Silence in the Noise

10/30/2022

Scientists have made a startling discovery. According to a new study researchers presented at the 35th Annual European College of Neuropsychopharmacology in Vienna, certain anti-depressants can cause drastic changes in the brain. In fact, they may even be able to rewire brains affected by major depr...

10/29/2022

10/29/2022

Adolescents and adults are often unaware that teens experience dating violence

10/29/2022

It's been a while since I posted on here. I've been dealing with a very traumatic incident. My much loved husband of 33 years passed away from a sudden severe cardiac arrest. He was a healthy guy with a good healthy history and it happened at home, I was here I heard him cry out with "why, why, why" I think I knew he going to die. So many things happened, it seems the ambulance arrived on time but I don't know. I can't help but feel guilty for not reacting sooner, I know there was nothing I could have done , but it still doesn't feel that way. Though it was January 18, 1:18a.m that he passed away, it doen't feel that long ago. I don't cry as much but some times I feel relieved to ccry because it makes it feel I really lost the best thing to ever happen to me in my life. There will never, ever, ever be another him and I know I will never love again.

I take medication for anxiety, Major Depressive disorder and have thought about how much I would rather be with him wherever he is than on earth. It' s not that I haven't thought about su***de ... I have. ..more times than I want to admit here. Pain meds. Anxiety meds. All would have been options. But the point is I talk to someone before it goes that far. And I haven't made it that far. I have a psychiatrist and a talk therapist, to talk to. I talk to my husband (his pic is on my dresser). I talk to him as much as I can because if he could hear me he would listen. I miss him. I dressed him in his favorite sweatshirt,, favorite plaid shirt, cargo pants, socks. He hated to be cold. So I dressed him warm. Sounds silly, huh. But to me, puttin him in a suit would have been wrong, he hated that.

From the day I met him till the day he passed he was the most handsome, kind and smartest man I have ever met. There will never be another like him, ever. I love you Bunny through the universe and back.

07/08/2022

I was serious last night but what I thought was an innocent qwestion he saw through ajd saw through m ad said saw me want to D o it.

i AM NEVER never felt felt to alone without him. i look at my pills amd contempletate now easy and yet so hardpeople tell me

I'm going to sleep. I hope I never wake up. my hand soul hurt so much I loved him so much and and I really think eric wishes it ws my death and not dad

07/07/2022

Everything is nothing and yet my nothing is everything to end to mean I mean nothing to everythng I wish I meant something to someone. I wish it was me, he wishes it was me and not his dad. he has closer to him and fartherest from me. I am so tired I think about the ending often. I stare at the bottle. Count the pills wonder how many it would take, I know that doesn't matter because All is enough to be enough

06/13/2022

My son and I had another disagreement. It was so painful to me that I hit myself in the head and cried really hard. Gotta take more anxiety meds I want to hurt myself again for being so broken. In a lot of ways our disagreements remind me of hubby and my initial problems when I was first diagnosed and going through therapy about me.

06/04/2022

I didn't really figure this out till today. When my husband died I lost my son too. My son wants to put me into an assisted living facility and he will take care of the house. That is the gist of it. I've been fighting a depressive disorder since I was about 6 years old. Now I am 63 and even though I take medication to keep the worst of my symptoms at bay I still fight my illness. And with the death of my husband who was my support, along with all my meds and my two therapists, I still think about dying. I just don't like living in a world that has taken all that I care about away from me. Even if they are not dead, they avoid me because I have difficulty taking care of myself. As if that is somehow my fault. When I ask for help they are too busy working, think I ask too much for help, are too far away, whatever their lame reason is. I am alone and no one gives a f**k about. My son himself doesn't want to help me with things. I never thought he would be the one to abandon me but he has. I am having a double about of tears tonight this has been a bad, bad week