12/17/2025
10 Tips for Holidays with Difficult Families
We often get asked why people get down during the holidays. Let’s not forget that our holiday season coincides with the reduction in daylight and the increase in cloudy, cold weather. This can affect us without us even realizing it. But another reason that we see at The Counseling Renaissance is that while many of us are blessed with harmonious homes and pleasant holidays with loved ones, this is unfortunately not the case for everyone. When unhealthy family dynamics are present, holiday time can be even more stressful. While we still love our families, here are some things to keep in mind while interacting with difficult relatives during the holiday season.
1. It’s ok to plan to do your own thing. Sometimes it is a good idea to simply plan something else, whether it is a trip, or choosing to celebrate with friends instead. You don’t need to justify your choice or have your family agree to it. Your holiday, your decision.
2. Manage your expectations. It would be great if family could put their problem dynamics on hold for the holiday and simply enjoy each other’s company. Unfortunately, it usually does not work this way. Try not to expect that it is going to be “the most wonderful time of the year” with these people. They are the same folks, with the same problems, triggers, addictions, fears, and needs. Oftentimes, the togetherness of the holidays is the perfect time for all of these things to play out.
3. Set and maintain boundaries. Setting limits on what you are willing to discuss, behavior you will engage in, or accept from others is something that you really want to think about ahead of time.
4. Be prepared to leave. It might be a good idea to plan a short time to visit with the family and have another event to go to afterwards. This sets you up for getting out before anything can go sideways, or just limits the time you have to spend in the difficult environment.
5. Communicate with your partner, spouse and kids (to the extent appropriate for their age). Hopefully, you have been able to explain your experience with your family to your partner, and they have a good, or at least basic, understanding of why you may not want to spend all day and/or evening with them. Even if they get along with your family great, it’s best to be in agreement with your partner about the visit being short, and what you will say to them if you are feeling like it is time to go even before the agreed upon time. Sometimes the opposite is true, our family does not get along with our partner, spouse or kids and they may be feeling the need to end the interactions before you are. It is best to have discussed all this ahead of time to prevent you from having to figure it out in the moment and possibly in front of others.
6. Consider hosting yourself. If this is feasible, it may give you the control you are looking for. You decide the food, the availability of alcohol, the guestlist, and any fun activities that might serve to engage people in positive ways, and distract from the need to open old wounds or act out in unhealthy ways.
7. Whether you host or not, consider refraining from, or seriously limiting intake of alcohol. Decreasing your inhibitions increases the likelihood that you will be drawn into a family squabble, not be able to resist telling that relative just what you think about their comment, or start to feel down on yourself. Feeling the things we sometimes do in the midst of our difficult family of origin can also trigger emotional eating. So being mindful of these things is important.
8. Opt out. Otherwise known as “Let it go!” When putting yourself in a room full of people who tend to be dysfunctional, difficult or just plain toxic, being aware of the dynamics may be key to pulling yourself out of them. Stepping back and observing people’s behavior objectively may help you recognize what is happening in a less emotional way. For example, if you have made good effort at not accepting your scapegoat role anymore, you can expect that family members will work to put you back in that role. Recognizing that someone blaming you for something is a way to keep you in your “job” as scapegoat can help you see they dynamic for what it is, and you may feel less urgency to respond emotionally. It is their need to have a scapegoat, not your need to be one.
9. Don’t take the bait. It is a good idea to have some neutral (non-inflammatory) responses to comments from family members that can just not give them the emotional response they are seeking. The need to defend yourself, justify your choices, or explain yourself just plays into the drama and leaves you feeling like you did as a kid, hurt. Having a simple, non-emotional response, that you can say several ways and just repeat when people keep pushing you, will show that they cannot draw you in anymore. Examples might be, “People have various opinions about any issue. Will you please pass the potatoes?” “People often remember the same event differently. This dessert is amazing.” “I would rather talk about you. How’s the new house?”
10. Self-care before and after. Holiday time can be stressful in the best of circumstances. Having to attend events with difficult people, control your emotions, and refrain from reacting to outrageous comments or behaviors, can be absolutely exhausting. Although this time of year is super busy, schedule some guilt-free down time. Doing positive, energy-giving activities or having rest periods before and after family events can make a huge difference in how you feel by January 2.
Many of these tips are also useful for holiday work parties, neighborhood gatherings, or other events where you need to deal with various people who may or may not be awesome to be around.
We hope these ideas are helpful this holiday season!
Have a healthy, and safe holiday, from all of us at The Counseling Renaissance!
