06/11/2018
I was organizing my office and came across school notes and papers. As part of graduation requirements for my Masters I was to write a "Teaching Story". So I wanted to share-
--What a roller coaster ride the last three years has been for me, and I have learned so much on the way. There were hills I welcomed on the challenge, and other hills I would have rather taken a different turn.
One of the most powerful learning I experienced was letting go of my self expectations. For me itโs that little, but powerful at times, voice in the background that can so quickly point out my mistakes, or imperfections, or the โnot good enoughsโ. I was aware of the voice and practiced my best to ignore it. However, my biggest learning was about to come my way.
I began seeing patients in the clinic. โOff to a good start,โ my ego told me. I had started two patients fairly quickly. Soon I was seeing four, and five. I thought, โyay, Iโm on my way to finishing clinic in August!โ My patients were benefiting from treatment each in their own way, and coming in regularly for treatments. Then a few months into clinic around the beginning fall, I noticed some of my patients were dwindling down. My first thoughts were, โI have to find new patients to start!โ Upon thinking this I felt a flutter in my chest and my breath become shallower. I started to feel โstressedโ.
Around the same time in fall, my dad was in and out of the hospital fighting cancer with all his strength. I was by his side often, and my momโs, to support him, cry with him, and laugh with him. All the while I still had an expectation of completing school the following August. Soon I was down to only seeing one client once a month. There was much chatter from that little voice saying, โam I not doing a good enough job, I donโt know enough, I need to study moreโ, which then stressed me out more, meaning my chest was tense, my abdomen tight, my shoulders tight up to my ears.
Thankfully, there was a different perscpective available too! The other side of me who was seeing the larger picture said, โThis is a gift, by not having many patients I can be with my dad and family. I can learn from this, learn about hope, faith, acknowledgment, dying, love.โ Wow, did my ego not want to hear this! I then made the decision I must put my trust in this different, kinder side.
As my dadโs body let go more, I often thought to myself, โIโm blessed to be present to all of this, to the good times and the hard.โ I finally came to place to let go of my own expectation of school. What a relief, as for getting here was not easy, tears fell from my checks. As my dadโs body fully let go from this world and onto the next, there was a huge opening for me a couple months later, and I was on my way to completing clinic just as I was supposed to; perfectly. ----
Looking back on this story, reminds me of facing life's challenges with commitment to self growth, self love, and self trust. Viewing life from this perspective allows me to navigate through the challenge with more ease on my body and mind. I have found the more I resist the more what I'm resisting persists so I must change my perspective to find peace.
And even though changing my perspective on the experience I was having did not save my dad or make me finish school faster, I was able to be present to life in a deep way, and that is irreplaceable. ๐๐
Much love,
Mikahla
