for you?”⁣
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Rather than a burden, this can be viewed as a sacred responsibility.⁣
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Rather than a constraint to freedom, this can be viewed as a way of solidifying the bond between you that gifts each of you the freedom to continue to express your individuality through solo plans, adventures & hobbies.⁣
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Ask, don’t announce.⁣

05/16/2022

05/14/2022

When someone who matters to you won’t engage with you on an important topic, two things are true at the very same time:⁣
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1. The cycle of reaching and blocking sucks! It hurts like hell. You feel like a fool for “putting up with this crap.” You feel lonely and devalued. ⁣
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2. Unless you’re partnered with a sociopath, hurting you is rarely the motivation that drives the defensiveness.⁣
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This is what therapist call INTENT versus IMPACT. ⁣
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Somebody’s behavior can hurt you WITHOUT them intending to hurt you.⁣

🚨 As is the case with all of my posts, this does not apply to situations of abuse 🚨
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Here’s the deal: people defend themselves against stuff that overwhelms their ability to cope. S**t that feels emotionally charged. S**t that holds a direct line to a core wound / pain point / historical echo.⁣
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No pain, no defensiveness.⁣
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Where do you go from here? ⁣
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* Make sure you’re taking care of your side of the street (see previous post about how to invite a hard convo).⁣
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* Remember: Defensiveness is data. See what happens when you shift to curiosity. Can you help me understand why this conversation is hard for you?⁣
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* Bring in a couples therapist. We are legit trained in this stuff, and we have some mad skillz!!!!⁣
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Relational Self-Awareness is a learned skill, and your partner may be in Relational Self-Awareness 101 while you’re working on your graduate degree in this s**t. ⁣
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There’s even a word for it: ALEXITHYMIA. Inability to name your feelings. ⁣
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Depending on someone’s cultural background, gender role socialization, personality, family of origin, etc, they may well be more unskilled than obstinate. ⁣
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What might help you muster a bit more patience and curiosity? ⁣
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Healthy relationships require partners to be responsive, accessible, and empathic. Some of us just need a bit more remediation than others! ⁣
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My e-course, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS 101, is a wonderful resource for situations like this. You don’t need to be your partner’s teacher / therapist / coach. In fact that’s a set up for imbalance and resentment. Let me help! Sign up together and work through the content as a team. The course is ridiculously well-priced for all that you get!! Link in bio. DM me your questions. ♥️⁣

03/10/2022

01/25/2020

Assuming the best in people is a vital skill for leaders

12/23/2019

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A few perspectives to keep in mind over the busy holiday season:

Kids who are melting down over the holidays don’t mean:

“I’m trying to ruin your fun”
“I’m trying to embarrass you”
“You are a bad parent”
“I am a bad child”
“I need you to meet my demands”
“I need to learn a lesson”
“I’m defiant and refuse to listen”
“I hate you”

Kids who are melting down over the holidays may mean:

“I’m really overstimulated and need a break”
“There’s a lot of new people and I’m feeling overwhelmed”
“I need your attention”
“My Brain is feeling flooded right now with emotion, I cant think logically”
“I need you to take me to a safe space to let these feelings out”
“Please help me find a peaceful spot to hang out”
“I feel safe to have these feelings with you.”
“This has been a big day for me”
“I’m hungry, tired, or bored”
“I need you to be my calm right now”
“This is all new for me”
“I love you and feel safe with you” —

Follow for more toddler tips and education!!

12/07/2019

💥

11/16/2019